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Friday, 25 April 2014

Holidays

Being a teacher, I get plenty of holidays.




I'm just finishing the first week of a two week break, and I'm just starting to relax.

Then I got an email.

It was from a student.


He wanted to know if I'd finished marking his last assessment on relational databases.  He'd handed it in on the very last moment, just before the final deadline, and he wanted to know the result.

I'M ON HOLIDAY!

No that's not quite right.

What the f*ck do you mean that you're going on holiday NOW?
I'M ON F*CKING HOLIDAY!

Which part of the word/concept did he not understand?

Holidays are a time of relaxation, a contemplative re-assessment of the previous section of time in the hell we lovingly refer to as Stalag Luft III or otherwise as Nuova Lazio High School.

Home


I don't want to be reminded of all of the unfinished tasks I've left, the piles of paperwork I'll have to complete before next term, the bloodstains I've got to hide before the cops arrive asking pointed questions about missing teachers, missing students and where the hell has the school mascot (a friendly black slug) got to?


Cedric, the school mascot (we chose him because he's black and venomous, just like some of our kids)


I want to be able to forget the strain of dealing with over-hormoned teenagers, be able to pull the blessed veil of opaque time over the disasters of yesteryear, disregard the pointed questions from my Beloved regarding the empty bottle of Laphroiag and the ever-deepening black hole that is the crazed entity called Novopay.

What Novopay looks like, and probably how it operated


I want to be able to ignore the alarm when it beeps commandingly at half-past-bloody 5 in the morning.  I want to be able to roll over into the warmth and pheromone-laced goodness that is my Beloved before she wakes.  I want to have an afternoon nap if I need to.

This is what holidays should look like

I WANT TO STAY ON HOLIDAY.

But, while the rest of the staff can happily, nay ecstatically, view the coming week as purely the second week of the break, I've got to return to the grind.  As a member of the Management "Team" I'm expected to sacrifice the last week in preparation for the coming educational marathon that is Term Two.

I've got to think of exams, courses, Professional Learning, re-registration deadlines, appraisals, faculty reviews, NZQA deadlines and moderation and last, but definitely not least, teaching.

So the little scrote can wait.

I'm going back to sleep.


For our friends from the USA, here's a little link to an example of the Scottish accent.:

59 comments:

  1. So what mark did the student get on "...his last assessment on relational databases"? Or do I sense finality here? Is the class reading Moby Dick?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Moby Dick?

    No, no NOT relationships, relational.

    Well I suppose the boy in question has a similar relationship to databases as I do to Moby Dick.

    I found it impenetrable, confusing and it ends up with the whole ship going down.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Laphroiag? Whatever happened to good old Stag's Breath?

    As for your pestilential pupil; I'd have gone scripto on him!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cross-commenting much? Seems we're both far too good-natured with the little rats!

      Delete
    2. Laphroaig is the very nectar, the quintessential distillation of all that is good in Scotland. Stag's Breath on the the other hand gets you pissed quicker.

      No, I'll wait until I'm back at the hell-hole and in a fowl mood before i go all postal on his database.


      Cross-commenting?

      I'm always cross and grumpy, so yes.

      Delete
    3. You're Scottish, of course you're always cross and grumpy. As long as you make us laugh we'll just think you're funny and probably give you money to keep it up.
      Hello, Billy Connelly?

      Delete
    4. I resent that. We're not always cross and grumpy, just mostly. I take one day to smile every 10 years.
      I used to be on the stage and adopted all their (rather weird) mannerisms and superstitions. They asked me to leave after I had:

      A) Referred to the "Scottish Play" by it's real name. I ask you. Where's the sense in that. Mind you, I would have understood if the play had been named Campbell, not MacBeth, as every Scot knows what a bunch of manipulating murderers the Campbells are.

      B) Told someone to break a leg, But she ran off before I could properly raise the sledgehammer

      Delete
  4. Hah, you remind me of the headmaster in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, who told a student to smooch up to his big white butt! I've found the clip on You Tube so you can use it to refine your teaching methods.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKTKqP7Qg4s

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Refine?

      I'll have you know that my pedagogy (that's the technical "buzz-word" that educationalists have foisted upon we toilers at the chalk-face to describe the methods we use to survive in front of 40 feral, hormone-laden and acne crusted teenagers) is kept to the maximum level of crudity possible.

      SUBTLETY DOES NOT WORK.

