The Mah Jong Massacre

I mentioned previously that I would be accompanying Mrs. TSB to her weekly Mah Jong outing, but I've refrained from posting about for a variety of reasons. (Too damned lazy is number one)

The First Weekend of Freedom

And I'm still bored.

I managed to fix that technical problem at school, and I stayed around doing some little jobs. Back home, looking forward to a day of....nothing.

Maybe some vacuuming and wrapping presents. It's wet outside, so that's a big no to gardening.
I've got one unread book left, so I'll have to ration it carefully.
Unlike The Curmudgeon, my beloved is here all day, so no fry-ups, no hitting the vino, and probably no use of "That Satan-spawned electronic mistress", my poor inoffensive computer. (Shhh my darling, she doesn't really mean it. Don't worry, I'll give your fans a good clean later)

I could sit down with some pen and paper and write out all the evidence for the existence of God, but that would only take about 5 seconds.
Then I could write a list of things which tend to show that God does probably not exist; but then I'd be writing for the rest of the day.

I could write a list of all the things I like about my life here in not-so-sunny Aoteroa, and compare it with the my previous existence in Grim (and currently deep-frozen) Caledonia.

I could browse the web(before my beloved wakes up) and find a funny video to share with my friends. Yes I'll do that. Don't worry TC et al, no guns or boobs this time.

Backlash

Oh dear, I'm in the doghouse.




After having gone quietly along to the amateur musical entertainment last night, I thought I'd be well into my beloved's good graces, and may have even scored enough brownie points to be in credit for at least a few days.



For you non-married folk out there, or even you recently partnered ones (recent is less than 10 years together) there is a points system involved when living together with a woman, and it works something like this.

The female partner starts of with 1000 points, and this rarely decreases.

The male starts at -5000 and has to strive to at least reach positive numbers



Males gain points by:

1. Remembering Birthdays

2. Remembering Anniversaries

3. Remembering IMPORTANT EVENTS (like when you first met, dated, got engaged, her Mother's Birthday etc.)

4. Ironing without complaint

5. Mowing the lawns

6. Vacuuming the carpets

7. House painting

8. Routine maintenance of house and car

9. Washing the dishes

10. Drying the dishes

11.  Doing what your dear lady tells you to do



Males lose points by:

1. Drinking too much

2. Arriving home too late

3. Snoring

4. Farting at inopportune moments

5. Forgetting 1 - 3 above

6. Not doing what she tells you to do.

7. Almost anything else depending on her mood.

8. Female having a bad day

9. Female having bad menstrual cramps

10. Female has PMT

11. Female starting menopause

12. Female running out of petrol in HER car, because YOU obviously didn't check it properly the last time you washed, waxed, filled the radiator and the wash reservoir, checked the oil and checked the air pressure in the tyres (including the spare)

13.  Looking in an admiring way(or even in the direction of) a pretty girl, especially if wearing/not waering attractive clothing

This is by no means an exhaustive list, and in the interests of good taste, I have not included any mention of points, plus or minus, regarding any sort of sexual activity. I leave that to your imagination.
However, I'm in the doghouse. I surmised this fact by the simple observation of seeing my beloved turning her head away from me as I attempted to give her a kiss on returning home from Nuova Lazio High last night.

I mentally ran through the usual checklist (after 30 years, the list is pretty exhaustive) as I mentioned before on this post.
Not one thing on the list. I did the sensible thing. I smiled bravely and went away to change into my home clothes (shorts and tee-shirt).
About an hour later of semi-frigid silence, I was told what my offence was. I had made a funny comment to one of her friends at the Indian Restaurant last night.

Not offensive.

Not weird.

Mildly jocular.

I had made some sort of comment about men being slightly hypochondriac. Men don't get colds, we get flu. We don't get a paper cut, we gash our fingers to the bone. My beloved had been a nurse for 25 years, and while she is really good at the major-league stuff, she is (I thought, obviously in error) a bit unsympathetic towards minor ailments. It was a quick, almost throw-away line. Not aimed at hurting anyone, just reinforcing a male mindset.


Wrong

I had really completely undermined my beloved's reputation with her friends, by saying she didn't care if I was ill or dying. I don't remember saying that, but I must be wrong.

I'm a man.

We're always wrong.

Didn't you know that?

Activities 2

The second exciting installment of things to do (and be done to) for the last week of term.

Find the Virgin.

A simple and fast activity, suitable for all boys.

1. A map of Nuova Lazio is given out with a red and a black pen.
2. The boys are allocated diferent areas of Nuova Lazio to investigate.
3. Each boy marks with a black pen the inhabitations (houses, sheds, tents and dug-outs common to Nuova Lazio) where non-virgins abide.
4. Each boy marks with a red pen the inhabitations where they discover a virgin.
5. All virgins below 12 are excluded.
6. When they return destroy the maps, there's no point.  There are no virgins over 12 in NL.
7. An excellent exercise in futility which builds character and wastes time.
8. The perfect end-of-term activity

Dig a Hole

A complex task, suitable only for the high achievers.  Needs some preparation and equipment, 1 Moro bar and a small bag of raw peanuts.

A paddock is obtained from a local farmer/marijuana plantation owner (NOTE: Definitely NOT the same paddock as used for find the landmine)

1. Both boys and girls can participate in this harmless activity
2. Each person is given a shovel or a pickaxe
3. The group (maximum 100 participants) proceed to the paddock, where you have already marked out separate digging areas of 5 metres square.
4. The participants work in groups of 4, digging out the indicated area.
5. Care must be taken not to:
1. Throw soil into an adjoining marked area (bad form, not cricket) (Not that the bloody Black Caps would recognise a real game of cricket if it bit them in their collective arses)
2. Bury tools under loose soil
3. Bury other participants
6. The holes dug have to be at least 5 metres deep
7. At 1 O'clock, the groups change areas and proceed to fill in the recently dug holes.
1. Be especially careful to note 2 and 3 of step 5 above.
8. The first group to complete the fill-in do NOT get the Moro bar.  You eat it as you watch.  Seeing other people working hard causes a great hunger, and must be treated quickly.
9. Remove all tools and COUNT THE PARTICIPANTS.
10. Any missing can be accounted for as evolution in action
11. Clean tools and return to Nuova Lazio High.
12. Explain to the participants that they may as well get used to it.
13. Distribute two peanuts each (2½ for the fastest group), and explain that they may as well get used to it.

More exciting activities tomorrow.


To complete today's package is a video expounding the reasons why men should by a certain British 'newspaper'.  The video needs sound and I recommend caution, as some naughty words and pictures are included.