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Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Getting Tired

As you may know, I used to (many years ago) be in the Army.  Not the respectable, but tiny, NZ force of do-gooders and disaster rescue specialists, but the pretty professional, deadly and mean British Army.  During my time in my Regiments, as both Gunner and Officer, I picked up a fair amount of training in many unusual skills.
I can (or could) conduct a basic radiological survey to report the consequences of a nuclear attack (NUKEREP), I was my Battery's Biological Warfare specialist, and also helped out the senior Captain who was our Chemical Warfare specialist.

I went on courses with REME to help understand the problems involved when recovering our Ten Ton trucks from mud and mire.  I attended a course run by the Royal Engineers on safe water supply, including building a water supply point, purification system and a temporary water tower, built with scaffolding, planks and a large rubber paddling pool.

105mm Pack Howitzers
I went on a field Artillery course, using the first computer controlled fire control systems in the military, and did many practice shoots with 105mm pack howitzers.

7.62mm L1A1 SLR
My small arms skills were enhanced after a course on marksmanship with our 7.62mm SLR (Self Loading RIfle) and my all time favourite, the updated WWII Bren Gun, designated the 7.62mm LMG.  I got so accurate with the LMG that I could pick off 30 metal plates at 200 metres with one 30 round magazine.

7.62mm L4 LMG
As we expected our life in action (as an organised unit) to be about 36 hours after the Soviets came pouring through the Fulda Gap (we were then an Air Defence Regiment, using old 40mm Bofor Guns, and would be the priority for all those nasty napalm carrying Migs) we were also trained in escape and evasion.  We were also tasked to make life as difficult as possible for the advancing Soviets by causing as much mayhem as possible using various techniques.  We were trained in setting up simple booby traps, using kit the Sappers would give us.  Tripwires, pressure switches, command detonated directional mines (Claymores) and many more.

A complete Claymore kit
I mention all of the above as a background to the next.


without an extremely good reason (wanting days off, rioting kids, missing teachers or relievers is not nearly a good enough reason) is going to find out how deadly I can be when riled.  Two Claymores rigged with a command detonation switch is a bit dangerous.  The bang would definitely hurt my ears, and the interrupter on the outside of my office might find that 700 steel ball bearings travelling at greater than 1200 m/s might sting a little.

The effects of a claymore at 100 metres


You're dealing with an irritable dealer of death.  I will not be responsible for my actions if another idiot wanders into my office warbling on about "having to go to the dentist the next day but not needing any cover really, just to let me know that he'll be out of school in the morning and that everything will be alright really."



Mr Claymore will not be your friend if I push the clacker.

And just for The Curmudgeon (and Fflur and Nicola)

The very soft and rounded Mme. Bridgette Bardot of Immortal Memory


  1. I fearfully entered your office yesterday to sneak some relief off the shelf behind you, but your spidey senses were alerted and your spun about like a cat (you were on a swivel chair which helped). Thankfully it was to say "hello" and not to detonate a small munitions device.

    You know, I think the problem is your sign which actually appears to be sort of comic. You should do what Hayley does and paper over the glass in your window and write DO NOT DISTURB in big red letters.

  2. She has lovely breasts - I am kinda jealous.

  3. I don't think I've met anyone who purports to be as grumpy as you - and I'm pretty grumpy myself at times. Why not fit a latch bolt so you can lock the bloody door and keep everyone out. It's got to be much cheaper than all the munitions although they would give a satisfying bang and obviously offer a more permanent kind of solution, but think of the mess, permanent damage to hearing and tidying up you would have to do, as well as all the complaints you would generate. Do you really need that much grief in your life??? {And if you do, isn't that your wife's job?}

    As you can see I've signed up. Not sure I'll be in for the full twenty-five mind!!


  4. And please don't be jealous Fflur - almost any burds boobs would look good with a corset like that beneath them.

    She looks far too smug about it all!

  5. I think you may need to print off this post and put it on your door as I fear the audience you are trying to get through to may not be the same as your online audience!

  6. "almost any burds boobs would look good with a corset like that" - not mine, but I am actually okay with that, I have made peace with the boobs I was given a long time ago.

  7. Thanks for sharing that Fflur.
    Great post. I suspect TSB would make an excellent Custodian.

  8. I was pondering further on your munitions of choice last night and wondered if you had considered a flame thrower? It would have the added bonus of heating the office nicely at certain times of the year - and most people benefit from a scorching now and then.........

  9. MoE [The teacher, not the Ministry] you are always welcome in my office. I'll make sure the detonators are safed before you enter.

    Fflur; no need to be jealous. Every woman is beautiful. Some are just more beautiful than others. BB had a stunning effect on my generation.

    Alistair; welcome, feel free to visit often. I always check out your "crivens etc" blog each day. I enjoy being grumpy. I use The Curmudgeon as a role model. I know bolts and signs may be moree efficient, but I like loud explosions.

    Pinky; Your new colleagues probably bring their timetablers hot chocolate at regular intervals.

    Fflur; Your boobs....don't know, don't tell.

    Second; Custodian of what? how many?

    Alistair (again); Naw, flame throwers are too quiet. No bangs. Any way this time of the year is NZ's late spring. Like Edinburgh at high summer. Are your little tootsies getting chilly?

  10. Aye it's Baltic over here. Another couple of months of this and I'll have to put a bar of the fire on........


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