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| According to the French, the way to health are these Glycerin suppositories. Stuff them. |
My Beloved (note the promotion to the full capital. Again) has said I must adopt a more healthy lifestyle.
As I always listen carefully to everything my Beloved says, I will be very careful to adopt a more healthy lifestyle.
Every time I eat a bag of fish and chips, I'll balance them with a ¼ of an apple.
Every time I eat a steak and cheese pie (endemic here in sunny NZ) I'll balance it with a grape.(peeled)
Every time I drink a beer, I'll moderate it's influence with a bag of potato crisps, plus a handful of pickled onions and a spoonful of stuffed olives. We must keep up the vegetable intake, it's vital to health.
If I partake of the distilled Scottish beverage (and I'm definitely NOT referring to a bottle of Buckfast Wine, or Bucky as it is known to it's aficionados, or even a bottle of Fortified British Sherry, much loved when mixed with cider and known as SnakeBite by the zombies that imbibe) then I try and ameliorate the extremely deleterious effects by chasing the usquebaugh with a healthy glug of a malt beverage, high in vitamins, minerals and proteins and hops.
The ultimate sacrifice on my part is going semi-voluntarily for a swimming session in the public pool. I obviously fortify myself before confronting the exertion of swimming
However I feel I should make a greater effort in complying with my Beloved's wishes to be healthier so we can spend more of our "Golden Years Together" *shudders uncontrollably for 10 minutes, retching into a bowl*, so I've been experimenting with various healthy mixtures.
Brandy, Honey and Warm Milk. When accompanied by a small amount of grated nutmeg, it's quite palatable. Health Score (HS) 5
Warm Beer and 5 Spice. Absolutely revolting, makes a good purgative. HS 3
Cider and Grapefruit Juice. Quite drinkable when ice-cold, but a bit acid and gassy. HS 4.5
(or HS -135.6 if you take anti-hypertension medication)
Whisky, Honey and Hot Water (The traditional Hot Toddy)
HS 5.5 If lemon juice added, HS 7.32 (Vitamin C)
Gin, Tonic Water (Not the Crap-Tasting Diet option, but the full sugar version), the freshly squeezed juice of 1 lemon, an effervescent Berocca tablet and ice. Very drinkable and absolutely packed with vitamins, minerals and quinine. Not only healthy, but helps to kill malarial parasites
HS 19.77 (HS 19.43 if using commercial lemon juice)
Water. No vitamins, minerals or anything really.. It's mainly the absence of everything. Think of it as bugger-all in a glass.
HS 0.001
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| Says it all really |
So instead of the water of life - you'll be having the water of wife!
ReplyDeleteShame you're not in Lancaster - you could have come with me to my Grad College Cider Festival tomorrow night and come out positively radiating appley vitamin C health to which Beloved could have had the slightest objection. Here's the list (and there will also be curry from the local Indian students, yom yom).
ReplyDeleteAlistair: Very f*cking droll. Actually I'll be having a Ballantines blend (special at the Liquor Store at $34 (about £16) for 1 litre, with just enough freshly squeezed home-grown lemon juice and sugar syrup to make a quite palatable whisky sour.
ReplyDeletelooby: Ah Lancaster, the mysterious city of unknown provenance, the smuggled-in Morcambe bay potted shrimps, the hidden delights of the Lancaster House Hotel (nee Lancaster Post House) where my then 3 year old daughter nearly expired on a bone from a lamb chop and where her "disposable" nappies caused a sewage blockage and an evacuation of the entire lower floor on the West Wing on the second day the f*cking Hotel was opened.
Ah, great days, great days.
I do envy you your Cider imbibing, as the NZ version of cider mostly tastes like Appeltize with a hint of vodka and Complan.
BRITISH CURRIES are the f*cking best. Nothing compares.
I miss the Chicken Vindaloo
I miss the Chicken Bhuna with Paratha and a side dish of Mango Chutney.
I even miss the Lamb Rogan Josh.
I really hope you enjoyed yourself;seriously, I do.
So do you ever sneak a whisky at work? Maybe into your coffee?
ReplyDeleteVG: Never. I do have my standards. Not a whiff of weed, a taste of Laphroig, or even a smell of Beer do I take during working hours.
ReplyDeleteAfter 5:00 pm, all bets are off.
Have you ever tried to drive home while inhaling a large double malt whisky. Risky, but achievable with much practice.
No I would'nt risk it ever either. And as for that drive home -especially down THAT HILL! Reminds me of a certain Fred Dagg skit.
ReplyDeleteHave you been introduced to the kiwi icon Fred Dagg (aka John Clarke) before? Classic 70's kiwi icon?? If not you must get hold of Fred Dagg's greatest hits. I lent my copy out to a certain Pom i worked without about 30 years ago and never got it back! Bloody typical! I did see a CD version remastered in stock at The Warehouse a month or so ago though so you can still get it.