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Saturday, 31 August 2013

Absolute Power

Corrupts.


Great days ahead in Nuova Lazio High School.

All of the other Deputy Principals have buggered off flown off to Rotavagas ( a Kiwi in-joke referring to the fleshpots of Rotorua and Taupo) for a conference of most of the Deputy Principals from all over New Zealand. 

I was not invited.

Just as well, because if invited I wouldn't have gone.


Can you imagine the waves of boredom washing over the poor buggers as one speaker after another gave them the straight poop, the true quill, the pure water, of the distilled wisdom of the Professional Educators of this country.

If you have not worked in Education, then you probably don't realise that EDUCATION is far too important a matter to be left in the uncouth hands of the poor buggers who actually do all the bloody teaching.

There is a hierarchy of sorts.  Not unlike Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (Dear God, the unmitigated crap we learn/get pumped into us at Teacher Training College).


This Hierarchy is also pyramidal, and at the top we have the Politicians.

These are the jokers who (attempt to) run the country.  Their last experience of education was probably when they got thrown out of their school as a spotty teenager for doing something completely innocuous like setting fire to a girl's hair, or bringing a 3 foot machete to school to "get your own back first" or even stringing a length of piano wire across a doorway at shin height to "see what funny thing happens" ** So when they get the power (by whatever nefarious means) to control schools, they come into it with little knowledge and a hatred/fear of teachers.

Do what I say, even though I know nothing about anything.

Then we have the Educationalists.

There is a special Circle of Hell for these bastards. (If Hell exists.  I think not. But it is a  useful metaphor)  This Circle, which in true Dante Alighieri style I will name Circle 8a, The Circle of Preposterous And Harmful Ideas, is jammed between Heresy and Fraud.


These buggers haven't been in front of a class for years, and in some cases, never.  Can you actually believe that?  What other bloody profession would allow themselves to be told what to do by a bunch of ivory-tower academics who have no practical experience in their speciality?

The blind leading the blind?

In the years I've been teaching, this bunch if interfering busybodies have introduced "new" ideas and concepts in a continuous stream, quite often reversing their advice every few years as "new" evidence comes to light. I try my best to ignore the piles of crap that they try to shovel into us, but it does get depressing, seeing all of this wasted effort.

Then there's the Ministry of Education.  These parasites are told by their Minister to set the priorities in schools around the country.


Then there's the Press.  Their attitude can be summarised by "It's all the fault of the teachers"  plus of course all of the smutty stuff like: "Male teacher buggers 150 boys in a Catholic School" or "My Biology Teacher really showed me how reproduction works, says Traci, 17, from Takapuna"


Then there's the parents.  To be fair, most don't try to interfere with what we teach, as long as we keep their little darlings off the streets, off the weed and off each other.  But many expect us to teach the kids how to behave, how to be polite and how not to get caught.  Sometimes I think we should be offering a special course on "How to survive Police interrogation without grassing up your mates, especially Big Johnny who is 2.2 metres tall, built like a brick sh*t house and who will extract his revenge from Dad.  With blood"

Right you little b*stard, who called me a poof?

Then there's the community at large, who just want the kids kept in cages or shot.  Dealer's choice. (And I don't mean Big Johnny, the local entrepreneur of certain substances.)

Then finally there's us.  The Few, the Mugs, the thin chalk line between civilisation and barbarism. We just want to be able to do our basic job, which is to teach the kids in the best way for them, not according to whatever hair-brained theory that is the flavour of the moment.

But I digress.

I like to digress.

I also like to be in charge (in a nice way of course) and that's what is happening at the moment.

All the other DPs are away, and the Principal told me this morning that he's going to the Ministry (probably for another re-education and mind washing session, as I've noticed that he always comes back from them with a glazed and unfocused expression) and I'm going to be in charge.



BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I've got my lists all ready.

These were on my list.

And not only (to misquote Ko-Ko) will they not be missed, if I manage to get rid of them, spontaneous applause will break out amongst the staff.

I might miss these ones though.

You naughty, naughty girls....Go to my office.


** Please note, all of these incidents have happened in NLHS in the last year.

40 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you fishducky. I find that being twisted gives me a fresh outlook on life.

      Admittedly, it's not really an outlook that lends itself to a long or even sane lifespan, but what the hell.

      Being funny is what I live for.

      Well, that and whisky.

      Delete
  2. You should set about changing all the locks and security codes while they're away. Make the bend to your will. Opportunity is knock, knock, knocking. What are you going to do? Slam the door in its face?

    My sister teaches in a university. It's no different at that level. Seems these problems are endemic with the system. She enjoys the conferences, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great idea about the locks, but the wily bastards have hidden the chequebooks and the access codes, so I can't.

      I did think about a bomb on the plane, but then thought that may be seen as a tad excessive.

      NO, NO, those at university don't TEACH, they lecture...big, big difference. Mind you, problems are endemic throughout society. Conferences are for wimps.

      Why can't every meeting be held in a pub?

      Delete
    2. Last sentence---best idea I've heard for years.

      I did a few years as a teacher and I've never had to inhale such quantities of hot air from the obligatory "teacher training days" which seemed to be an employment programme for people who can just about turn the pages on a flipchart. Everyone hated them, and they robbed us of almost a week of our holiday every year.

      Delete
    3. The kiwi system is a wee bit different. The training here means a day off school attending some boring conference/meeting in what can be unusual places. Google Rotorua and see what I mean.

      Delete
  3. Morning TSB. The school seemed to run pretty well without the dancing beer and his two lieutenants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Richard.

      Do you mean it ran fine with out them and with me, or that I and they was inconsequential?

      Delete
    2. Oh,
      in that case thank you.

      Nobody but a complete nutter would want that job.

      Maybe we should ask Brian to come back?

