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Thursday, 18 November 2010


Oh dear, I'm in the doghouse.

After having gone quietly along to the amateur musical entertainment last night, I thought I'd be well into my beloved's good graces, and may have even scored enough brownie points to be in credit for at least a few days.

For you non-married folk out there, or even you recently partnered ones (recent is less than 10 years together) there is a points system involved when living together with a woman, and it works something like this.

The female partner starts of with 1000 points, and this rarely decreases.

The male starts at -5000 and has to strive to at least reach positive numbers

Males gain points by:

1. Remembering Birthdays

2. Remembering Anniversaries

3. Remembering IMPORTANT EVENTS (like when you first met, dated, got engaged, her Mother's Birthday etc.)

4. Ironing without complaint

5. Mowing the lawns

6. Vacuuming the carpets

7. House painting

8. Routine maintenance of house and car

9. Washing the dishes

10. Drying the dishes

11.  Doing what your dear lady tells you to do

Males lose points by:

1. Drinking too much

2. Arriving home too late

3. Snoring

4. Farting at inopportune moments

5. Forgetting 1 - 3 above

6. Not doing what she tells you to do.

7. Almost anything else depending on her mood.

8. Female having a bad day

9. Female having bad menstrual cramps

10. Female has PMT

11. Female starting menopause

12. Female running out of petrol in HER car, because YOU obviously didn't check it properly the last time you washed, waxed, filled the radiator and the wash reservoir, checked the oil and checked the air pressure in the tyres (including the spare)

13.  Looking in an admiring way(or even in the direction of) a pretty girl, especially if wearing/not waering attractive clothing

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and in the interests of good taste, I have not included any mention of points, plus or minus, regarding any sort of sexual activity. I leave that to your imagination.
However, I'm in the doghouse. I surmised this fact by the simple observation of seeing my beloved turning her head away from me as I attempted to give her a kiss on returning home from Nuova Lazio High last night.

I mentally ran through the usual checklist (after 30 years, the list is pretty exhaustive) as I mentioned before on this post.
Not one thing on the list. I did the sensible thing. I smiled bravely and went away to change into my home clothes (shorts and tee-shirt).
About an hour later of semi-frigid silence, I was told what my offence was. I had made a funny comment to one of her friends at the Indian Restaurant last night.

Not offensive.

Not weird.

Mildly jocular.

I had made some sort of comment about men being slightly hypochondriac. Men don't get colds, we get flu. We don't get a paper cut, we gash our fingers to the bone. My beloved had been a nurse for 25 years, and while she is really good at the major-league stuff, she is (I thought, obviously in error) a bit unsympathetic towards minor ailments. It was a quick, almost throw-away line. Not aimed at hurting anyone, just reinforcing a male mindset.


I had really completely undermined my beloved's reputation with her friends, by saying she didn't care if I was ill or dying. I don't remember saying that, but I must be wrong.

I'm a man.

We're always wrong.

Didn't you know that?


  1. TSB (not the arena, the Scosman) sometimes I can't believe how stupid you are! You earn points for, say digging over the garden, and are lulled into a state of false security.
    Every night, when you got to bed, the slate is wiped clean and you start again the next day. This is the truth that you should know by now.
    TSB (not the arena, the Scosman) sometimes you make me dispair!!!

  2. "13. Looking in an admiring way(or even in the direction of) a pretty girl, especially if wearing/not waering attractive clothing"

    Does she know about your blog?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I know how you feel TSB.
    A couple of nights ago I got the 'cold shoulder'. I still don't know what I did or didn't do as the Old Girl 'doesn't want to talk about it'.
    Everything is fine now but it nags me. Men go blithely through life unaware of the finer subtleties that women seem to pick up on all the time.

  5. It helps to have your own TV and head phones. Though I could be wrong.


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