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Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Toilet Humour Seriousness

I try to keep a humorous vein running through most of my posts.

There is a reason for this.

Life throws so many damned nasty and unpleasant experiences at us, that I see it as my duty to help alleviate the gloom, and help myself and others to view the lighter side of life.

It also helps that I'm a deeply cynical, old Scottish Sod (M' Beloved's words, not mine)

But sometimes, a gleam of truth shines through.

This is an example.

I'm sure you may have noticed, but there are differences between males and females.

Here are  three examples to illustrate that point.

Here's a Bloke

For all non-Kiwis, this is Dan Carter, All Black and Rugby God.

Here's a Girl.

Here's something sort of in between... words escape me.


On second thoughts, EVEYONE should look away.

I'm glad to say that there are many differences between Males and Females of the species Homo Sapiens. (I'm not sure that that thing pictured above is actually of our species, but I'll try and say no more about that.)

For example, there is the problem about differentiating colours

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, PEACH is NOT a colour.

I've summarised the appropriate responses for both genders in this handy comparison chart.

Note the reaction to "Tangerine".
When the male mind becomes exhausted as to colour selection, the default state is BEER
I'm not going to spend time detailing the many variations between Male and Female, but I'm going to concentrate on just one aspect.


Seriously, toilets.

I went to a gathering of Deputy Principals and Assistant principals from all around the region.  I honestly didn't want to go. 

I'm not good at networking.

I get on fine with just about everyone, and can have amiable chats with all levels of society.
I even used to be able to talk to Ringo without throwing up or hitting him, so you can see I get along with the lowest scum of the Universe. 

But I can't remember their names.

Because they don't have any immediate function to my current or immediate tasks, then I just gently erase them from my memory.

What was good about this meeting was the speaker.  We had managed to get Mark Treadwell, who is an outstanding speaker on most education topics, and he's one of the few who actually make sense.

His main topic was "How The Minds of Children Learn"

Believe it or not, we don't really know.

For the past 200 years, we've been teaching kids using the well known "It was the way we were taught as kids" method.

When I attended Teacher Training college in the 20th century (honestly, it doesn't feel that long ago) I asked, during one of our first lectures, "how do children's minds learn?"
I was told to sit down and focus on classroom management techniques.

Basic class control technique

Mark has a new book coming out very shortly which explains a lot of this, but one thing he said really stuck in my mind. (I even stopped doodling and paid attention.  I normally doodle at these type of events, and also examine all the nearby delegates for any sign of impending psychological explosion.  You can't be too careful.  These are all people hovering on the edge of a cataclysmic psychotic break.  They've been teachers for a long time, plus they're in (nominal) charge of a pack of semi-feral teachers.  Think herding cats.  Think of boiling tubes of nitro-glycerin.  Plus at the last seminar I attended, a well-built (stacked) lady of mature years but of youthful body, spent at least one hour squeezing the table leg in front of her with her very powerful thighs.  I could hear the wood creak.  I still have no idea what was said for that hour.)

Squeeze Pleeze

Mark explained, and for the first time to a satisfactory degree, why the toilet seat dilemma causes so much angst between guys and gals.

Every bloke who has been in a relationship with a lovely lady knows that once they start co-habitating, the subject of toilet seats comes up (or down.  HAHAHAHA)

It's what we computer scientists call a Binary Solution Set. 

The seat is either up or the seat is down.

This is how it appears to the male perception.

But, to one of our lovely ladies, it is either right or it is wrong. 
(Just in case you weren't aware, up = wrong)

Even after 36 years of (mostly) happy marriage, I was never sure what the causitive factor was.

Was it hormone imbalance? (Always a favourite where the ladies are concerned)
Was it penis envy? (I really don't want to go there)
Was it even sheer absolute and universal bloody mindedness? (a second favourite)


It's all about pattern recognition.

Seemingly (and I'm basing this on Mark's theories here) our brains have cells called Astrocytes, which recognise and store patterns.  We (humans, and I'm charitably including that thing in the third picture) have more of these Astrocytes than any other animal, and they are used to automate many of our everyday actions.

For example, when you drive a car for the first time, the Astrocytes "remember" the pattern your hands make on the wheel to steer the car in the desired direction. No conscious thought is required. (Think of a woman driving and putting on makeup whilst talking on a mobile phone.

Astrocytes in action

Similarly, when you walk up the stairs at home, the Astrocytes "remember" the number of steps. If you start on a different foot from normal, or are distracted at the start, the counting is off, and the "phantom step" occurs.  I believe we are all familiar with the sudden shock that occurs when this happens.  The Astrocytes recognise that something is out of their remembered pattern, and cause an immediate flood of noradrenaline, an ultra-fast acting hormone, which charges the whole body into "fight or flight" reaction.  Similar in feel to a mild electric shock.


When we sit down on a chair unfamiliar to you, it is instinctive to put a hand down first to measure the distance. But after repeatedly sitting down on that chair, the good old Astrocytes "remember" the pattern of muscle movement to allow you to sit gracefully on that chair.

And now to the subject of toilets.

I kid you not.
I didn't make this up or photoshop it.
Guess in which country this originates
I'll give you a clue Anjin-san

In our homes, ladies get used to sitting on the toilet with the seat down.  As they initiate the act of sitting, the Astrocytes take over, using the automated sequence of actions (quite a lot actually, with many diferent muscle and nerve groups taking part.) just as their delicate derrieres hit the cold porcelain, the Astrocytes react to the unusual and unexpected sensation by giving the noradrenaline flood and the subsequent shock to the system.

These stupid idiots actually get a schock on their bum for some stupid "reality" show
THAT is why our ladies get upset. Would YOU like an electric shock when you sit down?

I think not.

