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Tuesday, 25 March 2014

TSB Bombs (Part the 2nd)

I left the last post just as the school secretary approached at a great rate of knots, telling me that the Police wanted a word.

I know that people's reaction to being told that the Polis (Glesca for the lovely constabulary, of which my Dad was one) varies considerably.

A dumb vegetable
Some may just think "Oh, that's nice" and go back to the semi-vegetative state in which they normally exist. (See Wikipedia for Alzheimers and teenagers)

Dumb Vegans

Some may give a slight start, a twinge of a vague but deep-buried guilt which has been unknowingly been eroding their diminutive soul for the past decade, and then rationalise their reaction by ignoring it.

Some may jump to their feet, unleash an oath, sulphurous in its intensity, and leg it over the nearest fence.

And some may just sit there, appearing to be perfectly calm, whilst screaming "They've caught me, the bast*rds have finally caught me" into the innermost dark yawning chasm of their being.

Funnily enough, good old and well trusted TSB fell into that last category.

I could not move.

I was frozen in fear.

Could it have happened at last?

Could they have finally tracked me down to this quiet backwater of a former Empire?

Could some brilliantly intuitive latter-day Sherlock have discovered not only my ancient crime, but my current whereabouts?

Where's the b*stard gone, and where the f*ck is my Deathstar.

I was doomed.

Even 13,000 bloody Kilometres away from the scene of my misdeed (for there was only one, heinous though it may have been) wasn't far enough?

(Why else would one isolate oneself in this dimly likeable ex-colonial outpost)

Then the lovely girl spoke..

Words which I had never heard before.

Words which were a velvet benison to my straining yet seriously hyperbolised ears.

She said ... "TSB Sir, ...  the Police say ..."

Damn the woman, did she have to breath before every utterance?

"The police...say... That there is a bomb in the school"

Beautiful words, words to be carefully remembered and treasured on those cold dark hours of despair that strike normally in the middle of the night.


Doesn't it sound like poetry?

Oh Sh*t.

There's a bomb in the school.

Striding towards the school office at a high speed, I also became aware of a certain tension.

I needed to pee.

Thus I spake my FIRST COMMAND " Wait a sec, I need to do something first"

And then headed for the loo

Years of experience have taught me that:
  1. If you have to go, you have to go.
  2. Cold weather makes it worse
  3. Drinking 2-3 mugs of double strength coffee also makes it worse
  4. When dealing with authority, students and especially the Police, an empty bladder eases a guilty conscience.

So I went, and did what I had to do.

I hurried back to where she was waiting.

"Oh TSB" she wailed, "What shall we do"

The time had come.

Did I tell you that I'd been promoted to ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL?

I was time for my first command decision.

"Evacuate" I said firmly.

"Evacuate the school" I repeated, as I had seen no sense or even glimmer of understanding in her eyes, and I thought I'd better make it clear to her what I was talking about, especially as I'd just returned from the male facilities.

"Ring the Fire Alarm" I emphasised, "we'll get everyone out of the buildings and down to the sports fields" "They'll be safe there"


I'd done it.

My first independent decision.

I was in the position of absolute power.

NONE could gainsay me.

We turned the corner to where the group of police stood, under the direction of a Sergeant.

The Sergeant looked at me.

"Put this school under lockdown immediately" he said.

Oh Bugger.

Wrong again.

To be continued


  1. God I've missed you, you old bugger.

    Lovely stuff. Your life is much more exciting than mine though your decision making seems on a par.

    Hope you remembered to zip it up.

    1. Nice to see you again too Alistair.

      My life isn't that exciting, it just seems that way when balanced against the unstoppable tide of ennui which swamps us all.

      Did I tell you I'd been made ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL?

      Oh I did zip up, but there was another unwanted effect.

  2. Flashing lights in the rear-view mirror will always make my sphincter clench even though I'm 100% innocent. It's a biological reaction. Thank God it was just a bomb! What a relief!

    Did it go off? Are you typing this from heaven above? Or elsewhere?

    1. You ARE innocent?

      Well, wonders never cease. Actually, at my age it's not so much the sphincters clenching that's my worry, but the opposite, when a certain relaxation creeps in.

      As for the outcome, you'll just have to wait, just like everybody else.

