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Sunday, 17 June 2018

Keep Out

I've spent the day up ladders and on roofs, doing a major clean out of all the guttering.  While I was up on the roof, perched precariously over one of the skylights, I heard a voice calling to me.






I am ashamed to say that my first thought that Robert was indeed correct, and that the Almighty was giving me a sign.

Then I realised the voice was female.

Bang goes every preconception I had then.

There was a God, and she was female (not necessarily a Lady, depending on Her behaviour) and I was completely and utterly f*cked.

Then I became aware that the voice was actually originating in the front garden.  I stepped very cautiously to the edge of the roof and beheld.

A hunting pack of Jehova's Witnesses.

Not quite like these lovely ladies

Each one was more like this


Look.

I was brought up to be polite.

I would categorise myself as a gentleman.

So I very politely told them to F*CK OFF.

I'm going to add a sign to our front gate.





28 comments:

  1. Our Jehovah's Witnesses are a friendly bunch, even our murderous ram likes them...but they do have a knack of turning up at the wrong moment. Jam cannot be left while I trek all the way down to the gate to see who it is that the dogs are barking at.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Friendly?
      Intrusive god-botherers friendly?
      Polite I would certainly agree, but I wouldn't say friendly.
      I think you're just too nice. Why not re-training your ram to be a bit more agressive towards them, or even (and this is a bit extreme) pour some of your boiling jam over them. I know it's a terrible waste of jam, but it's in a good cause.

      Delete
    2. But they really are friendly! Unlike the lot who lie in wait at the bus terminal threatening passers by with The Watchtower and asking damn fool questions...

      Delete
    3. Your local nonce is also friendly.

      Still should be subjected to death by flamethrower.

      Delete
  2. We had a very persistent man coming to the door (one day he stopped by twice) where we'd ask what he selling and said he'd like to come in ... um what part of get the F*ck off my front step was unclear? I have to say in a digital age it is rare to have anyone come to the door except the post man....and well, the religious wing nuts ?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you could have had a narrow escape. Maybe he wasn't a religious nut, but just a plain and simple mass murdering psychopath (almost preferable to a JW in my opinion) When I was a lad, I do remember door-to-door salesmen, brushes, vacuum cleaners and ladies underwear, but I think that last one was a bit dodgy.

      Delete
  3. They were around at our place on Saturday morning in a pack. That’s how they roll. Must be getting desperate for business in our sweet valley. As usual I ignored the door knock. Busy eating my breakfast. Nothing will interrupt that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well done. Breakfast? Bacon, sausages and eggs?

      Delete
  4. Ah no TSB. A tad healthier than that. Freshly brewed coffee granola cereal with fresh fruit. Got to watch my cholesterol and figure. Bacon is reserved for special occasion brunches.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Last time they came to my door I pretended that I only spoke Italian. It may seem silly but it works well. They like to comein with a practised leading question. Something like, "Do you love Jesus?" Between them they have a list of follow up questions that they intend to bounce back like a team. When they hear a funny language you can see them thinking, "Okay,this is going to be tricky." You can see them weighing up how many words will be understood and whether this is worth pursuing. At that point I throw is a few badly pronounced English words. "I'ma talk little ofa English." Now these guys are here to talk (and persuade) about a difficult subject - remember that they have a rehearsed line of attack. They also were going to hand over a free magazine to clinch any doubt. Suddenly the magazine is useless, as was their careful preparation. You can see defeat on their faces as they try to wrap things up quickly. Heck, there are people to be saved. We can't help this poor foreign wretch. They bugger off pretty quickly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well done Richard, confusing the buggers is good. Eradication would however be better.

      Delete
    2. Well if you wanted them to bugger off even quicker why not regale them with a dissertation on double basses?

      Delete
    3. TC, that's just too nasty. Even for them.

      Delete
  6. Oh well now I'm here taken from all my other preoccupations, sleep, rest, wine... to name just a few.
    I'll say...
    Love,Joy, Peace,Patience, Kindness,Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self Control.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't go there Robert,
      or you meet,
      Hate, Depression, War, Action, Hate (again), and many other antithese, but I'm just too bored to add.

      Delete
    2. ...not to mention sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred (you mentioned that), discord, jealousy, fits of rage (I like that one) , selfish ambition (failed on that one today) , dissensions (surely we should not follow blindly?) anyway.. factions (why are factions wrong?) and envy, drunkenness (a beer and a bottle of wine is ok surely), orgies ( wow never even had dreamed of that one!) and the like.....

      Delete
  7. We never receive any calls from them. I think there must be stacks of really godly people here and so simply not worth them bothering about.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Could be Jenny, could be.
    Unless of course your area is a hotbed of Satanism and they don't wish to put their souls at risk.

    Actually their is a rumour that the V & A is a hidden centre for witchcraft, so maybe your last visit has immunised you against the bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The idea that someone can completely revamp your belief system with just a rap on the door and few words kind of blows my mind a little bit. Mormons do it to. Who do these people think they are? Mom taught me to be polite but sometimes it's a challenge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, it is a challenge. Why are we taught to be respectful to these people?
      If somebody came around to my house asking us the believe in an invisible, omnipotent, omniscient sky fairy, we'd have them locked up. Or more probably in the US of A, a load of buckshot.

      Delete
  10. Did Angry Jesus's comment get deleted? He asked me to check.

    ReplyDelete
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