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Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Oh Shit

I had to contact the FBI recently, as they had contacted me.

TSB:  Hello, could I speak to Agent Sparrow please?

FBI:  Yes Sir, could I be updated on the circumstances of your proposed communication Sir?

TSB:  Well, she sort of contacted me. and said she wanted to "contact me ASAP"

FBI:  I see Sir, could you give me your name, geographic location, political ideology and religion.

TSB:  Ehhhh, She knows me as TSB, I'm in New Zealand, I'm a conservative and a sort of agnostic.

FBI:  I see Sir.  I can communicate from her active ongoing indications of action that she is on her way to New Zealand.  To see you Mr. TSB

TSB:  Oh Shit.

FBI:  Pardon Sir, what was that comment?

TSB:  Ohhhh, I said what a hit.  Imagine, a real FBI agent coming down here to New Zealand to see little ole me.

FBI:  Yes Sir, quite an honour I would suggest.  Your pardon Sir, but your accent sounds not dissimilar to others I have heard, but not originating from the antipodes.

TSB:  Yes, well I'm British.

FBI:  Why Sir, why didn't you say, that puts a completely different complexionimitry on the situation.  The Brits are our closest allies, not like those anti-American New Zealanders.

TSB: Yes I know, I used to be an officer in the British Army.  You can check.  My Army Number is ******

FBI: Yes Sir, I can confirm that.  Your clearance is still Top Secret.  Coda Alpha please.

TSB ******++***

FBI:  Thank you Captain, do you have any thing else to report?

TSB:  You bet.  It's a hotbed of discontent down here.
  Richard [of RBB] is constantly fiddling with Gloria
  The Curmudgeon is such a bad-tempered old sod, that I'm sure he is an anarchist
  Bin Hire is from the UAE ('nuff said)
  Angry Jesus is a religious fanatic, as is Second
  Basket Guy used to be a Hobbit
  Elma is a deviant, as is Jessica
  ManofErrors is so Liberal he's practically a Commie.
FBI:  Is that the list complete Sir?

TSB:  Just about.  Fflur is so overworked as a teacher and a single parent, that she's practically lifeless.  The problem is that they're all so paranoid that they use the cell system.  I'm not really sure of their "real" identities.

FBI:  Wow, they're using a cell system.  That's much more serious than we thought.  It's just as well that Agent Sparrow is heading down there.

TSB:  Just as a matter of security, what does Agent Sparrow look like?  So I can recognise her when she turns up.
FBI:  Certainly Sir, I'll email an image immediately.  I'll send a front and a back view, to cover all eventualities

TSB:  Dear God.........................  When is she arriving?

FBI:  I'm not sure Sir, I'll let you know when Agent Sparrow eventuates her TOA.  "Have a nice day now, y'hear?


  1. TSB sir?
    My office just forwarded via telephonic interchange to my personal communication device a transcript of your correspondence with them. I note that you are or were a captain in the British army. My, I like that. Do you know that one of my wishes is to meet an officer in the British army? Did you use a Heckler and Koch? I like the name of that personal defense instrument, don't you. Perhaps when we meet we can swap some war stories. Did you interrogate any A-rabs in Iraq? How did you do it? Did you get photographs? Can you show me? Will you...? Ahem. TSB sir I will meet with you tomorrow morning 8AM (GMT + 12) when we can interro.. er discuss the situation with each other.

  2. What does FBI stand for?
    Featured Bottom Images?

  3. " Did you use a Heckler and Koch?"

    Sorry Agent, I use a Black & Decker, and I now answer to a higher authority than HM The Queen, namely my beloved, who, lovely and kind though she is, would remove both of my testicles in a picosecond if she thought I was going to a private meeting/interrogation/assignation with a gorgeous woman such as yourself.
    I would strongly recommend that you have a lengthy chat with Richard [of RBB] he's the control for many of these NZ agents. I'll give you his address in Nuova Lazio, so you can arrive unannounced. Be warned; he's a musician, and you know how unpredictable and passionate these people can be.
    May the Force be with You.

  4. Sod off Sparrow. We don't need you yankees telling us what to do. Hell, I'd rather take advice from Angry Jesus!

  5. Looking at the extraordinary ass of a federal agent is a violation of U.S. law and carries a penalty of 10 years of looking at the ass without being able to touch. Now that is punishment.....

  6. P.S. TSB: My cousin Paul and his family have lived on the Isle of Mull for over 35 years. I myself was born in England circa 1845 :-) I am resilient if nothing else :-)

  7. MM, "I myself was born in England circa 1845" I wouldn't call it resiient, I'd call it verging on the immortal

  8. "Looking at the extraordinary ass of a federal agent is a violation of U.S. law and carries a penalty of 10 years of looking at the ass without being able to touch. Now that is punishment....."

    Yes, but we're in NZ, so we can touch.

    When are you flying down?


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