      Delete
  4. Those naughty girls look like some I taught at the big high school over the hill from NLHS in my early teaching career a few years back. Wonder what they are doing now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiya VG,
      I suspect that they are either:
      a) Mums
      b) Pregnant
      c) On the benefit
      d) Teachers
      e) Pole dancers.

      Delete
    2. Pole Dancing is a very tricky artform I'll have you know - so tells me a friend who I once took along to a place where it was demonstrated - they let her have a go and she did prove it was
      a) difficult
      b) extremely difficult when trying to look sexy too

      Delete
    3. I bow to your advanced knowledge.

      Did you try as well?

      Delete
  5. The best thing to do once put in charge is to declare an all day holiday "for refreshing purposes" and then head home for a nap. This will instantly make you the most beloved administrator in all the land, for a day at least.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did consider that possibility, but that would have meant releasing hundred of excited and out-of-control kids into an unsuspecting community, and what little conscience I have left wouldn't allow that.

      I'm the most beloved anyway.

      Delete
  6. You're right, conferences can be terribly boring, but there must have been a leisure day where you have a boating trip or watch Maori war dances. You could have returned with some souvenirs to show the class and made them chuckle, stimulating their enthusiasm. Isn't that basically what the educationalists want you to do?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leisure day?

      Teachers are not allowed any time off. It's the law, worldwide.

      Also in NZ laughing at any Maori artefacts is punishable by death.

      Nobody really knows what educationalists want, including educationalists.

      Delete
  7. "Self actualization". I remember the 70's too before Roger Douglas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Before my time Robert.

      I do however remember patchouli oil.

      Delete
  8. I was talking to a trainee teacher yesterday who was saying pretty well the same thing, in different language you understand. So he had figured it out after a few months of training. It must be bad!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad the young neophyte has figured out the traps, and has also avoided the somewhat extreme language.

      Give him a gold star from me.

      The problem is that quite often there is a little nugget of goodness buried amongst all the bullsh*t, so we can't completely ignore the bovine waste.

      Delete
    2. Yes, not sure the language was better though.. just different :)

      Delete
    3. Yes, not sure the language was better though.. just different :)

      Delete
  9. Round my way a lot of the parents have the attitude of “nobody tells MY kid what to do, teacher or not!”
    They instil in their kids an arrogance that is almost literally stunning. I could not teach these vile creatures if my life depended on it. How you and your fellows do it, TSB, I’ll never know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The arrogance problem is world wide, but many of our parents/caregivers ae really supportive of us. Yet again, there are a fair few who are not.

      We deal with them.

      We do it for the satisfaction.

      It's the satisfaction of watching a nasty little scrota's face crumble as they realise they've gone to far and that I'm getting them thrown out of school.

      Lovely.

      Delete
  10. Hmm. I was minding my charges today in the library as they had a research period for Year 10 History on the Tudors. I was browsing around the titles on display on top of the book cases. One title caught my eye, and I shuddered. "School Shootings". I felt like moving it but did not want to draw attention to the book at all.
    I had a sudden queezy feeling in my stomach. Between the bloodthirsty Tudors and School Shootings, I wondered was this school promoting violence as a method of problem solving? As if the young generation need any more encouragement today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, school shooting refers to (I think) the massacre of the year 11s by the teachers in an unnamed school in the Wellington region in the 80s.

      It was hushed up.

      Delete
    2. Interesting. I'm going to go back and have a closer look at that book tomorrow. By the end of this week I may need to take on board some of this unknown local history and hope it's contents don't beg repeating in any form. Actually after today it was the Year 12 classes I wanted to throttle. Bring on those school exams at the end of next week.

      Delete
    3. Year 12s are little angels compared to the semi-feral yr 11s.

      Delete
  11. Friday when senior exams start still can't come soon enough.
    Been taking a teachers whole Foods timetable for a week now and classes aren't allowed to cook with me, have to do theory. So they are getting very scratchy and very hungry! Especially the Seniors (Especially the boys).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our food teacher is off for 6 weeks so we're having to juggle classes around so the Home Ecc teachers can do the practical work. Let's face it. A cooking class without scones or cookies to eat at the end of it is not good.

      Delete
    2. Seems like it must be "Time to have that operation" season for the local Food Tech Teachers. I must admit I have cheated the last few days by allowing my students to cook /heat their food/leftovers from home in the microwave or boil the kettle to make 5 minute noodles or similar. That has keep some of them happy but only if the other Food teachers don't pinch the kitchen from me and throw us into the theory room. The other student have got around their hunger by turning up late for class and arriving with a feed from the canteen or a pie from the nearby garage to consume in class. At least I'm not working at St. Pats or I would loose all classes to McDonalds across the road. They probably don't teach foods at St. Pats anyway.

      Delete
  12. Oh BTW I saw Ex-Ashley yesterday up bright and early at 8am walking along Fergusson Drive just past Trentham school, as I was driving to work. I thought I know that guy - heck it's Ashley - hasn't changed a bit. But why was he up so early now he is "Retired"? I was wondering, and quite far from his cosy abode too. Maybe he has to go for long walks this early because his body is so used to waking up early still? Or perhaps he was walking all the way up to the Upper Hutt TAB. By the time he would get there they would probably be open!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ah, TSB! it's good you're back and haven't lost a speck of determination! (The last of my teacher friends retired this past year, I miss the angst.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hiya Austan, glad you're back as well. I tend to think of it as more a homicidal fury rather than angst.

      Delete
  14. So you disappeared around the same time I did....? I'm back....let's hope you're back soon, too!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. You've been quiet TSB - still awaiting further updates... ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've got your wish.

      Don't say you're sorry after a few weeks of concentrated sarcastic and cynical bon mots.

      It's a gift you know.

      Delete

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