300000 and a Lack of Irony

I used this because I like the concept
also
Bye bye Second (again)

My blog recently hit 300,000 views, and proud though I was of this achievement (mainly due I suspect to the numerous images of a rather pulchritudinous nature) I posted comments on as many other blogs as possible saying : "I've hit 300000 views you know."

Books for Christmas

Seeing it's the time of giving, I thought I'd give you all some ideas for presents.

Most of these books are aimed at the impressionable young, so be careful which you choose.

WARNING

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS POST.

THIS POST IS NOT EVEN AWARE OF THE CONCEPT OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

THE MAIN OBJECT OF THIS POST IS TO AMUSE AND OFFEND ALMOST EVERYONE

Enter at your peril

Courage

Bravery

I am a man of many faults. Please, please don't gasp in horror, it is true. I have some failings. Not many, it's true, but I am not fault-free.

 

 

 

I do however possess (I think) moral courage.

 

If I'm in a meeting and a statement is made that I don't understand, I'll ask for clarification. I'm not scared to ask. I've found over the years that there isn't really a dumb question, and not asking about an unknown abbreviation or a newly named concept makes you look even sillier later on.

 

 

 

If an idea is presented which is based on concepts that I find contravene my world-view, I'll challenge them.

 

Last year at the HOF meeting which was deciding which courses would be available to our students the following academic year, a proposal was put forward by our Maori HOF that they introduce a course called Putaio. This was a science course, but based on Maori world-view and concepts. I originally trained as a scientist, in Biochemistry and Microbiolgy and only later did I pick up my MSc in Computing, so Science, and its concomitant ideology is very dear to my heart. I made the comment that "Perhaps Science should be taught as Science not mixed in with cultural references" As far as I know, there is no such thing as American Science, or Indian Science or any "type" of Science, there is just science; an objective method, based on theorems and experiments which tries to make sense of our Universe and establish some sort of system which will allow us to predict a cause and effect

 

Ringo told me off "For being culturally insensitive" The course went ahead, but I still think it's wrong.

 

Is a Maori Oxygen molecule different from a European one?

 

Do Maori electrons travel at different speeds to others?

 

Complete bollocks.

Courage

 

 

 

However, yesterday evening, I displayed a moral courage equal to anything I've done before.

 

 

 

Last month, as I mentioned in my post, I bought my beloved (who suffers from a mild vertigo) a tricycle. Bright red, with a huge white basket over the back axle. I also bought a cheap second hand bike for myself. The idea being that we go for gentle bike rides around the area where we live. Yesterday was the day. I packed all the bikes into the back of my FWD and went down to Trentham Memorial Park.

 

I re-assembled the bikes, strapped on the stupid bike helmets and off we went

 

 

 

Now I've been on a bike since I was about 4 or 5. Most of us in the Western (and Eastern) world know how to ride a bike. I haven't been on a bike for over 8 years, but I didn't even have to think about it, just jumped on and away I went. I went very slowly, allowing my beloved plenty of time to get used to her new conveyance.

 

I don't think I've ever seen a sight like it.

 

My beloved was in the grip of fear. She had forgotten how to steer, so I was gifted with the view of a lady of mature years, face frozen in a rictus of terror, legs extended stiffly and off the pedals veering madly (at about 2 kph) off the asphalt track onto the grass.

 

Over the next half-hour, I ignored the hoots of laughter from the gin-soaked members of the Trentham Cricket Club (TCC), who, sitting on their clubhouse deck, were being regaled by a continuous comedy of errors as my beloved:

 

• went around in circles for 5 minutes
• went off the path 12 times in 20 metres
• screamed at me to stop the bloody thing as she had forgotten how to use the brakes
• managed to strip the chain of the gears
• tried to stop the tricycle by running it into a bush
• smiled and waved at a passing pedestrian (he was overtaking us whilst walking his dog) and promptly steered into another bush (This one was the TCC favourite.  Two of the members fell of their chairs rolling about at this.  One actually fell off the deck, but I think he was pissed)
• forgot how to change gear when going uphill
• forgot (again) how to brake when going downhill

 

 

 

I was really proud of myself. I didn't flee. I didn't try to pretend that I didn't know her. I didn't even have a sign on my chest saying"She's not with me"

 

I exhibited great courage (and devotion) and stayed with my poor anxiety-ridden beloved as she struggled gamely to overcome the torture machine know as "The Red Trike"

 

 

 

Eventually she prevailed, and we continued on around the paths of this lovely park. We stayed on the flat, and mostly circled the cricket pitch and the reserve. I deliberately avoided the lovely path down by the Hutt river, I may be brave, but I'm not an idiot.