      Bricks work.

      Delete
    2. Two bricks applied with accuracy.
      Prevents production of future pupils.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Helen, and welcome. Unfortunately, the two-brick solution only has an effect on half of the problem. The solution to the other half probably involves a cork.

      Delete
  5. "Being a teacher, I get plenty of holidays!"
    You guys deserve them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Robert, and Yes, Yes we do.

      Delete
    2. I expect my priests to work 24/7.

      Delete
    3. At what?

      Fiddling with little innocent kiddies?

      We'd be much better off if we just shot all of them.

      Delete
    4. You back?

      I thought you'd gone to the big landfill in the sky.

      Delete
  6. What is this thing you call a holiday? As my father used to say, the only thing anyone should ever be doing is working. Nothing else matters and nothing else should even be contemplated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I completely agree with your Pater, Laoch. I am at this moment working very, very hard on regaining enough strength to return to the fray next week.

      Delete
    2. I'm afraid we may be cut from the same cloth.

      I am thinking of running away.

      Pearl

      Delete
    3. Don't run away Pearl.

      Otherwise how can we look forward to reading your blog?

      Rest and rebuild your strength.

      Delete
  7. 'Laphroiag?' A man of taste anyway.
    This Yankee spelling brute claims 'Laphroiag' should be spelt 'Aphrodisiac!'
    Enjoy your rest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you and welcome again Adullamite. Laphroiag is my tipple of choice, but it's a bit bloody expensive down here in NZ, so any donations of the amber nectar are always willingly received.

      Anyway, our Septic friends never could spell. Color...HaHa

      Delete
    2. Laphroiag? That explains your soor face outlook on life. Too bloomin' iodine-y by far. I have a half bottle in the cupboard I've be been manfully struggling through for the last 5 years. But I'm not giving in - or giving it away before you ask!

      Delete
    3. I'll give you a quid for it.

      Actually Laphroiag is the best medicine to use for a sore throat. Gargle first, BUT YOU MUST SWALLOW

      Delete
    4. Expensive? It's about £22-30 depending on which shop you rob. That's what I call expensive! There again I think !;47 for a bottle of beer dear.

      Delete
    5. A 750ml bottle of Laphroiag costs about $NZ 90-$120 down here. That's between £45-£60.

      Now THAT is what I would call expensive.

      *sob*

      Delete
  8. Good think you're not a fireman. Or Prime Minister. Or a policeman. Or a doctor. Or a priest. Or...or...or...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know where you're going with this....a teacher forsooth?

      I couldn't be a politician, I'm too honest.
      I couldn't be a fireman, I like starting fires.
      I couldn't be a policeman, I'm still on the dodge for the last incident.
      I could be a doctor, I think I'd specialise in gynaecology

      I couldn't be a priest. I hate kids..

      Delete
  9. Feeling your pain TSB. It seems your life is starting to look a bit like the Novopay system - a pile of spaghetti. Cheeky little beggar to be the last to hand in and first to ask for his mark. I'd tell him I mark in the order I receive! That should shut him up! Shame you can't delegate your marking, like the uni professors do at Victoria. As an IT tutor I was marking both minor and major assignments for under grads and paid well for it too, but it was incredibly onerous. I did however really enjoy discovering the cheats and plagiarism that was rife. The offenders did not even try to disguise it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll agree about the spaghetti, but with Novopay it's more of a hyperdimensional solid.

      The bloke who wants his mark will get it. AFTER I return to teaching and not a second before. My kids don't plagiarise, they're not that smart.

      Delete
  10. Going back to sleep? I should bloody well think so too. The wee bugger is just trying to mess with your heid and get a better score. Mark him down. No TSB - TAKE HIM DOWN.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It'll tak mair than a 16 year old bauchle tae mess wi' ma haed.

      If i can survive Ringo, I can survive anything.

      Delete
  11. This is what I have always suspected about teaching, that you don't really get holidays because there is such an enormous amount of work to do at home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jen,
      yes it's true. There's never enough time during the term to finish all we have to. Mind you, my Beloved objects to me doing work at home as well. I'm kind of caught in the middle.

      Delete
  12. Have you ever thought of leaving your job and becoming a wandering philosopher-poet?
    You'd starve to death, obviously, but it's a thought...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for that Steve. Starving to death has always been on my list of Things-to-do.

