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Friday, 28 March 2014

TSB Bombs (Part the Third)

The Sergeant looked at me.
"Put this school under lockdown immediately" he said.

Now we have a system in Nuova Lazio High School for most eventualities.

If there is a fire, the fire alarm goes off.

Last year's fire drill practice
Please note; That is not a Bull.  That is Soisia from Samoa, who we all think is destined for the 2022 All Black front row

Pupils and staff walk quietly to their assembly points down on the paddock (playing fields to you non-Kiwis), where we can check that all are present and won't be presenting the firemen with crispy-fried corpes twisted in their final agonies.  Actually the little b*stards don't walk sedately. The skip, run, hop, slither, skateboard (an invention of Satan if ever there was one), roll, talk f*cking incessantly  and more recently amble along taking selfies for their bl**dy facebook pages. 

Best kind of skateboard

But that's another story.

If there is a robbery at the nearby dairy (Kiwitalk for the local shop.  Otherwise known as a Suprette.  Kiwitalk can get a wee bit weird at times), we signal a lockdown, where all staff lock the doors to their class rooms, urge the youngsters under their care below the desks, out of sight from the windows.  Bravely ready to interpose their bodies between any evildoers and their charges. 


Last time we ran an unannounced drill, one of the teachers had the kids stacked up 4 deep behind his door, to add extra protection for him from the anticipated volley of 12 Bore shotgun pellets.  It's amazing what sort of kinetic energy a well padded pupil's body will absorb. (and we have a lot of well-padded kids.  I blame TV and computers)  It's almost as good as 10cm of Kevlar. (allegedly)

YOU hide under a table.
I'll hang on to these lovely anchors.

If there's an earthquake, we don't need a bloody signal. We're all hanging on to someting solid (like a voluptuous 17 year old blond girl like a table leg, and hoping that the 25 year old concrete (and probably asbestos) roof doesn't crush us all to a thin layer of meat paste.

But we don't have a procedure for a bomb threat.

My origninal decision to evacuate was based on the following logic.
  1. Bomb is not good.
  2. Get away from Bomb.
  3. Bomb is probably in a building or possibly in one of our waste bins [which the bloody kids never use anyway, preferring to scatter their waste with gleeful abandon] or in a built-up area.
  4. Paddocks do not have buildings
  5. Paddocks are wide open, and a large ticking object can be easily seen and avoided
  6. If Bomb detonates, hurtling pieces of grass do little damage.
 I believe the Police logic worked slightly differently.

If Bomb detonates in a building, it will be easier to identify the scorched remains if they had information from class lists about who should be where.


The Police did a 10 minute stroll (I believe the technical term is "proceeding") around the school, saw nothing suspicious, and said we could stop the lockdown.

They also said that the Bomb threat has been phoned in by a male, with a young boy's voice, using a disposable phone which had since been switched off.

They asked if any young males would have a grudge against the school.

We have a few.  About 30% of the student population.

Just some of the suspects

Those who have been given detentions for wagging (absent from class or school)
Those who have been given Stand Downs, for offences varying from swearing at a teacher, hitting a fellow pupil, attempting to hit a teacher (we're fast, with good, well-trained and well-practiced reflexes) smoking in the toilets, smoking in class (It only happened once) and vandalism.
Those who have been given a Section 27 for use of cannabis... the list goes on and on.

Though I did have an idea about a particular young man who had been a perpetual thorn in our sides, through theft, assault, intimidation of students and long-term lunacy truancy.

But I had another problem.

Just before I met the Police squad, I had to make a rapid visit to the Men's facilities (careful readers should remember this fact from the last exciting episode).

Something wasn't quite right.

Something in the deepest recesses of my undergarments was becoming strangulated.

Something was becoming acutely uncomfortable.

I was worried about gangrene.

It is really quite difficult to conduct a rational conversation with a bunch of tooled up cops, when one is concerned about the survival of one's sensitive bits.  I really didn't want to dig into my trousers and sort out the problem in front of the cops.  I'd probably get arrested, or worse.

I eventually got the cops off site and made a rapid return to the facilities.  None too soon.  Most feeling had been lost in a very treasured part of my anatomy, and what feeling was left was not pleasant.

I will not go into details, to protect the delicate sensibilities (of some) of my readers, but just say that I had to use large amounts of ice and cold cream on my return home that evening.

So endeth the saga of the Bomb.

No one was hurt (except my damaged area) and all ended satisfactorily.

Even more satisfactory was the fact that the little scrote I had suspected as responsible has now been permanently removed from our hallowed grounds.

Bye-bye you ferret-faced little thieving scrote.

Oh, I almost forgot.

After the Police search, the Sergeant wanted to interview a student he thought looked a bit shifty.  He had a good eye, and the student was definitely looking a bit guilty, but then so did another 300 or so.

The Sergeant mentioned to me that we should keep on the lookout for any suspicious objects or unknown cars.

As I walked around the car park, I spotted a very suspicious car.

I t was old and red, with much rust and peeling paint.

I took down the number and reported it to the cops.

They later told me it belonged to Richard (of RBB) who was busy oiling his cello in his music department.

Sorry Richard (of RBB), but be fair, it look a bit to old and decrepit for a teacher's car.


  1. Replies
    1. Nope.

      No Earth-shattering KABOOM.

      Bit disappointing wasn't it?

      I'll try for something more satisfying next time.

  2. Okay, the missing wheels make it stand out a bit. Did you ever catch the students responsible? I suspect it was that kid who took all the music gear. When I see him down at the mall, he always waves as if to thank me for the goods.