 

We're staying away from the river for the foreseeable future.
Look, I may look silly in one of these bloody bike helmets, but I'd look a complete f*cking idiot wearing a life jacket at the same time.

A complete f*cking idiot

 

ABC of England (Continued)

Says it all really

N:  Nobility.  Like M, part of a culture well past its sell-by date.  These prats keep the horrific class system going, by any means possible.  Don't underestimate them.. The originals were the most successful robbers and thieves of their time, grabbing a huge expanse of the country from the original inhabitants.  Can be recognised by the way they garble spoken English into an almost unintelligible mishmash of sounds.

O: Ovaltine.  England's greatest contribution to world culture (closely followed by Horlicks and the Spice Girls).  Bedtime without Ovaltine is unthinkable, and the Ovaltinies rendition of "We are the Ovaltinies" ranks up there with anything produced by Led Zepplin or Placido Domingo.

P: Picturesque.  Many of the small villages in the Cotswolds, the Yorkshire Dales and the West Country are so picturesque that in summer they are virtually unlivable due to the massive influx of foreign tourists.  It should be remembered that these pretty little cottages are responsible for the high death rate caused by consumption, asthma, cold and damp related diseases, fungal infections and rat carried bacteria and viruses.

Q:  Queen.  England's greatest ever rock band.  Fronted by an Englishman who was a Parsi, born in Zanzibar and raised in India, who had a ridiculous moustache and a penchant for wearing tight leather pants or woman's clothing and was a confused transsexual.  Typically English.

R:  Religion.  There are now more non-Christians actively attending places of worship in England than there are actively participating Christians.  This is a good thing, as the English seem to see the Church of England as some sort of social club, whose membership is to be desired, but attendance is not mandatory.  If you're going to be an illogical loony, at least be mad with some sort of commitment,

S:  Summer.  This is the time of year supposedly found between Spring and Autumn, when the sky is blue, the sun is shining, the air is warm and mild zephyrs waft gently though the rustling corn.  This is a fantasy.  Seasons in England can be differentiated by the temperature of the rain.  If the rain is solid (ice, hail, snow) then it's Winter, Spring or Autumn, but probably not Summer.  If the rain comes down so hard, in such large droplets that it causes all of the crops to lie flat and rivers to burst their banks, then it's probably Summer.

T:  Trains.  England (with Scottish help) invented the train and the Industrial Revolution, and promptly contributed these to the world at large.  Then it abandoned them.  The greatest, most efficient transport system in the world was methodically gutted, scrapped and finally privatised.  This last step at least had the advantage of stopping the production of British Rail food jokes.

Winner of the most beautiful woman in Brighton (1998)

U:  Ugly.  English women can be gorgeous, but these are the exception rather than the rule.  Most are really ugly. I suspect a whole variety of factors.  Bad food, bad climate, bad attitude and bad genes.  To be fair, the ugliest woman I've ever seen was in Australia, near Alice Springs.  She was of such brain-stopping horrendousness that at first I thought it was a trick of the light, and that it only looked like she was walking down the road with the decomposing remains of a dead possum draped around her shoulders where her head should be.

V:  Victoria.  Not the Queen from the 19th Century, but the sponge.  A great and underestimated delicacy. A featherlight confection of delicate, airy yet buttery cake, with a layer of strawberry jam and cream.  Perfect for a traditional high tea.

Religious Service in Sydney

W: Wicca.  England developed the best religion in the world.  Any form of worship which entails young women running around in their baby-suits is OK by me.  Once you add in woad-smeared bodies and fertility rites, you've got a world-beater.

X:  X-Ray.  Originally Röntgen Rays.  There is actually nothing of interest in England beginning with X.  Except maybe Hot Cross Buns.  These spicy soft rolls, containing currants, cinnamon and other spices, with a soft pastry X on the top are delicious when served warm with lashings of butter.


Y: Youth Culture.  Supposedly developed in the 70s, it took the premise that as there were more young (18 - 25) people buying clothes and spending money, then what they did was a separate culture and therefore must be good.  An objective examination of the fashion styles and haircuts of that era proves the fallacy of that premise.  An examination of current day "youth" fashion and hairstyles just makes me feel sick.

