I'm odd.
No, no, please don't laugh, I'm serious.
I'm odd.
I've inherited a genetic trait from my Dad that has an odd effect.
There's a part of my anatomy which has a rather peculiar shape compared to the norm, and is also quite a lot bigger than the average.
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| Oh My God, it's so big! |
Now before you collapse in sheer shock, please be assured that I will never write anything that is completely disgusting (apart from Tales Of the Ringed One) so you can read on with confidence.
I'm now on the third day of our much-needed holiday from Nuova Lazio High School, and I'm afraid I've been rather busy. Too busy to do much blogging at all, and it's all because of my genetic oddity.
My Beloved (I've returned her to capitalization for services received) has been teaching me things. Hidden secrets all related to my genetic oddity.
Some of these skills are passed down from Mother to Daughter, and I've never been introduced to them before, so it was all a bit shocking, and it's all to do with...socks.
On Saturday morning I mentioned to my Beloved that all of my thick woolen socks had holes in the toes, and I asked her to darn them for me.
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| So annoying. |
After she had stopped laughing she explained that she didn't do darning anymore, but would be happy to teach me if I felt so strongly about the matter.
I agreed to accept the instruction because I had at least 6 pairs of lovely warm socks, essential to survival in chilly Nuova Lazio, with holes in the toes, and I was a Scot, and I wasn't prepared to throw away things that were 98% OK, just because of a few holes.
The reason I had so many holes was related to the genetic oddity. My big toes are extra long, with hardened toenails that I would bet would cut through glass.
So I learned the esoteric and secret art of Darning Socks.
Nothing to it, so I am now in possession of 6 pairs of functional socks again.
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| See! Easy-Peasy. |
I had just taken the photos for this post when I noticed that my dressing gown had fallen from the peg behind the bathroom door. As I picked it up to put it back, I noticed that there was something else hanging on the peg.
It was black.
It was flimsy.
It had sequins on it.
Dear God, was this some piece of feminine attire that my Beloved had left as some sort of signal the "Special Services" would be required?
I broke out in a cold sweat.
My hands began to shake in both fear and anticipation, so I was extremely releaved to discover that on further examination the black sequined thing turned out to be:
Afternoon TSB.
ReplyDeleteAfternoon Richard. Nice with no kids, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteDarning was always intended to be women's work. Snap yourself out of it man!
ReplyDeleteSeeing that you don't even know what real work is, just b*gger off you big pansy. I wouldn't talk about women's work while dressed in a big flowing robes and sandals.
DeleteInstead of the Sermon on the Mount, it would have helped if you'd laid down a few of these laws about "home economics" in stone. Or was that Moses' thing?
DeleteHee Hee, I like th idea of The 10 Commandments of Home Economics.
DeleteSomething like:
1. Thou shalt not eat of the raw chicken, because it will cause the world to fall out of your bottom.
2. Thou shalt choose carpets that don't show the dirt so much. Cursed are they with white carpets.
DeleteOn a serious note, I always assumed the bit in Leviticus about not eating seafood was a fairly sensible for desert people living several days travel from the nearest sea. I can't imagine that a pint of whelks would be very fresh by the time they reach the pub in Bethlehem.
DeleteAh, the dreaded curse of the White Carpets...only seems to atrike young inexperienced couples. I prefer the multicoloured patchwork approach. Regurgitated milk is such a strange colour to match.
DeleteAs regards the serious note, I quite agree. Eating crab in the desert was also probably lethal.
DeleteI never did agree with "Shall not Covet"
If you can't covet, you won't have motive to advance.
Epic.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I was tired and nothing's happening.
DeleteI know, I'll do a post about paint drying next time.
There's a school of thought which postulates that everything is inherently interesting if you delve into it deeply enough.
DeleteWhat?
DeleteEven Scientology?
I guess Scientology is interesting in this sense. It was set up by the science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard as a cynical way to avoid taxes and prove the stupidity of other people and how gullible people actually are. Obviously he succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.
DeleteTo quote T.P.Barnum:"There's a sucker born every minute" Which is quite a depressing philosophy to choose as a guide through life, but it's distressingly realistic.
DeleteDarn - what an exciting life you lead.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought mine was bad.........
{chuckle}
I know. It's so exciting that I can't stop yawning.
DeleteAnd, of course, you reached for the first coloured thread you could find. Obviously, lesson 2 needs to be delivered by your beloved - colour co-ordination. How remiss of her. This links nicely into my post on leaving a man in charge (as illustrated by my hubs attempt at wedding photogaphy)! I suppose nobody is going to see them, only half the blogging world, and at least she didn't have to do it herself :-)
ReplyDeleteJob done!
X
I get your point, but as you say, who'll see them.
DeleteExcept...
In NZ, it's quite frequently expected that you remove your shoes before entering a building, like a Marae, or someone's house; then I can display my glorious multicoloured repairs to all and sundry.
And when asked, I can pointedly say that I had to do it myself *sobs into hankie* because my Beloved wouldn't.
Job Done.
I do a lot of mending of clothes too. Especially for my girls. Holes in favourite jerseys or jeans epecially and fallen hems and missing buttons. Have not darned for a long time. Leanrt how at Girl Guides though. Seem to recall having to do it for some badge. It's mamazing htere is'nt a NZQA standard for it really. Now that would be useful.
ReplyDelete2 credits for darning TSB's socks. Can you imagine it?
VG: We're remnants of an earlier, self-sufficient age.
DeleteThere probably is a Unit Standard somewhere;
US2344451 "Creation of textiles using native Wool"
Level 2, 3 Credits.
