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Monday, 22 November 2010

A B C of England

England.  Smashed by the ABs .  Again

I hate to admit it, but I was reading one of my beloved's magazines. The English Woman's Weekly.

I needed something to read while I was communing with nature, and when I reached the last page, there was an article called the ABC of the UK. It was asinine, even more than the norm for these magazines, so I thought I'd have a go. 

A. Arseholes. England is filled with these, specially dominant in and around London

B. Bastards. Almost as many as arseholes.

C. Crap. All these arseholes produce vast amounts of crap. Mostly ends up on TV or in the National Gallery

D. Drunks. It is a part of the Law in England that all males between 15 and 23 drink a minimum 6 pints of beer on Friday and Saturday evening, turn into A and/or B and talk a load of C.

E. Evensong. A religious observance which has changed slightly over the years. It is now the Ds, acting as A and B and trying to sing "Viva Espania" after 10pm.

F. Freedom. No longer exists in the UK, due to a massive influx of USA derived regulation regarding free speech, and the incredible number of CCTV cameras on every roof, street corner and Public Toilets.

G. Grass. The cool wet climate of the UK is ideal for growing grass (of the bovine fodder type), and the English, being a naturally boring people have perfected the technique of using this green stuff to make lawns. And talk about lawns. And spend all their waking moments caring for their lawns. And telling everyone how much work it is keeping it smooth and verdant.
Perfect (but boring) lawn

H. Hysteria. The UK press discovered Media Hysteria round about the time Diana was killed. Raving mindlessly about this pretty but brainless adjunct to a parasitical Royal family led to a "spontaneous" outpouring of emotion and grief from the "Great British Public". Complete bollocks, just used it to sell more newspapers.

I. Indian Restaurants. A generic description, which also covers Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and Sri Lankan restaurants and take-aways. There are more of these food outlets than in any other country. They are now embedded in the English culture, and a good thing too, as traditional English food is boring and mostly tasteless (Boiled beef and carrots?). A night out for D above is not complete without at least a Vindaloo or a Madras. Chundering afterwards is not mandatory, but is rarely avoided.

J. Jokes. The English believe that they invented humour, and that all other cultures have just tried to copy them.. They have a point. English humour is probably the most developed of all the humour sub-types. Germans only laugh when they invade somebody, French laugh, then retreat and wave a white flag, Americans do not understand Irony. Or English. And all Australian jokes are either about sheep or Kiwis.
Teacher Joke (Solve this problem)

K. Knackered. General description of England in the 21st Century. Knackered economy, knackered morals, knackered culture. Basically stuffed from start to finish

L. London. Huge, dirty, packed with every type and sub-type of just about every race on Earth. Great Museums and Art Galleries, but you couldn't pay me enough money to actually live there. Essential survival items are:

    a. An A-Z (street guide), because it's so bloody big, even the locals get lost, and the traffic is horrendous.

    b. A multi-lingual dictionary/phrase book. Because when you get lost, you'll need it to ask for directions as most of the locals don't speak English.

Royalty.  Adding class to Insane Asylums since 1255

M. Monarchy. These remnants of the Middle Ages are hanging on to their position of power and privilege by their fingernails. Most of their "subjects" want them gone. Lizzy is a consummate politician, but Phil the Greek is a racist plonker, Charlie is an eco-nut who talks to flowers and has a "thing" for older horse-faced women. The recent attempt to instil some sort of comeback using Prince William is doomed to failure. Nobody (apart from the Tabloids) really cares anymore.

N - Z will be posted as soon as I get the time.  Seeing I'm timetabling, arranging Junior Exams, setting up the reports, and contributing to an American web magazine, don't hold your breath.


  1. Your next door neighbour is really nice! A reflection of all the boys at the school!
    Sorry - nothing to do with your post!

  2. Sounds like you're living in the right place, as far away from England as possible.

  3. "Sounds like you're living in the right place, as far away from England as possible."

    Yes Anon. I can't get further away until they commercialize space travel. My name is on the list. Living on the Mare Tranquillitatis would be bliss compared to Earl's Court.


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