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Monday, 8 August 2011

Lost the will to Live Blog

It's not funny.

Some small changes at home have made it a tad more difficult to Blog.(the machine of Satan is now quietly isolated in a corner, making it easy for my Beloved to see any inappropriate use) NOTE: Inappropriate is deemed to be ANY use that is not directly involved with:
  • Checking and adjusting our joint bank account.
  • Sending/receiving emails from close friends and family.
  • Searching for special offers on hotels and travel. (The UK is being talked about again for Christmas. *sigh, grits teeth against cold, wet weather*)
  • Checking what swimming options are available for our joint enjoyment.
  • Checking our local library for new books and the availability of reserved books.

Anything else is deemed frivolous, and hence detrimental to my mental/emotional health.

In addition, life has been ticking along nice and quietly.
My classes are all behaving nicely, and I've prepared all the resources for the next few weeks.  But all this preparation has meant I've little spare time, plus the fact that one of my colleagues, a solidly dependable teacher and a man of great wit and erudition, had a mild heart attack and is off work for at least the next 2 weeks.  I don't begrudge him his essential rest, but it means I've got extra work to do to make sure his classes have work.

So a great feeling of fatigue and ennui enveloped me like an old sock, impervious to all environmental factors, but mildly comforting. 
All my passion was spent. 
What on Earth was the point?


Then I was saved.

I was saved by the curious combination of a Woman's Magazine and Ringo.

Ringo; because he's Ringo, and manages to keep me at a low boil of restrained venom almost every day.
The Woman's Magazine (Mindfood; which my Beloved gets free from a friend.  At least I think we get it free.  If we're actually paying the advertised price of $6.00 for this piece of hyper-annoying crap, then blood will flow)

I should hurriedly point out that the Magazine was ONLY picked up and read because it was sitting in the reading matter basket in our toilet, and I absent mindedly picked it up whilst communing with Nature.
A different communing with Nature

I expected the usual stuff; knitting patterns, recipes, crosswords, emotionally-over-the-top short story, adverts for stair-lifts and bath-elevators, horoscopes, crosswords and of course, the Problem Page.  Every guy I know has a read at the Problem Pages at least once.  It gives us a glimpse into the confused and bewildering concept that is the female mind.  Just once or twice I would like to be able to predict what it is my Beloved is going to do.  It would be a pleasant change.

However, back to the Magazine.  It didn't have a Problem Page!.  It had pages and articles about problems, but not an actual page of Women expressing their innermost feelings and desires to the whole world.

What it had was pages and pages of health advice.

All of this advice was of the alternative variety.  It seemed to be concentrated into three main areas.
  1. Uses of Herbs and Native Plants (Weeds)
  2. Uses of Crystals
  3. Uses of Aromatherapy using selected Herbs, Oils and Native Plants (Smelly weeds)


This was more like it.

I could feel my blood (primed to a low level roil by Ringo) come to an immediate and explosive boil.


How the f*ck can a piece of minerals, even arranged in a planar or multi-planar matrix such as a crystalline structure, effect anything except the photons passing through it.  Is it mind altering? No. Mood altering? No. Wallet altering? Yes.  They're expensive.

Mind you I do remember a teacher in my old school in Scotland who used crystals to help her in class management.  She used to hang dozens of these things at carefully calculated distances (I actually don't know what she used to calculate.  Phases of the Moon? High and Low Tides? Menstruation Frequencies? Who knows.)  She used to boast (quietly) in the staffroom about her "New Age" class management techniques, and we all just nodded dumbly.

Tight sweaters have an effect

We knew the real secret.  This lady was what we used to call "amply bosomed".  She had a stupendous figure, and also a predilection to wearing tight angora sweaters with a V neck.  The effect (especially on the senior boys) was awesome.  Anytime you passed her classroom, you could see the eyes tracking them around the room.  it was hypnotic, and bugger-all to do with crystals, and a lot to do with hardwired Biology.  (We theorised that she also kept the non-gay girls in control because she also represented a warm, fuzzy and cuddly Mother equivalent)

And then we reach the piece-de-resistance.

Aromatherapay (Misspelling deliberate)

More anon.


