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Friday, 23 December 2016

What to get, what to get?

Every bloody year it's the same.
I have very little idea on what to chose as a suitable Christmas present for SWMBO.

Making peace with Nuclear Weapons seems sensible
I have a long, long history of getting it wrong.
I even did a post on it a couple of years ago, but I do not wish to revisit that.  Far too painful.

Oh shut up you stupid besom

2 weeks ago, I had no idea on what to get my Beloved, then as she was watering the back garden (she's the gardener, I'm more of the academic/aesthete (also known as the labourer)) she complained that the hose reel was difficult to rewind.  I suggested that we could get her an automatically rewinding reel.  She looked at me (in that kindly yet condescending way that implies I am a man of little brain) and then she NODDED. 

Oh bugger, wrong nod

The next bit is subject to debate.

I would swear on a stack of (insert your holy or fairy book of choice here)s that she then said "IT COULD BE MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT"

Really, I did, I swear.

(I should explain that last week I bought a petrol powered leaf blower/vacuuming mulcher as our new garden has many Beech trees, that results in a thick carpet of discarded leaves, Winter and Summer, and my old electric blower just wasn't up to the job.  As I carried the new toy essential garden tool to the checkout, she murmured, "Happy Christmas TSB, that's your Christmas present)

My Preciousssss

I did my due diligence internet search, selected the best one and next day went early from school to get it.  I also bought some bags of compost and fertiliser she wanted.

As I offloaded the car on arriving home, she noticed the big box.

"What's that TSB?"

"It's your Christmas present my Dear"


"It's your Christmas present my Dear"


"You said that was what you wanted, so went straight out and got it for you"

"I never said I wanted a HOSE!"

Next time, accept the hose GRACEFULLY

(Never in recorded history has the word "HOSE" been spat out with such concentrated venom.  At least I don't think so.  I hope not.  Wars have been started for less.
Can you imaging Adolf giving, with every expectation of joyous reception, a new garden hose to  President Piłsudski of Poland, and getting HOSE! in return.  The result was surprise, anger, an immediate thirst for revenge, and of course, releasing the 10th, 8th and 14th armies, plus Army Group North across the Polish border.)

"I must have been mistaken my Dear".

Such is life.
I often make mistakes like this ... so I'm told.

I did get out into Wellington on the next week to get some extra presents. (It cannot be extra, the first one never existed.  Please keep up)
I bought three things.  Two of them I'm pretty sure will be received with grateful clamour, or at least minimum disgust and incomprehension.. A pretty expensive silk scarf shawl pashmina, and a very large (and expensive) scented candle in a fancy jar.

A pashmina

A scarf

The only real difference between a pashmina and a scarf

The other is a Bluetooth enabled electronic tag which she can attach to her phone and find out where she left it via our main computer or her tablet computer. 

It's a logical choice.

She's already lost misplaced her phone 3 times this year so far (it's not over yet)

What can go wrong?


  1. You are a failure TS)b! I live with both my wife and daughter and they seem to really value my advice on clothing choices. I'm so good that I suspect my daughter thinks I'm gay. I tried to explain that this could mean that she doesn't really exist, but she said she was tired of my repetitive comments.

    Hey, I hope Steve Fennell is okay and I hope he's got more educational stuff for us. Sounds like a wise guy.

  2. I can live with my failure. I couldn't live with being seen as a fashionista. I didn't tell you before, but the staff of NLHS think along the same lines as your daughter, but we like you too much to let on.

    I hope Steve Fennel fücks off back to his delusional land of sky fairies, and doesn't bother me anymore.

    1. The staff at NLHS think I'm gay? I mean, is there just a rumour or did they hold a meeting? Well, I guess I have slept through a few of those, so that's how I probably missed it. Was there a slide show?

    2. Not all the staff Richard, just your "friends"
      There was a PowerPoint

    3. A power point is just a slide show with no wires. Friends? Do I have any left? Isn't that sweet!

    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    5. Of course you've got friends Richard [of RBB], well at least for the next 6 months.

  3. Richard turns and crawls back into the cesspit that serves as a class room and mutters something in Italian.

    1. It's not a cesspit. Our new cleaners keep it quite clean, regardless of what Richard does to the place. Muttering something in Italian is what he doe.
      It's like a rumbling in the drains. It's mildly annoying, but relatively harmless

    2. If she isn't happy with those three you should offer her your testicles pickled in brine.

    3. That was on offer in 2011, but she wanted perfume instead.

  4. I hope the presents were well received. Hope you had a very Merry Christmas.

    1. Thanks Mary, they were received well, except for the candle, which, quite honestly, smelled like burning rubber.

      Oh well, 2 out of three isn't too bad.
      I hope your Christmas was Jolly, and looking forward to a good New Year.

  5. My gods, I'm glad you're back.
    Happy New Year, TSB!

    1. Hi Austan,
      glad to be back.
      I've built up quite a head of vitriol and bile, and it's just waiting to be released.
      Happy New Year to you too.

      (Sorry I can't give you an "X", but SWMBO is a bit jealous, and guards my "X"s carefully.)

  6. Replies
    1. Thanks Jen,
      I thought so.
      But I've just been told today that nicer and much less expensive pashminas can be bought in Singapore.

      Ah well.

  7. I'd say you'll never quite manage to do anything right but a scented candle and a pashmina, well, it is nice and what's more it isn't a hose - or indeed a dishwasher, set of power tools, full sized mechanical digger or 5 tons of garden compost, although the latter 2 might have been a bit hard to gift wrap. (God, she'd have even more to put up with if that's the sort of stuff you'd consider giving her) Hope you both had a good Christmas!!

    1. My goodness Jenny, I didn't know you had such a touch with the prose. Well done, full flow, almost absurd as my own.
      (BTW, I was considering having 3 tonnes of best grade topsoil delivered for her lovely little garden, but
      A. the buggers wouldn't deliver on Christmas Day
      B. They wouldn't gift wrap.

      Apart from all that and a little earthquake, it was quite nice really.
      Hope yours was good.

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