    1. The pupil responsible (I think) is no longer with us.
      Our pupils are always so polite. Don't you think so?

  3. I feel oddly educated just now.


    1. Thanks Pearl.

      That gives me a warm glow around my heart.

      I know it does, because the jar I keep it in is getting warm and emitting a rosy light.

  4. I spent a little time in NZ and spent most of it wondering what the locals were talking about, I looks like English written down, but it sure doesn't sound like English. .
    I'd congratulate you on the survival of the school, it's buildings and the students but I'm not at all sure thats what you had in mind. . . You have had military training haven't you? Bomb making perhaps....

    1. Bloody Hell, an Aussie talking about accents?
      It's a purer form of our common language than the cockney-originating gobble you lot growl.

      Actually, we ALL wanted the bloody place to go up in smoke. We really need new buildings and at least 20th century facilities.

      Yes I have, and I'm not allowed to talk about it.

      Just because I've got a couple of 50kg bags of prilled Ammonium Nitrate in my shed is pure coincidence.

    2. This is a mining town and believe it or not we have so much Ammonium Nitrate that we use it as a garden fertiliser (were not supposed to mind you)
      As for language, it seems that early Aussies hated the British so much that they actively changed as much as they could to be unlike anything from the old country. . . and it worked. We are thoroughly unliked by the British...

  5. My goodness, what an inconvenient time to have "issues" in the nether regions.

    1. You said it Jen. It was uncomfortable in the extreme.

      But, I'm an ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL now, and am able to ignore most discomforts.

      The ice was nice later though.

    2. What happened? Did you get your knickers in a twist?

    3. Sort of.

      It was what was CAUGHT in the twisted knickers that was the problem.

    4. Hmmmn the mind boggles.

  6. Great story! and your choice of photos is perfect and really made me laugh when read alongside the text.

    1. Thank you Jenny.

      I was really proud of how I reacted under stress. I hardly cried at all.

      As far as the photos are concerned?

      It's a gift.

  7. I rescind my previous comment, it was a smart piece of police work! Obviously there's nothing worth bombing in your school, so it had to be a hoax carried out by a pupil. You should have told the police how your old meat-and-two-veg were suffering. The news would have leaked and pupils with grudges might have been satisfied.

    1. What on earth makes you think that I want the little b*stards to be satisfied?

      I don't want satisfaction.

      I want respect and/or fear.

  8. How weird that I should bring up the subject of your nether regions in the previous post and they should pop up in this one. Did they pop up? I don't really want to think about it.

    1. You must be prescient Trish.

      If you don't mind me saying so, your use of Pop Up in this context could be construed as extremely bad taste.

      Nothing is going to "Pop Up" for me, for many, many days.

      I don't think about it either.

  9. Hilarious about the car! I guess teachers need to be paid more..or he's taken it off road."If there is a robbery at the nearby dairy (Kiwitalk for the local shop. " made me LOL. We live in Oakland and my oldest two have had two lockdowns with actual armed gunmen, They came whining about how boring it was hiding under the desk

    1. Richard(of RBB) who works with me, well under me now I suppose, since my AMAZING PROMOTION. Did I tell you I had been appointed ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL? was a wee bit upset at my reference to his rusting red heap.

      I tell it as I see it.

      We did have a robbery at our local dairy a few years ago, when two young men (read ex-pupils of Nuevo Lazio High School) took an armful of cigarettes at knifepoint.

      The funniest I've heard was when 3 guys tried to rob m local liquor store in Silverstream, and the Asian owner saw them off with his Hockey stick. It was all caught on CCTV.

      Great shot of him chasing the bastards down the street, whacking them on the back of their heads and arses with his trusty hockey stick. Hilarious.

      Gunmen in Oakland, not so funny. Glad your kiddies are OK

  10. Thank you for the translation courtesy. What the hell is a paddock did, indeed, cross my mind. The world has SHRUNK.

    So someone used the pupils as a bullet proof barrier? Is that true? Clever, but didn't that necessitate a trip to human resources for a little talk?

    I wasn't aware there were disposable phones. I'm so old and out of it. I need to get out more often.

    I'm glad that nobody, especially your nether regions, were hurt. I'd like to know the kid that did that. Don't be surprised if it happens again and again.

    1. It came as a bot of a shock to me as well.

      I had thought that they'd be speaking English.

      See here for a translation aid.

      No, that wasn't true. It never ever happened. We all saw that it never ever happened, even though some deluded kids thought it did. Silly boys and girls.

      We don't have HR.

      We have me.

      It's referred to as disposable, but it's really a cheap brick phone, with a simple and cheap sim card on a pay and use plan. No names. addresses or account numbers are stored by the company, so the police don't really know who's using it.

      Thanks. I'm glad nothing precious was hurt as well. The kids were ok as well.

      I/we "know" who it was. He's no longer here. The cops now have the phone number. The kid probably won't do it again, as he will no longer be here to see the results, seemingly a requirement for this type of behaviour.

    2. That phone sounds excellent for terrorist activities and drug lords. One wonders why they manufacture them. Did you know they have 3D printers that can make plastic guns? Now, THERE'S a terrible idea.

    3. Yep.
      It's almost as bad as trying to FIRE a plastic gun made in a 3D printer.

      New fingers anyone?

  11. Ha, ha. I have an image in my mind of that scene in 'Something About Mary' with the 'frank and beans' caught in the zipper.

    1. Thank you TC. Knowing that my pain causes others a brief moment of laughter makes it all worthwhile somehow.

  12. Well at least there was no explosions.


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