  1. Dear Twisted, It is a sad day when we have to thank God for Ringo but there you have it! One has to take one's inspiration where one finds it. There are women's magazines and then there are women's magazine. I can't wait for the Aromatherapy instalment. Lindaxxx

  2. Northern Snippet: He's a member of our senior staff who has the unfortunate ability to piss everybody off. See (If you have the stomach for it)

    Linda in Chile: Yes it's sad. But I'm a teacher, what did you expect for G*d's sake. I used to prefer Cosmo, with Playboy and Men Only for the anatomical bits. Aromatherapay; don't get me started on Aromatherapay *splutters madly and spits bit of bench on floor*

  3. Years ago when a girlfriend moved in with me she commented on my stack of Esquire magazines thinking that she didn't know me as well as she thought she did. I protested and honestly said that I read it for the articles. I don't know what Esquire is like now but in the 70's and 80's it was a serious magazine that did occasionally have some (clothed) beauties on the cover. I kept them because of the book reviews and, especially, the ethics column the writer's name for which escapes me.

  4. Thanks to Google the 'Ethics' column writer is Harry Stein. He's well worth a read.

  5. TSB- So pleased your'e back. Missed you last week, as I'm sure other followers did too. we were getting worried about you. Hey I've got the perfect solution for your Ringo frustrations. A wee vodoo doll that even has a silver ear ring. You can have it as you clearly need it more than me now. Who's idea was it to move the computer or are you just spinning us a yarn. You need to get a netbook and wireless network in your house and blog from the bog. Sorry to hear about the work colleague. Hope it wasn't Clive. Shame it wasn't Ringo. I had a day relieivng ICT today. Back in my happy place for awhile. Take care.

  6. TC: I never got Esquire in the UK as a boy. But we did have Health and Efficiency if you were into large beachballs, or even Razzle if you were into black and white and slightly out-of-focus shots. Goodness they were bad.

    TC: Yeah Right. we all used to read those magazines for their articles, or even for their Vargas Cartoons (genius, sheer genius), NEVER for the scantily clad maidens.

    Valley Girl: Thank you, I feel revitalised after the Aromatherapy. Ringo has passed Voodoo, and is relly needing a full exorcism. With a large wooden stake. A 2500°C flamethrower might do the job, but best to be sure.

    Netbooks are the work of Satan Incarnate. Ringo want a complete class set. Never mention Netbooks again , please. Not if you value your soul.. It was Clive, he's recuperating nicely. Glad you're back in your happy place. My happy place is looking more and more like the bottom of a f*cking whisky bottle.

    I wonder if they've got a test for ingested home-concocted botulism poisoning.

  7. Sorry for mentioning the unmentionable. Did not know this. Good to hear Clive is coming right. Might be time for a lifestyle change for him.
    Maybe time to call Sam and Dean Winchester the Demon Hunters from SuperNatural to deal to Ringo. My happy place was shortlived. Today was sheer hell. Science classes all day with 4 junior classes and just one senior. I watched in hooror as a Year 10 girl assembled a plastic toy gun while sitting on the lab floor. I had to get close to her and her backpack t o see what she was doing and then to figure out it was a toy. THat really had my heart going for a minute. By lunchtime I was knackered. I have discovered year 10 boys are very quick to find the word "sex" in a wordfind that does not have sex in its word bank. How typical! Yesteday I had Year 11 boys designing a birthday card for a 14 year old boy. No jokes, that was the brief they were given as a practice Level 1 assessment. I think their regular teacher has a cruel streak. Of course they all wanted to put pictures of skantily dressed young women on their cards. So hence I had to once again roll out my lecture about using appropriate images. Hence followed some very constructive class discussions. BOYs! I missed all that last year being in an all girls school. Back to reality for me.

  8. Oooh, your teacher with the big crystals has brought back happy memories of Miss Horrocks, who used to "teach me history", I think that was the official title, when I was about 14. Asking an adolescent boy to concentrate on teh intricacies of the Franco-Prussian War was most virtually impossible by the way she use to sit coquettishly in front of me on her desk and cross her legs in her...

    Right, I think I'll stop now.

    1. Glad to see that even at an early age you're demonstrating your interest in female physiology.


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