ABC of England (Continued)

Says it all really

N:  Nobility.  Like M, part of a culture well past its sell-by date.  These prats keep the horrific class system going, by any means possible.  Don't underestimate them.. The originals were the most successful robbers and thieves of their time, grabbing a huge expanse of the country from the original inhabitants.  Can be recognised by the way they garble spoken English into an almost unintelligible mishmash of sounds.

O: Ovaltine.  England's greatest contribution to world culture (closely followed by Horlicks and the Spice Girls).  Bedtime without Ovaltine is unthinkable, and the Ovaltinies rendition of "We are the Ovaltinies" ranks up there with anything produced by Led Zepplin or Placido Domingo.

P: Picturesque.  Many of the small villages in the Cotswolds, the Yorkshire Dales and the West Country are so picturesque that in summer they are virtually unlivable due to the massive influx of foreign tourists.  It should be remembered that these pretty little cottages are responsible for the high death rate caused by consumption, asthma, cold and damp related diseases, fungal infections and rat carried bacteria and viruses.

Q:  Queen.  England's greatest ever rock band.  Fronted by an Englishman who was a Parsi, born in Zanzibar and raised in India, who had a ridiculous moustache and a penchant for wearing tight leather pants or woman's clothing and was a confused transsexual.  Typically English.

R:  Religion.  There are now more non-Christians actively attending places of worship in England than there are actively participating Christians.  This is a good thing, as the English seem to see the Church of England as some sort of social club, whose membership is to be desired, but attendance is not mandatory.  If you're going to be an illogical loony, at least be mad with some sort of commitment,

S:  Summer.  This is the time of year supposedly found between Spring and Autumn, when the sky is blue, the sun is shining, the air is warm and mild zephyrs waft gently though the rustling corn.  This is a fantasy.  Seasons in England can be differentiated by the temperature of the rain.  If the rain is solid (ice, hail, snow) then it's Winter, Spring or Autumn, but probably not Summer.  If the rain comes down so hard, in such large droplets that it causes all of the crops to lie flat and rivers to burst their banks, then it's probably Summer.

T:  Trains.  England (with Scottish help) invented the train and the Industrial Revolution, and promptly contributed these to the world at large.  Then it abandoned them.  The greatest, most efficient transport system in the world was methodically gutted, scrapped and finally privatised.  This last step at least had the advantage of stopping the production of British Rail food jokes.

Winner of the most beautiful woman in Brighton (1998)

U:  Ugly.  English women can be gorgeous, but these are the exception rather than the rule.  Most are really ugly. I suspect a whole variety of factors.  Bad food, bad climate, bad attitude and bad genes.  To be fair, the ugliest woman I've ever seen was in Australia, near Alice Springs.  She was of such brain-stopping horrendousness that at first I thought it was a trick of the light, and that it only looked like she was walking down the road with the decomposing remains of a dead possum draped around her shoulders where her head should be.

V:  Victoria.  Not the Queen from the 19th Century, but the sponge.  A great and underestimated delicacy. A featherlight confection of delicate, airy yet buttery cake, with a layer of strawberry jam and cream.  Perfect for a traditional high tea.

Religious Service in Sydney

W: Wicca.  England developed the best religion in the world.  Any form of worship which entails young women running around in their baby-suits is OK by me.  Once you add in woad-smeared bodies and fertility rites, you've got a world-beater.

X:  X-Ray.  Originally Röntgen Rays.  There is actually nothing of interest in England beginning with X.  Except maybe Hot Cross Buns.  These spicy soft rolls, containing currants, cinnamon and other spices, with a soft pastry X on the top are delicious when served warm with lashings of butter.


Y: Youth Culture.  Supposedly developed in the 70s, it took the premise that as there were more young (18 - 25) people buying clothes and spending money, then what they did was a separate culture and therefore must be good.  An objective examination of the fashion styles and haircuts of that era proves the fallacy of that premise.  An examination of current day "youth" fashion and hairstyles just makes me feel sick.