BTW, Anyone darning my socks had better make sure that they have been washed first. Or be thoroughly innoculated.
Oh my... I thought it was getting a bit racy there for a minute.
ReplyDeleteWhile we're on the subject of our little bodily peculiarities, my lef big toe points to ten o'clock (arthritis--bloody hell I'm only 48) and my socks suffer a bit because the edge of my toenail makes an angle and wears a hole. I need tiny little leather patches.
I was going that way, but decided no, I still want to stay on the NZ Teaching Council Register.
DeleteI just love the idea of you sitting in bed, sorry, your Futon-thing, and by the guttering light of a candle, sewing on tiny little crescent-shaped leather patches on the ends of your socks.
It all feels terribly Dickensian for some reason, whcih would fit in with your current project n'est ce pas?
So it would, although I'm not sure what my new amour would say if I seductively kicked off my shoes, to present her with feet clad in socks with little leather patches sewn in.
ReplyDeleteI think she'd say:
Delete"Aww, cute!, let me nibble them"
Ah, Eye covers...I guess a bit of bondage is on the addenda then...good luck with that.
ReplyDeleteI dont darn,in fact I thought it was a lost art. Instead I took a page from Albert Einsteins book, I buy short business socks in black only. Only in black and always the same style, that way when I get a blowout I throw the sock out and the odd one becomes a spare for the other 30 or so short black socks.
Great idea about the black socks, but only one problem for me.
DeleteI don't buy my socks, my Beloved buys my socks, underwear, shirts, trousers and ties. I'm allowed to express a mild preference for pullovers, but even that is limited.
She actually threw out my favourite 1980s vintage electric blue and lurex V neck cardigan because it was "tasteless".
I ask you.
Eh, sorry to dissapoint, but the eye mask is to help her sleep if it gets too bright.
The only sign of bondage in chez TSB is the invisible noose around my neck.
I've learned how to hand knit socks . . . and keep any left over wool to darn "toe-nail holes" with matching wool. Perfect
ReplyDeleteThat's a great idea, but I don't think that I'll learn to knit at my time of life.
DeleteI know, I'll send you my measurements, including the "odd" bit.
I have to say there is something quite rewarding in fixing something and extending it's useful life in todays' throw away, disposable society. Is this the inner surgeon that resides within us I wonder?
ReplyDeleteIt is useful, but being a Scot, I'm not sure if I have an inner surgeon, but I do know I've got an inner miser...darning is cheaper than buying new socks.
DeleteI heard probably the most useless thing in the world the other day on CBC radio. A woman was explaining to the host of the call-in show how to darn socks using a light bulb to stretch them over. She described each step in excruciating detail. It was so horribly boring I couldn't change the station. It wasn't the light bulb that struck me as odd (though trying to use one of the little corkscrew CFL bulbs probably wouldn't work) it was the whole concept of trying to explain how to darn entirely verbally with no example to look at.
ReplyDeleteI was considering a detailed a step-by-step approach with illustrative images, but then I thought better of it. Nice idea about the light bulb. I wonder if it was switched on while she did it?
DeleteThe idea of explaining it by text or the spoken word is as bad as trying to explain how to tie a man's tie without an pictures.
Wow, I'm impressed with the CBC for putting her on the air. Darning is a lost art, although it definitely helps to have a visual to explain it.
DeleteI wonder if it was one of those 3am fill-ins, when few are listening.
DeleteI didn't find it particularly difficult, but I must admit that I'll take YONKS' advice next time and try for a better colour match. The tension was wrong as well, so the toe of the sock ended up a funny shape.
make do and mend..... it's the new spend spend spend!!
ReplyDeleteYaH, I'm a Scot...we don't do spend, spend, spend. Ever. Except buying the booze on Hogmanay.
DeleteI suppose we've worked our way through all the "darn socks!" jokes as I'm a bit late here.
ReplyDeleteBeing a quarter Scot myself, I have quite a few darned items myself. Adds a bit of charm, I think, to have articles that have seen some service.
Pearl
Well done Pearl, no one has made a "Darn socks" joke, you're the first.
DeleteHave a gold star on me.
I agree, darned items have character and well done on being a quarter Scot
You've got Morton's toe, TSB, and so do I and 2 of my friends. They used to say it meant royalty, but it's actually to do with Neanderthals. One and the same, to me.
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I'm not the only thrifty one left in the world!
Happy vacation!
I plan to enjoy my Holiday Austan, so thanks. Actually, I'm just beginning to get a little bit bored.
DeleteNeanderthal Toe? Sounds like a fungus infection.
Can you scratch your face with your big toe? Not many humans can do it, but you may be one of the lucky ones. I can play with recorder with my toes.
ReplyDeleteHi Gorilla Bananas, thanks for visiting and leaving a comment (I think)
DeleteNo, I cannot scratch my face with my big toe.
Wll you know, I've never really tried to do so before, so in the name of scientific curiosity I'll try now.
*Removes slipper*
*Removes sock*
*Admires darning*
*Gags on smell coming rom sock*
*forces foot towards face*
*suffers pain*
*falls out of chair, injuring back and mouse (it fell of my computer desk when my left leg went into spasm)
*Phones lawyer to seek damages from Gorilla Bananas for mentioning such a stupid idea in the first place*
*drinks restorative whisky*
Keep on trying, you just need to loosen up the muscles in the hamstring and groin areas.
DeleteThanks for the advice, but just stay away from my groin, OK?
DeleteI wish I could darn - I've tried but generally a disaster area...
ReplyDeletePractice makes perfect.
DeleteWhen I saw that I thought "I want an explanation!"
ReplyDelete