      Actually i quite like the idea of a wandering philosopher. I could roam the world offering advice to troubled souls, be balm to wounded spirits, comfort lonely yet handsome widows, and drink lots of whisky.

      Beats the hello out of teaching I can tell you.

      Maybe you could make a digital cartoon of it.

      "Twisted Scottish Philosopher against the Gloom of Pedagogy"

      Delete
  13. "Long live the Presbyterian Work Ethic". She says as she crawls back into bed on this dull and gloomy cold day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so lucky.
      I'm in my wee office at NLHS, catching up on marking and NZQA stuff.

      I wish I was back in my nice warm (and slightly fart-smelling) bed.

      Delete
    2. Well I'm sick actually. Have been for a week as my colleague decided to come to work on last day of term and spread her bugs around. Ironically a Health/PE teacher. Just had to let us share her misery. Alright for her she's gone off to live/ be a kept woman in Hong Kong for the rest of the year.

      Delete
    3. Oh you poor wee soul.

      You have my permission to indulge yourself with a nice hot toddy.

      A kept woman? Sounds a bit kinky; tell us more.

      Delete
    4. It was her last day at work before going on LWOP for the remainder of the year as her hubby is on a work secondment to HK. I gather he is not in teaching and she has no plans to work hence being a "kept woman". Even though she was really very sick she insisted on coming to school to say goodbye and get her token bottle of wine leaving gift, hand in her keys and give chocolate treats to her students! Such devotion, but sadly no common sense. The resulting cold she passed onto me has now evolved into an inner ear infection I fear as I am getting frequent bouts of dizziness. Don't need a hot toddy. Feel like I've been on the sauce in a bad way without imbibing at all!

      Delete
    5. At least she meant well.

      Have a good sleep.

      And stay away from Richard.

      Delete
    6. I am. His blogs have become insane. Time he went back to his padded cell at NLHS.

      Delete
    7. He did tell me that his biggest problem was the drummers.

      To a drummer:
      loud=good
      Louder=better
      Loudest=awesome.

      Poor old bugger.

      Delete
  14. I've noticed that Richard (of RBB)'s blogs are getting lots of comments. The three bass bag thing seems to be paying off for him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, I wondered when creeping Jesus would appear. You must realise by now my dear DickyBird, that most of us can recognise a sock puppet when we see one. (For the uniniated, a sock puppet is a false or bogus identity created by a user to falsly increase the apparent level of interest in a post or a comment)

      Delete
  15. Teachers in NZ give out their phone numbers to pupils?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phone number?

      *rapidly re-reads post"
      What phone? The silly bugger emailed me.
      I never give my number out to pupils.

      Actually I'm bloody reluctant to even give my number to staff.

      The sick bunch of sods are always phoning me and winging on about having the black death, flu or morning sickness.

      Whatever happened to the "stiff upper lip"

      They need to harden up.

      Delete
  16. Students are allowed to email teachers. Gosh i didn't know that, I must be in the dark ages. I know one friend of mine who is a teacher says the students argue with her over the grades she gives them!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi again, Oh Kiwi maiden living in far-off and exotic California.

      Fear not.

      I only give my school email to my students. I can access the school system from home, and so can they. It's a convenient method of keeping in touch, reminding them of assessments etc.

      I do sometimes get a student who disagrees with my grade, but I always listen, and go back over the assessment with them, explaining good and bad points. One time, I agreed that I'd misinterpreted the answer, and upped the grade.

      Just the once mind.

      Delete
  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Richard my dear friend and colleague, you are now taking part in what is known as trolling.

      This has to stop.

      Otherwise you will become known as a Troll.

      Delete
  18. Oh TSB it's so nice to read your stuff again. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice to see you are also back amongst the "living"

      Delete
  19. That was fantastic! Thanks, pal. You've got a knack for exotic foreign accents. Perhaps you can parlay that into a paying gig.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not exotic for me.

      Mind you it wasn't quite my normal voice. I was 'trying" to channel Sir Sean.

      Anything that pays interests me.

      Delete
  20. I saw you made a comment on another blog, The Gaping Ape and when I saw your name I had to click on it. So glad I did, you're hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi again Mary, I'm glad you think I'm hilarious.

    Any time misfortune strikes me and it makes somebody else happy, it just makes my day.

    Just wait for the next post ... I'm working on a little something about why it's good to be a bloke.

    ReplyDelete

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