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Monday, 18 June 2012

More Bloody Reports

So, you admit you used the word "AND" twice in one sentence?
When will this torture cease?

At Nuova Lazio High School, we're moving onto the Senior Reports, and stress levels have reached new peaks.

For the first time since I've been here, the management have agreed to have a whole school meeting to discuss the entire stuffed-up system.  I just hope that real truths will be told, or if we'll go back to weak-assed euphemisms, "Could do Better"

Could do Better?

Words fail me.  At least words that I would wish to use on a (mostly) family oriented blog.

Oh stuff it. 


Some harsh language is going to be used.
If you do not wish to be shocked, horrified or scared please read the rest through slitted eyes, and ignore any bad words.  (Not bad grammar, syntax or spelling, because there is none.  We've been thoroughly trained in the eradication of these foul dangers to civilisation as we know it.  Did you know that the improper use of a semi-colon can cause blindness, dementia and hair growth on the palm of a hand?)

I have never seen a balls-up like it.

In all my years in the Army, I've seen SNAFUs, SUSFUs, TARFUs, and FUBARs.  Some of those were verging on the apocalyptic.  I've seen 10 tonne trucks trying to fly, water towers suddenly collapse, demolition of approx. 4000 tons of mud ending up with the biggest quagmire since the Somme.

I've seen the most dangerous thing in the Army, a second lieutenant with a map, lead a section of troops into the woods in Germany, and emerge shaken and starving 3 ½ days later, which was a bit of a surprise to me (as their Troop Commander), my Battery Commander, the Regimental Commander and the RSM, because they were only supposed to be gone for 2 hours.  We ended up having about 200 soldiers and a helicopter looking for them.

With all due respect Sir, that ain't f*ckin' NORTH

I’ve been in a riot in a Hamburg strip club ( a very drunk and angry Jock (a Scottish soldier) complained in a very loud voice that he couldn’t  see the rather large and gaily swinging breasts of the “young” lady on the stage because the stupid f*cking Para (a gentleman who is a member of the parachute regiment) in front of him kept on f*cking standing up. 

Hey Sarge, which one's the enemy?
[In a quick aside, I will say that I have never heard anyone in the world use such terrible language with such a fierce, almost poetic flow as a drunken Jock, especially if he came from Glasgow.  There’s something in the use of the Glaswegian glottal stop which adds to the sheer majesty of the language.]

Anyway, the Para objected to being called a “big f*cking fairy with an arse as big as the Queen f*cking Mary and a face like a c*nt chewing a lemon” (notice the use of an unconscious rhyme here, sheer poetic delight) and threw the Jock (now unconscious) onto the stage where he collided with the performer.  The bouncers interpreted this as an attack on their artiste and began to kick the poor Scot.  His fellows in the audience (I would estimate about half a company) fell upon the bouncers with cries of “We remember El Alamein you f*cking Huns” and “Achtung Spitfeur!" (Obviously an aficionado of the Commando Comics school of German).  The other half, being actually sober enough to have noticed that it was the Para who had "gubbed" their mate turned upon the Para and his mates, with cries of "Remember Arnhem, you big f*ckin' poofter" (Nobody said fighting cries had to make much sense)

The next half hour, until the MPs and the German cops arrived was a bewildering image of chaos incarnate, and was the closest I have seen to a visual representation of the utter f*cking balls-up which is our reports system.

So for the next week, we'll have Frantic Form Teachers, Desperate Deans and Muddled Managers, all trying to get things finished for Friday, which is the final deadline.

As a final pointer to the utter f*cking balls-up which is our reports system, the meeting we were promised to discuss the utter f*cking balls-up which is our reports system has been cancelled.

Right Ringo, what the f*ck have you done to our system?

I suspect that Ringo and Pompous were concerned that the irate staff would rise up and lynch them, and that the Principal was concerned that we'd get blood on his nice new carpet.

OK Pompous, why didn't you meet the deadlines for printing?

Just two weeks to go until we get free of this place.

And just to add the final f*cking icing on the f*cking cake, I've just found out that the last week of term is to be a f*cking MUFTI WEEK.  When all of our little angels can wear whatever they bloody want, in the spirit of "SPIRIT WEEK", the meaning of, and purpose of which (in terms of Teaching and Learning, which is why we're supposed to be here in the first f*cking place)  I've never been clear.

I wonder if there's a safer, saner job somewhere out there.

Maybe mine clearing in Zimbabwe?

On second thoughts, perhaps not.


  1. I wonder when happy hour starts in Zimbabwe?

    1. It doesn't.
      It's against the "law" to be happy or to show happiness in Zimbabwe.

    2. Really? I might warm to the ZANU-PF after all

  2. Mufti week?? That's what I take from that. Are you kidding me? That is rediculous...goodbye to an entire week of normal unnormalness - cue new level of unnormalness.

    1. Yep...I was gobsmacked. It's like giving a licence to act like a bunch of complete hooligans for 5 bloody days.

      What's the bloody point?

      Mind you, we get to see all the youngsters dressed like little tarts, and freezing in the icy winds of Nuova Lazio.

      Style over comfort...they never learn.

    2. Tarts Vs Gangstas. We have ours in baggy trackpants and hoodies and sunhats. mufti days so far this year...touch wood! It's amazing!

