TSB Bombs (Part the 2nd)

I left the last post just as the school secretary approached at a great rate of knots, telling me that the Police wanted a word.

I know that people's reaction to being told that the Polis (Glesca for the lovely constabulary, of which my Dad was one) varies considerably.

A dumb vegetable

Some may just think "Oh, that's nice" and go back to the semi-vegetative state in which they normally exist. (See Wikipedia for Alzheimers and teenagers)

Dumb Vegans

Some may give a slight start, a twinge of a vague but deep-buried guilt which has been unknowingly been eroding their diminutive soul for the past decade, and then rationalise their reaction by ignoring it.

Some may jump to their feet, unleash an oath, sulphurous in its intensity, and leg it over the nearest fence.

And some may just sit there, appearing to be perfectly calm, whilst screaming "They've caught me, the bast*rds have finally caught me" into the innermost dark yawning chasm of their being.

Funnily enough, good old and well trusted TSB fell into that last category.


I could not move.

I was frozen in fear.

Could it have happened at last?

Could they have finally tracked me down to this quiet backwater of a former Empire?

Could some brilliantly intuitive latter-day Sherlock have discovered not only my ancient crime, but my current whereabouts?

Where's the b*stard gone, and where the f*ck is my Deathstar.

I was doomed.

Even 13,000 bloody Kilometres away from the scene of my misdeed (for there was only one, heinous though it may have been) wasn't far enough?

(Why else would one isolate oneself in this dimly likeable ex-colonial outpost)

Then the lovely girl spoke..

Words which I had never heard before.

Words which were a velvet benison to my straining yet seriously hyperbolised ears.

She said ... "TSB Sir, ...  the Police say ..."

Damn the woman, did she have to breath before every utterance?

"The police...say... That there is a bomb in the school"

Beautiful words, words to be carefully remembered and treasured on those cold dark hours of despair that strike normally in the middle of the night.

THERE
IS
A
BOMB
IN
THE
SCHOOL

Doesn't it sound like poetry?

Oh Sh*t.

There's a bomb in the school.

Striding towards the school office at a high speed, I also became aware of a certain tension.

I needed to pee.

Thus I spake my FIRST COMMAND " Wait a sec, I need to do something first"

And then headed for the loo

Years of experience have taught me that:

1. If you have to go, you have to go.
2. Cold weather makes it worse
3. Drinking 2-3 mugs of double strength coffee also makes it worse
4. When dealing with authority, students and especially the Police, an empty bladder eases a guilty conscience.

So I went, and did what I had to do.

I hurried back to where she was waiting.

"Oh TSB" she wailed, "What shall we do"

The time had come.

Did I tell you that I'd been promoted to ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL?

I was time for my first command decision.

"Evacuate" I said firmly.

"Evacuate the school" I repeated, as I had seen no sense or even glimmer of understanding in her eyes, and I thought I'd better make it clear to her what I was talking about, especially as I'd just returned from the male facilities.

"Ring the Fire Alarm" I emphasised, "we'll get everyone out of the buildings and down to the sports fields" "They'll be safe there"

There.

I'd done it.

My first independent decision.

I was in the position of absolute power.

NONE could gainsay me.

We turned the corner to where the group of police stood, under the direction of a Sergeant.

The Sergeant looked at me.

"Put this school under lockdown immediately" he said.

Oh Bugger.

Wrong again.

To be continued