Toilet Humour Seriousness

I try to keep a humorous vein running through most of my posts.

There is a reason for this.

Life throws so many damned nasty and unpleasant experiences at us, that I see it as my duty to help alleviate the gloom, and help myself and others to view the lighter side of life.

It also helps that I'm a deeply cynical, old Scottish Sod (M' Beloved's words, not mine)

But sometimes, a gleam of truth shines through.

This is an example.

I'm sure you may have noticed, but there are differences between males and females.

Here are  three examples to illustrate that point.

Here's a Bloke

For all non-Kiwis, this is Dan Carter, All Black and Rugby God.

Here's a Girl.

Here's something sort of in between... words escape me.

WARNING

THOSE OF A SENSITIVE NATURE SHOULD AVOID LOOKING AT THIS IMAGE.

On second thoughts, EVEYONE should look away.

I'm glad to say that there are many differences between Males and Females of the species Homo Sapiens. (I'm not sure that that thing pictured above is actually of our species, but I'll try and say no more about that.)

For example, there is the problem about differentiating colours

I've said it once, and I'll say it again, PEACH is NOT a colour.

I've summarised the appropriate responses for both genders in this handy comparison chart.

Note the reaction to "Tangerine".

When the male mind becomes exhausted as to colour selection, the default state is BEER

I'm not going to spend time detailing the many variations between Male and Female, but I'm going to concentrate on just one aspect.

Toilets.

Seriously, toilets.

I went to a gathering of Deputy Principals and Assistant principals from all around the region.  I honestly didn't want to go. 

I'm not good at networking.

I get on fine with just about everyone, and can have amiable chats with all levels of society.

I even used to be able to talk to Ringo without throwing up or hitting him, so you can see I get along with the lowest scum of the Universe. 

But I can't remember their names.

Because they don't have any immediate function to my current or immediate tasks, then I just gently erase them from my memory.

What was good about this meeting was the speaker.  We had managed to get Mark Treadwell, who is an outstanding speaker on most education topics, and he's one of the few who actually make sense.

His main topic was "How The Minds of Children Learn"

Believe it or not, we don't really know.

For the past 200 years, we've been teaching kids using the well known "It was the way we were taught as kids" method.

When I attended Teacher Training college in the 20th century (honestly, it doesn't feel that long ago) I asked, during one of our first lectures, "how do children's minds learn?"

I was told to sit down and focus on classroom management techniques.

Basic class control technique

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SHOW FEAR

Mark has a new book coming out very shortly which explains a lot of this, but one thing he said really stuck in my mind. (I even stopped doodling and paid attention.  I normally doodle at these type of events, and also examine all the nearby delegates for any sign of impending psychological explosion.  You can't be too careful.  These are all people hovering on the edge of a cataclysmic psychotic break.  They've been teachers for a long time, plus they're in (nominal) charge of a pack of semi-feral teachers.  Think herding cats.  Think of boiling tubes of nitro-glycerin.  Plus at the last seminar I attended, a well-built (stacked) lady of mature years but of youthful body, spent at least one hour squeezing the table leg in front of her with her very powerful thighs.  I could hear the wood creak.  I still have no idea what was said for that hour.)

Squeeze Pleeze

Mark explained, and for the first time to a satisfactory degree, why the toilet seat dilemma causes so much angst between guys and gals.

Every bloke who has been in a relationship with a lovely lady knows that once they start co-habitating, the subject of toilet seats comes up (or down.  HAHAHAHA)

It's what we computer scientists call a Binary Solution Set. 

The seat is either up or the seat is down.

This is how it appears to the male perception.

But, to one of our lovely ladies, it is either right or it is wrong. 
(Just in case you weren't aware, up = wrong)

Even after 36 years of (mostly) happy marriage, I was never sure what the causitive factor was.

Was it hormone imbalance? (Always a favourite where the ladies are concerned)
Was it penis envy? (I really don't want to go there)
Was it even sheer absolute and universal bloody mindedness? (a second favourite)

Nope.

It's all about pattern recognition.

Seemingly (and I'm basing this on Mark's theories here) our brains have cells called Astrocytes, which recognise and store patterns.  We (humans, and I'm charitably including that thing in the third picture) have more of these Astrocytes than any other animal, and they are used to automate many of our everyday actions.

For example, when you drive a car for the first time, the Astrocytes "remember" the pattern your hands make on the wheel to steer the car in the desired direction. No conscious thought is required. (Think of a woman driving and putting on makeup whilst talking on a mobile phone.

Astrocytes in action

Similarly, when you walk up the stairs at home, the Astrocytes "remember" the number of steps. If you start on a different foot from normal, or are distracted at the start, the counting is off, and the "phantom step" occurs.  I believe we are all familiar with the sudden shock that occurs when this happens.  The Astrocytes recognise that something is out of their remembered pattern, and cause an immediate flood of noradrenaline, an ultra-fast acting hormone, which charges the whole body into "fight or flight" reaction.  Similar in feel to a mild electric shock.

Zap

When we sit down on a chair unfamiliar to you, it is instinctive to put a hand down first to measure the distance. But after repeatedly sitting down on that chair, the good old Astrocytes "remember" the pattern of muscle movement to allow you to sit gracefully on that chair.

And now to the subject of toilets.

I kid you not.
I didn't make this up or photoshop it.
Guess in which country this originates
I'll give you a clue Anjin-san

In our homes, ladies get used to sitting on the toilet with the seat down.  As they initiate the act of sitting, the Astrocytes take over, using the automated sequence of actions (quite a lot actually, with many diferent muscle and nerve groups taking part.) just as their delicate derrieres hit the cold porcelain, the Astrocytes react to the unusual and unexpected sensation by giving the noradrenaline flood and the subsequent shock to the system.

These stupid idiots actually get a schock on their bum for some stupid "reality" show

THAT is why our ladies get upset. Would YOU like an electric shock when you sit down?

I think not.

Now you know the reason for the reason (to a bloke) of the out of proportion response when we leave the seat up. 

(Remember up = WRONG)

Obviously, the same effect doesn't affect blokes, because we (the obviously superior gender) can pee anywhre we bloody well want to.

Except on electric fences.

Silly superior male