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Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Keeping Safe

I mentioned in an earlier post that my Beloved and I (It's capital B again, she bought me a steak and Cheese Pie.  Bless) are going to Hawke's Bay next week for a short break.

I've also read on the Interwebbytubes that is it a BAD idea to let complete strangers, deviants, generalised bastards and crooks (your typical blogger community really) know that you intend to leave your home undefended for a period of time.

Worry not.

I've been an Army officer, a cryogenic Gas sales/engineer,  a biochemist, a microbiologist and worst of all, a teacher.  So I've prepared a few surprises for any uninvited guests.

Claymore mines.

This one is simple, but really my favourite.
A simple curved metal plate, layered with a thin coating of plastic explosive and embedded with over 400 ball bearings.  Just remember to point the bit that says "FRONT TOWARDS ENEMY" AWAY from friends.

This one is always sure to please.
Well it pleases me.
I don't really care what the pile of resulting hamburger thinks, feels or even smells.
It keeps them out of the house.

Liquid Nitrogen and Acetylene Fricassee.

A quick dosing from a bath of Liquid Nitrogen (LIN) (-198ºC) to immobilise the intruders, quickly followed by a flash from an Acetylene flamethrower. (3300ºC) to eternally dissuade the buggers.

3300ºC, Crispy!

Ashes can be unsightly, but an extra dose of LIN causes the ash to granulate and is easily swept away or even eaten by our little shit machine (the dog, not m'son)

The Sarin Shower.

Sarin is an easily synthesised liquid nerve gas, which has the dual advantage of being exceptionally speedy in its lethality and very quickly degradable (30 mins. - 2 hours), so any intruders are quickly dealt with without really endangering any tradesman who may wish to call.

The Botulism Bite

Being a microbiologist, it was child's play to coat the incisors of our little doggie with an encapsulated version of the Clostridium botulinum.  One bite and any intruder is dog tucker.

Too late you scumbag. 
You couldn't even tell the difference between the symptoms of Botulism poisoning and your normal drug addled state.

As a semi-final defence, I've arranged for 10DK to be issued with bleepers, and any intruder will be assaulted by their full and awesome might.  May the Lord have mercy on any intruder's souls, 'cause 10DK doesn't know the meaning of that word.  
Actually, they can't even spell it.  I blame the Head of Literacy.

The SON.

If all else fails (and I cannot really see how) m'son will be there to give the Coup d' Grace.
Bye bye scumbag.

So my Beloved and I can rest at our secure ease, up around Napier and Hawke's Bay.

Without a worry in the world.


Unless she discovers the "How the hell does this work?" blog.

She's just told me she wants to bring her new laptop with her.



  1. Oh no! That was going so well until the last line. Altogether now... "There may be trouble ahead..."

    Have a nice time in Hawkes's Bay. I don't know the area but I presume it's a bit like Troon, with better wine.

  2. This sounds like an adult version of Home Alone! The Botulism symptoms sound suspiciously like a night on the Balvenie :-) hic

  3. It's nice that a steak and cheese pie can renew one's love for a spouse. :)

  4. "and worst of all a teacher." Pahahahahah! The teachers I've known and now know, should be employed by intelligence agencies. There are no more dangerous and prepared people on Earth.

  5. looby: How Could you?

    You know how the rest of the lyrics go?
    "Let's face the music and DANCE"

    Not nice.

    Hawke's Bay is a major fruit and wine region on the East of the North Island. Supposedly warm and dry, so not really like Troon. More like Morecambe.

    YONKS: Ah, The Balvenie. *envy*

    I agree with you regarding the similarity of symptoms, except that while both can cause paralysis and an overall numbing of the senses, The Balveny doesn't (mostly) end up with palpitations, fits and death.

    Patience_Crabstick:Well, I cannot speak for everyone, but it does it for me.
    Just as well she didn't get me a steak, cheese and BACON pie. I might have had to agree to a re-dedication in church. *shudder*

    Austan: Oh yes, we're the most dangerous people on the planet.

    Especially Ringo.

    Actually a friend of mine, a trial lawyer. said that if anyone didn't want to get picked for Jury duty, just turn up in a Tweed jacket with a multitude of pens (must include red) in the breast pocket, all of which suggests teacher. Lawyers don't want teachers in the jury, they can see through bullshit, listen very carefully to what'sbeing said, and have been known to correct a lawyer's syntax.

    Mind you, they've also been known to convict because the plaintif didn't put his hand up before speaking.

  6. Son in house alone does not equal safe and secure.
    Come on TSB, you should know that!
    Son in house alone = party.

  7. I think it is probably enough to just hang a sign on your door while you are gone which says,


    Contagious Disease

    No one may enter or leave this building by the order of the Civil Emergency and Defense Agency"

  8. Better yet get a Red Sticker on your front door as in those they have put on the "beyond hope" earthquake ravaged homes in poor old Christchurch.

    However, this may act as a sign of hope for the homeless and looters.

    Maybe some big "Beware of the Dog" signs??? (She chuckles thinking of your wee pooch).

  9. Well, at least you're not up on a cross and wondering about who is messing up your living room!

  10. Richard [of RBB]: No, I trust my son. Really. Plus I've got surveillance cameras planted.

    Laoch: Now you're going just a bit too far. Be sensible please. Anyone would think you're a tad paranoic. Like me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    VG: I feel sorry for those folk stuck down in quake-ravaged C'church, and I think looters should be summarily disposed of.

    AJ: You've got a house? I thought it was your Father's house


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