I mentioned in an earlier post that my Beloved and I (It's capital B again, she bought me a steak and Cheese Pie. Bless) are going to Hawke's Bay next week for a short break.
I've also read on the Interwebbytubes that is it a BAD idea to let complete strangers, deviants, generalised bastards and crooks (your typical blogger community really) know that you intend to leave your home undefended for a period of time.
I've been an Army officer, a cryogenic Gas sales/engineer, a biochemist, a microbiologist and worst of all, a teacher. So I've prepared a few surprises for any uninvited guests.
This one is simple, but really my favourite.
A simple curved metal plate, layered with a thin coating of plastic explosive and embedded with over 400 ball bearings. Just remember to point the bit that says "FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY" AWAY from friends.
This one is always sure to please.
Well it pleases me.
I don't really care what the pile of resulting hamburger thinks, feels or even smells.
It keeps them out of the house.
Liquid Nitrogen and Acetylene Fricassee.
A quick dosing from a bath of Liquid Nitrogen (LIN) (-198ºC) to immobilise the intruders, quickly followed by a flash from an Acetylene flamethrower. (3300ºC) to eternally dissuade the buggers.
Ashes can be unsightly, but an extra dose of LIN causes the ash to granulate and is easily swept away or even eaten by our little shit machine (the dog, not m'son)
The Sarin Shower.
Sarin is an easily synthesised liquid nerve gas, which has the dual advantage of being exceptionally speedy in its lethality and very quickly degradable (30 mins. - 2 hours), so any intruders are quickly dealt with without really endangering any tradesman who may wish to call.
The Botulism Bite
Being a microbiologist, it was child's play to coat the incisors of our little doggie with an encapsulated version of the Clostridium botulinum. One bite and any intruder is dog tucker.
|Too late you scumbag.|
|You couldn't even tell the difference between the symptoms of Botulism poisoning and your normal drug addled state.|
As a semi-final defence, I've arranged for 10DK to be issued with bleepers, and any intruder will be assaulted by their full and awesome might. May the Lord have mercy on any intruder's souls, 'cause 10DK doesn't know the meaning of that word.
Actually, they can't even spell it. I blame the Head of Literacy.
If all else fails (and I cannot really see how) m'son will be there to give the Coup d' Grace.
|Bye bye scumbag.|
So my Beloved and I can rest at our secure ease, up around Napier and Hawke's Bay.
Without a worry in the world.
Unless she discovers the "How the hell does this work?" blog.
She's just told me she wants to bring her new laptop with her.