Z:  Zulu.  Best movie ever made in England.  It had it all.  Stiff-upper-lip English officer, Gruff but kindly Sar'nt Major (who was also a raving psychopath.  Every Army needs them) hordes of regional cannon-fodder (Welsh in this case, which is a bonus, so that can all sing as they slaughter) plus huge numbers of fuzzy-wuzzies who attack in the stupidest way possible against breech-loading rifles.  The final scene where the desperate British (Welsh actually, but the English are very clever in their ethnic description.  In any sporting event (cricket, rugby, WWII) if the group involved is of any ethnic group living in Britain, Scots, Irish, Welsh Cornish etc. then they are referred to as British.  If even one Englishman is involved, AND they win (or at least a glorious failure) then they are referred to as English.) stand off the attacking Zulus by forming three lines with their backs to the wall and giving controlled volley fire is absolute magic.  In my army days, just after I joined up, we had a mad English officer who did that with our platoon as a homage to Zulu during an exercise.  We all thought he was loony.  Volley fire with Self Loading Rifles?  His other chinless wonders (other officers) thought it was funny too.  Explains a lot about the Hooray Henry type of officer found in the Army in the 70s.


I hope from my Alphabetic list that you get the impression that I hate England.  I don't, some of my best friends are English, but there are certain traits, especially of the Southern variety that get up every Scot's nose.
Arrogance, ignorance and the bloody Southern accent.

A B C of England

England.  Smashed by the ABs .  Again

I hate to admit it, but I was reading one of my beloved's magazines. The English Woman's Weekly.

I needed something to read while I was communing with nature, and when I reached the last page, there was an article called the ABC of the UK. It was asinine, even more than the norm for these magazines, so I thought I'd have a go. 

A. Arseholes. England is filled with these, specially dominant in and around London

B. Bastards. Almost as many as arseholes.

C. Crap. All these arseholes produce vast amounts of crap. Mostly ends up on TV or in the National Gallery

D. Drunks. It is a part of the Law in England that all males between 15 and 23 drink a minimum 6 pints of beer on Friday and Saturday evening, turn into A and/or B and talk a load of C.

Drunks

E. Evensong. A religious observance which has changed slightly over the years. It is now the Ds, acting as A and B and trying to sing "Viva Espania" after 10pm.

F. Freedom. No longer exists in the UK, due to a massive influx of USA derived regulation regarding free speech, and the incredible number of CCTV cameras on every roof, street corner and Public Toilets.

G. Grass. The cool wet climate of the UK is ideal for growing grass (of the bovine fodder type), and the English, being a naturally boring people have perfected the technique of using this green stuff to make lawns. And talk about lawns. And spend all their waking moments caring for their lawns. And telling everyone how much work it is keeping it smooth and verdant.

Perfect (but boring) lawn

H. Hysteria. The UK press discovered Media Hysteria round about the time Diana was killed. Raving mindlessly about this pretty but brainless adjunct to a parasitical Royal family led to a "spontaneous" outpouring of emotion and grief from the "Great British Public". Complete bollocks, just used it to sell more newspapers.

I. Indian Restaurants. A generic description, which also covers Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and Sri Lankan restaurants and take-aways. There are more of these food outlets than in any other country. They are now embedded in the English culture, and a good thing too, as traditional English food is boring and mostly tasteless (Boiled beef and carrots?). A night out for D above is not complete without at least a Vindaloo or a Madras. Chundering afterwards is not mandatory, but is rarely avoided.

J. Jokes. The English believe that they invented humour, and that all other cultures have just tried to copy them.. They have a point. English humour is probably the most developed of all the humour sub-types. Germans only laugh when they invade somebody, French laugh, then retreat and wave a white flag, Americans do not understand Irony. Or English. And all Australian jokes are either about sheep or Kiwis.

Teacher Joke (Solve this problem)

K. Knackered. General description of England in the 21st Century. Knackered economy, knackered morals, knackered culture. Basically stuffed from start to finish

L. London. Huge, dirty, packed with every type and sub-type of just about every race on Earth. Great Museums and Art Galleries, but you couldn't pay me enough money to actually live there. Essential survival items are:

    a. An A-Z (street guide), because it's so bloody big, even the locals get lost, and the traffic is horrendous.

    b. A multi-lingual dictionary/phrase book. Because when you get lost, you'll need it to ask for directions as most of the locals don't speak English.

Royalty.  Adding class to Insane Asylums since 1255

M. Monarchy. These remnants of the Middle Ages are hanging on to their position of power and privilege by their fingernails. Most of their "subjects" want them gone. Lizzy is a consummate politician, but Phil the Greek is a racist plonker, Charlie is an eco-nut who talks to flowers and has a "thing" for older horse-faced women. The recent attempt to instil some sort of comeback using Prince William is doomed to failure. Nobody (apart from the Tabloids) really cares anymore.


N - Z will be posted as soon as I get the time.  Seeing I'm timetabling, arranging Junior Exams, setting up the reports, and contributing to an American web magazine, don't hold your breath.