Z:  Zulu.  Best movie ever made in England.  It had it all.  Stiff-upper-lip English officer, Gruff but kindly Sar'nt Major (who was also a raving psychopath.  Every Army needs them) hordes of regional cannon-fodder (Welsh in this case, which is a bonus, so that can all sing as they slaughter) plus huge numbers of fuzzy-wuzzies who attack in the stupidest way possible against breech-loading rifles.  The final scene where the desperate British (Welsh actually, but the English are very clever in their ethnic description.  In any sporting event (cricket, rugby, WWII) if the group involved is of any ethnic group living in Britain, Scots, Irish, Welsh Cornish etc. then they are referred to as British.  If even one Englishman is involved, AND they win (or at least a glorious failure) then they are referred to as English.) stand off the attacking Zulus by forming three lines with their backs to the wall and giving controlled volley fire is absolute magic.  In my army days, just after I joined up, we had a mad English officer who did that with our platoon as a homage to Zulu during an exercise.  We all thought he was loony.  Volley fire with Self Loading Rifles?  His other chinless wonders (other officers) thought it was funny too.  Explains a lot about the Hooray Henry type of officer found in the Army in the 70s.


I hope from my Alphabetic list that you get the impression that I hate England.  I don't, some of my best friends are English, but there are certain traits, especially of the Southern variety that get up every Scot's nose.
Arrogance, ignorance and the bloody Southern accent.

A B C of England

England.  Smashed by the ABs .  Again

I hate to admit it, but I was reading one of my beloved's magazines. The English Woman's Weekly.

I needed something to read while I was communing with nature, and when I reached the last page, there was an article called the ABC of the UK. It was asinine, even more than the norm for these magazines, so I thought I'd have a go. 

A. Arseholes. England is filled with these, specially dominant in and around London

B. Bastards. Almost as many as arseholes.

C. Crap. All these arseholes produce vast amounts of crap. Mostly ends up on TV or in the National Gallery

D. Drunks. It is a part of the Law in England that all males between 15 and 23 drink a minimum 6 pints of beer on Friday and Saturday evening, turn into A and/or B and talk a load of C.

Drunks

E. Evensong. A religious observance which has changed slightly over the years. It is now the Ds, acting as A and B and trying to sing "Viva Espania" after 10pm.

F. Freedom. No longer exists in the UK, due to a massive influx of USA derived regulation regarding free speech, and the incredible number of CCTV cameras on every roof, street corner and Public Toilets.

G. Grass. The cool wet climate of the UK is ideal for growing grass (of the bovine fodder type), and the English, being a naturally boring people have perfected the technique of using this green stuff to make lawns. And talk about lawns. And spend all their waking moments caring for their lawns. And telling everyone how much work it is keeping it smooth and verdant.

Perfect (but boring) lawn

H. Hysteria. The UK press discovered Media Hysteria round about the time Diana was killed. Raving mindlessly about this pretty but brainless adjunct to a parasitical Royal family led to a "spontaneous" outpouring of emotion and grief from the "Great British Public". Complete bollocks, just used it to sell more newspapers.

I. Indian Restaurants. A generic description, which also covers Pakistani, Bangladeshi, and Sri Lankan restaurants and take-aways. There are more of these food outlets than in any other country. They are now embedded in the English culture, and a good thing too, as traditional English food is boring and mostly tasteless (Boiled beef and carrots?). A night out for D above is not complete without at least a Vindaloo or a Madras. Chundering afterwards is not mandatory, but is rarely avoided.

J. Jokes. The English believe that they invented humour, and that all other cultures have just tried to copy them.. They have a point. English humour is probably the most developed of all the humour sub-types. Germans only laugh when they invade somebody, French laugh, then retreat and wave a white flag, Americans do not understand Irony. Or English. And all Australian jokes are either about sheep or Kiwis.

Teacher Joke (Solve this problem)

K. Knackered. General description of England in the 21st Century. Knackered economy, knackered morals, knackered culture. Basically stuffed from start to finish

L. London. Huge, dirty, packed with every type and sub-type of just about every race on Earth. Great Museums and Art Galleries, but you couldn't pay me enough money to actually live there. Essential survival items are:

    a. An A-Z (street guide), because it's so bloody big, even the locals get lost, and the traffic is horrendous.

    b. A multi-lingual dictionary/phrase book. Because when you get lost, you'll need it to ask for directions as most of the locals don't speak English.

Royalty.  Adding class to Insane Asylums since 1255

M. Monarchy. These remnants of the Middle Ages are hanging on to their position of power and privilege by their fingernails. Most of their "subjects" want them gone. Lizzy is a consummate politician, but Phil the Greek is a racist plonker, Charlie is an eco-nut who talks to flowers and has a "thing" for older horse-faced women. The recent attempt to instil some sort of comeback using Prince William is doomed to failure. Nobody (apart from the Tabloids) really cares anymore.


N - Z will be posted as soon as I get the time.  Seeing I'm timetabling, arranging Junior Exams, setting up the reports, and contributing to an American web magazine, don't hold your breath.