Now you know the reason for the reason (to a bloke) of the out of proportion response when we leave the seat up. 
(Remember up = WRONG)

Obviously, the same effect doesn't affect blokes, because we (the obviously superior gender) can pee anywhre we bloody well want to.

Except on electric fences.

Silly superior male


  1. I think I have just learned something.
    Stop that.
    That's not what the internet is for.

    1. Maybe the Internet isn't for that Steve, but I'm a teacher, remember?


  2. I read a similar thing somewhere recently from a female point of view - it was describing this drop onto the seat in the middle of the night only to plunge much further than expected - the point from the lady writing it was "Would you like that guys? Esp if the water isn't clean?"... good point. I live with 2 women now the elder son has found his path in life so ... I close the lid everytime now. That is burned into my Astrocytes now

    1. I see.

      So you've admitted defeat have you?

      Come on man, stand up for your rights, and for the manly symbol of the upright toilet seat.

  3. Is that first pic for real? Thanks a lot. Not.

    "Here's a Girl." You forgot to add "…who would never look at Mark once, much less twice.

    My school district in New Jersey is obsessed with test-taking and school rating vs. the state. They teach kids how to test well and that's about IT.

    1. Of course it's real. I got it off the Internet, so it must be true. Girls have some odd ideas, and they bestow their favours in what looks like to us, a random there's hope yet for mark.

      Funnily enough, the presenter at the seminar mentioned the massive over-testing in the USA. He said $400 billion dollars spent over 40 years, and the result?
      Literacy skills up 0.27%

      Luckily the US culture promotes innovation and enterprise, and this allows the brightest to rise on their own.

  4. So that explains it! It's all so obvious now! But why don't women just say "Keep the seat down because I don't want to feel cold porcelain on my peachy rump". Why have they kept it a secret? Answer me that!

    1. A. Because they are women
      B. Because blokes forget (read as don't really care)
      C. Because blokes (who have been well brought up) don't like peeing on the seat.
      D. Because they are women.

  5. This truth thing you speak of, what is it?

    1. I believe it's an objective view of reality.

      If such a thing is possible.

  6. And a Happy April Fool's Day to you too TSB

    1. April Fool's Day?

      Why did nobody tell me before.

      *sob* missed opportunity.

  7. "And now to the subject of toilets."

    It's this image the will remained ingrained in to my brain.
    What is happening?

    1. Sorry Robert,
      I don't have the time nor the will to explain.

      Tell you what.

      Eat 5 kg of bran and another 3 kg of Rhubarb and just wait.

      Then you'll see.

  8. For some reason, my iPad has decided not to display any of the images in this post. Which is probably a blessing. good to have you(and your dodgy tast in photos) back, TSB!

  9. Hi AliX, nice to hear from you again.
    Yes you're probably correct, and have been saved form buying some Dettol and a wire brush to erradicate the images (especially the 4th picture, showing the thing of inderterminate gender.

    Do you ever suffer from porcelain shock? Or is Tartarus too well trained?

    1. I came back. Saw the photos. *goes off to buy wire brush and Dettol* :-D Actually Tartarus is pretty well-trained. Still working on Sonshine though *sigh*

  10. Oh yes .... that. The middle of the night plunge. Half asleep, or perhaps even sleep walking ... you think you are sitting, you know the distance it should take ... but you fall further and splash. If this doesn't wake you up, the scream does. Then comes the look of death the following morning to the hubby who has absolutely no idea what he's done. Someone missed the memo on "happy wife, happy life."

    1. Thank you for sharing. The fall and the splash don't sound very nice.
      Speaking as one, I think hubby deserves a little bit more than a look.

      Have you considered chili oil on his toilet paper?

    2. no had not. but now I will. the silent revenge - interesting angle

  11. Maybe the answer is to wind an electric fence round a toilet. Or maybe not.

    1. Well done Jenny!
      That's the first positive response I've had, with a really good idea.

      Maybe you've got some Kiwi blood somewhere, or rather, there will be a lot of Kiwi blood (and wee) if we implemented the idea.

      And a lot of screaming.

      Mind you the effect on our ladies when they sit down in forgetfullness would almost be as bad.

  12. Maybe we should exact misery/shock on everyone by insisting we all put the lid down on the seat. Men and women would both get a surprise in the night as they piddle on their feet instead.

    1. What a horrendous idea!

      Well done.

      I can guarantee that if that scenario does come about, I'll definitely be using the bath next time.

      Because I can.

  13. The Butcher's Arms in Herne in Kent is a tiny little pub with only one toilet for all. There's a blackboard in it which says "Ladies. Please return toilet seat to upright position after use."

    That picture of the halfway house "woman" reminds me of certain startling photographs I've seen on dating sites, once you get past the polite conversation.

  14. I like the idea of the male-oriented toilet. Good default position should be up. It just makes sense.

    I bow to your greater experience, as I've never gone into those sites, partly from a low libido, partly from fear of my Beloved if she found out. If that picture is an example, I am very, very glad.
    I'm also glad that you dropped by, as I've been trying to put a comment on your latest blog for over a week, and it just refuses to let me do so.

    1. Yes sorry TSB. I was trying to be clever with the back end, but ended up cocking it up. Should be alright now.

    2. Thanks looby, I'll try later.

      It is always good to fiddle with one's back end.

      Mostly satisfying I find.

  15. We women just like things done our way and if they aren't own way then we find we have to get out the bashing stick and knock some sense into our men until they do it our way. Which is the right way, of course. lol

  16. Welcome Mary, and I must say I like your style.
    How big is your bashing stick?

    And can I borrow it to use on some of my pupils (and some staff as well)?

    I'd always thought that there were three ways:
    My way
    My Beloved's way
    The Army way.

    Funnily enough, my way and the Army way are the same, but we always ending up doing it my Beloved's way.


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