  3. I just am in the wrong occupation you know... my life is so boring compared to all this high jinks.

    Does remind me of the great bank robbery of 1981. What you thought it was old Briggsy and his lot - not a patch on the 1-Apr-1981 raid on Lloyds in out local High Street at lunchtime. We thought having overalls with "Robber" written in large letters, bags with "Swag" on and two people running like Siamese twins due to using one girls tights as masks would have given the game away... it was a 1-Apr gag you see. But soon rumours of a big bank raid were rife throughout the town. My Mum heard several people were shot and the robbers sped off in a large van... "No I didn't I ran over the road into the Cricketers to change out of the costume...."... *assume idiot position* ... the Police Inspector who addressed us the next day had a serious sense of humour bypass as did the headmaster... ;-)

    1. Boring can often be good.

      Good jape. Lucky you didn't get nabbed for wasting police time.

      All principals have their sense of humour surgically removed. it's a law.

      Policemen never have one.

  4. I've missed you, TSB--loved the vegan cartoon!!

    1. Thanks o fishy one. It's nice to be back.

      Love the cartoon too...not too sure about Vegans, bit too wierd for my taste.

  5. I'm not relying on you in a crisis! Couldn't you have hung on a bit?

    I've been evacuated (so to speak) so many times, with working for the State sector, that I ended up really wishing that just for once, the place would explode into smithereens, rather than it being a dodgy toaster.

    1. Be careful what you may wish for.

      Toasters can be very dangerous. Have you actually thought how much damage could be done by a kinetically projected piece of flaming bread?

      Anyway, just wait for the denouement.

  6. Ah, the TSB of old...
    When I hear/see/think of police it's entirely negative, growing up in outback Australia during the 1970 there were a huge amount of corrupt cops. Nasty beatings, thuggery and just who do you complain to when the ones you should be complaining to are the ones doing wrong? (theres still a lost body out in the bush because I was too scared to report it to 'them' for fear of ending up in jail myself)

    1. I'd heard it was bad, but not that bad.

      Scottish Polis were much nicer when I was a boy. They'd just skelp you around the back of your head if they didn't like your looks.

      Where did the Whitty come from>
      First Tempo, the Kymbo, then Kymbo Whitty. Or have you forgotten how to spell Whitey?

    2. Im having all sorts of problem with different accounts linking together (without permission) and stuffing things up. For weeks at a time Im unable to sign into some accounts so when they do let me in Im afraid to point out that theyre using the information from an unrelated account. This one is from Google+ which constantly fights with Blogger for ultimate supremacy..

    3. I'm sometimes having similar problems. It must be Google's© way forward to world domination.

  7. Bugger, there's a part three?! I had just got myself settled for the denouement.
    Was this one of those occasions when the use of sanitary pads might have come in useful? Or has that all cleared up now?

    1. There had to be a part three Trish, because I had run out of time and Richard (of RBB0 was moaning that I hadn't posted for days. (He can bloody talk)

      I'd rather not talk about the pads if you don't mind. It brings back bad memories, and is rather closely linked to part of part three.

  8. Put the school under lockdown when a bomb might go off? That police sergeant is a certified oaf. I hope you told him to kiss your entire arse.

    1. No GB I didn't. Such a request would obviously be beneath the dignity of a newly promoted ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL. Anyway I didn't like his looks.

  9. OMG this is not fair even though you are ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL, some people take a practical joke just too far, don't they? I will look up Alzheimers and teenagers now that makes sense ot a lot of things) and await your next instalment with some misgivings......

    1. We have to treat all such warnings seriously, even though it's just the kids at risk.. (Teachers are shielded by our armour of absolute certainty)
      Some teenagers NEVER leave their semi-vegetative state.

  10. Adventure! Excitement! Being wrong! An ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL craves not these things.

    1. Well done Lad.

      You've just scored 0% in your test.

      1. We are always right. We may be wrong, but WE know we are right.
      2. Excitement is bad. (It cuts into our mandatory snooze time)
      3. Adventure? We don't know the meaning of the word, and just in case, we've had it cut out of our dictionaries.

  11. Replies
    1. Hi Icy Highs, and welcome. For some reason the Reply button is not working this morning, so I've had to just add this comment after yours.

      BTW, what do you mean promising? Try some of the older posts to get the flavour of debauchery, cynicism and dry wit


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