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Monday, 7 February 2011

Drunken Women

We've just had the IRB 7s in Wellington, with a lot of good games and an excellent result for NZ, winning the Cup.  Especially as they beat England.  We were in Wellington earlier on Saturday, and there was a great atmosphere as the participants milled about in their costumes, everyone seemed very happy, and slightly boozed-up.
The police reported that there wasn't much trouble until after the matches had finished, when they were inundated by packs of drunken WOMEN.

Oh yes, it was the fairer sex which got completely legless and abusive, and this was reported in the press with some element of surprise.

Why surprise?

Any bloke knows that it is our bounden duty to keep the flow of drink towards our ladies under strict control.  They seem to lose all dignity, self-respect and any sense of propriety or control when the influence of the Demon Drink hits their little brains.
Anyone who has worked behind a bar knows how much more dangerous (and surprisingly stimulating) two women fighting are compared to two blokes having a go.  There isn't any restraint, anything goes.  Nails, teeth, fists and feet, they use the lot.  The image of an ineffectually swung handbag is pure fantasy.  These ladies go for the jugular.

Now this is a pleasant change.

For years, feminists and politicians of a liberal and greenie persuasion have been berating us blokes as neanderthal throwbacks.  All blokes are obviously vicious thugs, who resort to violence at the first opportunity, and it would be a much better world if they could quickly and painlessly remove our balls.  (They don't actually say that last bit, but it's obvious in the sub-text of their ranting press releases)

The thing is that guys are taught from an early age to show some restraint in physical violence.  We know that we're intrinsically much stronger than most females, and we learn to control our urge to tear someone's head off, or gouge out their eyeballs, or dislocate shoulders or knees.  We keep that sort of thing for League, not down the pub or walking home.

Our lovely ladies have never had such training.  There sensitive and growing years were spent dressing/undressing dolls, having tea parties with their favourite stuffed animals, changing the nappies on their baby-dolls and applying makeup to their innocent little faces. 

Actually a Spitfire IIb, not a IIIa
They weren't fighting the Afrika Corps at Tobruk, or having a shoot-out with the Sioux, or fighting off the Luftwaffe single handedly in a Spitfire Mk III.  Boys learned to control our physicality.  We learned that burying a tomahawk in little Johnnie's skull was frowned upon by both mates and screaming adults, and such an event was not to be repeated. (Unless the little snivelling bastard retaliated with the BB gun his big brother had, then all bets were off)
The lessons assimilated into our psyches at such an early age, are still present, even when a bloke's had a skinful.

Not so for our lovely ladies.  The early training can be observed as the girls get pissed.  A tendency to take of their clothes (dressing/undressing dolls), insisting that everyone get another drink (having tea parties with their favourite stuffed animals), repeatedly going to the loo (changing the nappies on their baby-dolls and applying makeup to their innocent little faces).
But because they've never had the basic training in controlling their fighting instincts, de-inhibition by excessive alcohol levels results in a no-holds-barred type of physical assault which leaves most blokes feeling sick.
It makes us even sicker if we get in their way.  Guys KNOW that kicking/kneeing some other bloke in the goolies is not right, we would only do it in a life or death situation.  Not our lovely little ladies.  That's why our police dread trying to take in drunken girls, they have no such inhibitions, and regularly try to put said areas of male anatomy into a low earth orbit via knee, fist, foot or even (God forbid) teeth.

Maybe they should pass a national law, keeping all women to a maximum of 1 pint of Shandy per day.

You know it makes sense.


  1. Why do I feel like you have just lobbed a hand-grenade into the collective laps of us chaps and then run out the back door. Commenting on this post is going to be dangerous whichever position is taken. Perhaps the safest is to pander to the preconceptions of all the wimmin and just say "yes I agree, it is surprisingly stimulating to see two women fighting ".

  2. I'm really chewin' hard on my carrot tonight!

  3. That's a great idea - limit them to one shandy - it would mean lots more for us and no arguments about who's turn it was to drive home.....

    Maybe we could also prevent them from ripping too much clothing by making it law that they have to go out in bikinis at all times.......and maybe an official safe fight area like a ring filled with mud n stuff.

    near the bar of course.....

    Actually that's all tongue n cheek and The Curmudgeon is right. You're going to get us in trouble over this one.

  4. Having recently witnessed a young woman out with NO PANTS ON under her tiny-teeny frock, I am left wondering whether THIS is what women struggled to gain emancipation for.

    Did women burn their bras so that girls could go out without knickers? Did they chain themselves to lamposts so that many years later young women could drunkenly vomit up them (lamposts, not Suffragettes).

    Oh dear, my comment has come out a bit po-faced! Sorry TWB!

    Ali x

  5. The Curmudgeon, what a lovely coward you are. Mind you I'd probably say the same, except I KNOW my beloved doesn't read this.

    At least I’m pretty sure she doesn't read this.

    OH MY GOD I'm dead if she reads this..........Where's the bloody delete button when you want it?

    Bunny: go and eat some grass.

    Alistair: Your fantasies are getting a little too substantial. I hope your Lady G doesn't read this....Especially about the bit about mud and bikinis.

    Ali: I did see your post on the topic; it actually triggered my post, because I remembered yours when I saw the tipsy ladies in Wellington. All, however had their modesty suitably protected. You only get that type of behaviour in Scotland and England. Unfortunately.

    I like the TWB. I think I prefer it to TSB.


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