In a previous post, I mentioned some rules that blokes who are partnered with a lovely lady may have to follow to live a peaceful, enjoyable and lengthy life. (Or at least it feels long)
After some deep cogitation and self-directed research learning (see, I WAS awake during Ringo's exposition), aided by copious amount of Laphroig to keep up my courage regarding the possible effects on my person if my Beloved actually read any of this stuff , I have formulated the following for the use of our lovely ladies (rather good brown-nose job here I thought)
Ladies, please read and try your best to follow the logic.
Blokes don't really do colour. If you want to describe material/paint/carpet/wallpaper/cars etc by an exquisitely phrased expression referring to a fruit/flower/bird or whatever, that's entirely up to you. Don't blame us if we don't understand. Stick to the basics. We DO recognise the primary colours; Black, Brown, Green etc. You can prefix by "Light" or "Dark" if you must, but we get the picture quite easily.
Blokes like to drink. We quite understand that you really don't want to spend your night lying next to a sweating, smelly, bloke who is snoring fit to wake the dead, AND who's expressions of everlasting and fervent passion fails to materialise due to "Brewer's Droop". We understand, just don't ever mention it ever again. We just like to drink, OK?
Blokes like to look. Blokes like to look at pretty girls wearing tight/short/see-through dresses. Blokes like to look at pretty girls wearing tight/short/see-through dresses even though he may be by your side, and even holding your hand. ALL we are doing is comparing the standards of beauty of the observed pretty girl wearing a tight/short/see-through dress with the incomparable loveliness that is you. If we have to spend a long time
|She's not as lovely as you my Darling|
Blokes don't like to shop. If you insist that we accompany you to an extended shopping expedition, please DON'T complain if we stand about with our hands in our pockets looking terminally bored. If you try something on and ask for our suggestion be aware that we will always (unless it's getting near lunchtime and we want to hurry things along before hypoglycemic coma strikes) tell the Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth. So if we say It makes you look fat then it does. if we say the colour reminds you about the shade of dried mud on your gumboots then it is so. If we say that it's too bloody expensive, trust us. If we say the colour and cut of the dress/suit/skirt/trousers/apron/tea towel is exquisite and not only matches the colour of your beautiful eyes, but reminds you of our honeymoon by the shores of a Scottish Loch under a lover's moon, it's either near lunchtime, or it's just after lunchtime, and you've had a skinful of Speights Old Dark Malt.
Blokes don't need to ask for directions. Blokes have a kind of built-in GPS system. Blokes read maps and we don't get lost. If we decide to take the scenic route, that's up to us. We're the designated driver. Unless it's on the way home after a skinful of Speights Old Dark Malt, and then you can drive. Just don't read a map. Ladies. Please just don't read maps. You'll just get confused and blame us. (The little red lines are roads, the little blue lines are rivers, the little black lines are either power lines, footpaths or invisible state/county boundaries. We can only drive on the red lines. North is up)
Blokes like to stay in the
|I don't want to leave. Ever.|
I hope that any little ladies out there that read this understand that these are just the basics. If you want the full list of what I laughingly call:
"Life's Essential Basics;
Rules to Help Ladies Adjust to Partnered Life"
then please send a stamp addressed envelope, enclosing $25 to defray the research costs (and the Speights Old Dark Malt) to :
c/o Nuova Lazio High School
Please send in a plain brown envelope, no cheques.