    3. Have no fear...your time will come.

    4. Why not just call it the Hoods and Hookers week? Reminds me of when I was a young lady and me and my mates would attend student theme parties. Hoods and Hookers was a popular theme along with the traditional and not to be missed Toga Parties. Good days. Pissed days.
      Hungover Sundays. Too long ago now!
      Nowdays it's just mufit week. Whateve happenned to good old Blue Jeans, Tee Shirts or Sweaters (Depending on the season)????

    5. Why not just ban all bloody Mufti days.

      I mean what's the point.

      We may as well run a Vicars and Tarts day, then maybe I could come as a Satanic Priest, hold a Black mass and sacrifice one or two scrotes "pour encourager les autres"

    6. Yeah great idea TSB.

    7. I had a friend who was a raw science teacher in a co-ed secondary in Kent - he had real issues with mufti days - he was 22 and girls of 16 can be so bloody obvious and cruel at the same time

    8. Ah yes...the problem of nubile young ladies, wearing next to nothing on cold days...we like to call them the only perqs teachers get.

  3. Not dressing in uniform can cause that much disruption? Some public schools in the US are flirting with the idea of uniforms, but for most, every week is mufti week.

    1. It's the change of routine that really gets the kids going.

      Kids are strange, they want new things and experiences, but they also don't want anything to change their normal routine.

      Our other problem is that because we're normally a uniform school, when we go Mufti, there's not an easy way to tell if non-students come flooding in to pursue their hobbies.

      Like selling drugs.

    2. Yep. That's exactly why many local High schools have bought back uniform for Year 13's. Not at our school though. But Year 13's dress just like uni students I find. I did have an extra in a year 13 class though a few weeks back. I spent most of the period trying to expel him from my class and he arguing why he wanted to stay and how he had adopted me as his teacher. It was rather embarrassing when he did finally go though and gave us all a good flash of his undies. Weird child!

    3. More than weird, probably a future MP.

    4. Yeah that or our next Super Hero perhaps?
      With a name like Hamish, I seriously doubt either options though. That is name I would only consider good for a doggie.

    5. Or a Hamster.

      We used to have one as a pet when I was still at school.

      Hamish the Hamster.

  4. Will 'mufti' apply to teachers as well?
    What will Richard (of RBB) wear instead of his grey shirt or his chequered one?

    1. I thought that Ricahrd [of RBB] has bet Hobbit that he'd be coming in a pink tutu.

      For values of coming.

  5. Look, I wear the same clothes every day. I don't need to dress like a parrot, or wear jeans on teacher only days. I have a Richard (of RBB) outfit that suffices for any occasion. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

    1. There's no need to be so sensitive Duckie.

    2. Our boss lady won't even let us staff wear jeans on mufti days. There is a cruel double standard. MAybe you guys should consdier wearing a school uniform on mufti days. TSB and RBB would look just great dressed as Angus from AC/DC.

    3. No jeans?
      That's cruel.

      I perhaps could dress up as Angus Ogg?

  6. And look at you! A deadline looming and you still find time to throw up a much better than average post! You have superhuman abilities.

    1. Thanks TUB, *looks down in slightly flustered embarrasment and rubs fingernails on front of cardigan* I try.
      The real reason is that I'm a bit of a control freak. If I have a deadline looming, I start working towards it as far in advance as I can. My deadline for completing my report comments and grades was Friday. I had them finished the Monday before, but yes, I must admit it, I do have superhuman abilities.

      I've managed to stop myself throttling Ringo on multiple occasions

  7. Isn't it time to dig out that SLR you must have lurking somewhere?

    You only live once TSB. Might as well do it in a Ringo free environment.

  8. Oh Alistair, you don't know how many times I've been tempted.

    Some days I just sit in the garage stroking the warm oiled wood, the blued barrel, the magazine reciever.

    Just working the action fills me with a strange and terrible longing...Excuse me, I have to stop commenting and head off for a cold shower.

  9. I could comment on the mufti day and how at our son's school they have to pay a quid to wear non-uniform: lazy way of the school raising money for charity. But I won't talk about that as I'm reading the lovely Scottish poetry.

    1. Actually our kids are supposed to pay a "gold coin", either a $1 or a $2 coin for the priveledge of not wearing uniform...about 40% dodge out of paying.

      What Scottish Poetry?
      is it
      “big f*cking fairy
      with an arse as big as the Queen f*cking Mary
      and a face like a c*nt chewing a lemon”

      Blissful, isn't it?

  10. That scrap in Hamburg sounds epic! "Mentioning the war" indeed!

    I don't like MUFTI days either... most pupils at my girls' school interpret the theme as "Chavs and Yobs".

    1. It was, and I toned down the language for the blog. Chavs. What a strange word. It didn't exist when I was a schoolkid, and as far as I'm aware, it still isn't used North of the border. We still use "neds" as a general descriptor of the little gobshites.

      But yes, most of our kids dress up as "ladies of negotiable virtue" and Gangstas.


    2. Yeah like I said before - Hookers and Hoods.
      It's the same at our High School. I hope weren't having one before the end of the term.
      Have had a few already. A few too many actually.

    3. BTW Nicola is coming home very soon. She's being deported. Check out her post. (Yes she done a post for the first itme in 6 bloody months!!).

    4. Bloody hell, I wonder what she's done.

      Maybe she mentioned that the Jubilee was a waste of time and money.


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