If anyone asks

My beloved and my son and I have just applied for New Zealand citizenship (this has really nothing to do with the fact that the Abs have just won the Rugby World Cup (eat mud you cheese-eating surrender monkeys)

 

So, a warning.

If you are contacted by ANYONE (purporting to be) from  the NZ government, please remember the following:

1.  I have never actually made a nuclear device of any description; even the one in my garage with bits of smoke detectors, cyclotrons, or any smidgen of HMX, definitely.

2.  I have never been involved in any counter-terrorism operations, and any fingerprints developed from any cases in Gibraltar were purely a figment of the forensic scientist's imagination.

3. The body discovered in the water in Yorkhill Quay during Hogmanay (New Year to you bloody Sassenachs) had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me; he wasn't completely drunk and he never made a disparaging comment about my then girlfriend with the big temper and the savage right hook; "Big Liz"

Big Liz, of many, many happy memories and many bruises

4.  The bodies of the 127 dead and dismembered sheep found on a farm near Otterbourne in Northumberland in the 1970s had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me or my role as a safety officer for a live firing exercise a Regiment of Field Guns of the Royal Artillery.  I wasn't there.  No-body was there.  There were never any guns in Northumberland.  We were all in Germany anyway.  Or at home baby sitting.  Actually I'm not sure that Northumberland ever existed.  Capisce?

We were never there...RIGHT? or do you want a 155mm visitor in the middle of the night?

5. The incredibly obnoxious student found nailed to a wall in NLHS has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me, Geordie Lad, or The Banker.  The sod was obviously a lying git. Anyone can ask him.  Ask via The Warden, Rimutaka Prison.

6. The bad smell emanating from the back garden of my old house in Newport in Fife, Scotland has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with:

• Our cat (was it my fault that it ate 23½ tablets of Paracetamol ground up in prime beef mince?)
• The neighbours dog that barked all bloody night every night.
• The 12 pigeons that crapped on our cars most days.
• The previous occupant of the house who just wouldn't listen to a reasonable offer.
• The really offensive turd who put a hand on my daughter on her first date when she was 17 (I warned him.  I even asked him to come in and look at my collection of Victorian Gelding Knives before they departed to the cinema)

7. I love Rugby, hate Soccer, Like Cheerios, Steak and Cheese Pies and even (*gag*) Lamingtons.


8. .  Fully support all variations, idiosyncrasies, deviations and outright perversions of the Treaty of Waitangi.
9. Have signed my soul (in blood) to everlasting support of the ALL BLACKS,comewhatmay, and to the deification of Daniel Carter.


10.  I like Beer, L & P, wear sunnies and jandles in the summer, always use sunblock and am aware of the dangers of sunstrike, earthquakes and Winston Peters.