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Wednesday, 31 July 2013

The Strange Scotsman (Part the Second)


He wasn't quite as strange as this, but close.



As I mentioned in Part 1, I am responsible for the relief teachers at Nuova Lazio High School, which means amongst other things, that I have to recruit, retain, train, protect and organise a smallish team of mugs dedicated professionals who I use to cover the classes of the wimps poor sick teachers who have had to skive be absent for various reasons.


Get up and back to work you skiving bast*rd


Recruitment is actually quite a problem.

Various ex-teachers can sometimes be induced to return on a part-time and intermittent basis to the living hell we call the modern classroom, (ex-Clive amongst them), but most never wish to see a whiteboard again.  For some of these poor benighted souls, the sight of a whiteboard can reduce them to gibbering, screaming wrecks, and in some extreme cases, they have been known to become allergic to chalk, the colour white and especially the mention of the word "Pedagogy".

You mentioned Pedagogy you, you bloody pedagogue

To make up the numbers required, which can vary from 3 to as many as 14 per day, I urge my colleagues to persuade any non-employed teachers they may know.  Some lucky poor, newly qualified teachers are pretty anxious to start practising the esoteric skills they have laboriously attained in their teaching practises and schools of education, and they can often be kidnapped horns waggled induced to go onto my relieving teacher list.

I NEED THE MONEY...Please let me be a reliever at NLHS


Sometimes I get phone calls or emails from prospective relievers, who want to see the school first and observe the rabid animals pupils at close quarters before they actually start, and some even do, after I give them back their white sticks, walking frames or hearing aids. 


Very occasionally, I get a drop-in.  Someone who just decides that they'd like to experience the unalloyed hell joy of relief teaching at first hand.

Over the years I've had some really strange drop-ins.

I had an ex-psychiatric nurse, not trained as a teacher in anyway, but who thought it wouldn't be too dissimilar to his previous experience, and he was probably right.  I know he'd feel right at home in the staffroom, but probably he'd be a bit out of his depth in an actual classroom.

He was either a psychiatric nurse or a nurse in psychiatric care...whatever


I should point out that I have very strict criteria applying to these prospective relievers.
They must:


  • Be actually breathing
  • Be able to distinguish light from dark
  • Not jump at loud noises
  • Have a vague idea that all these small (I use this word advisedly, some of our Samoan boys can in no way be described as small, for any value of small smaller than a bull elephant) people are what we professionals call "children"
  • Be in possession of a New Zealand Teaching Council (NZTC) Registration.

This last point is quite important.



Firstly it means that if I check that the registration is current and valid, I am no longer responsible if the holder of the said registration is a convicted child murderer, notorious pervert or even not quite human.

She's a teacher.  Seems safe enough to me.


To get a NZTC registration, the holder has to convince the NZTC that they are "qualified" and have no criminal history or other unsavoury previous which would put our little kiddies at risk.

So I carefully check every applicant in this regard, especially as my job is at risk if I don't.

Then this rather strange Scotsman wandered in.

Bugger, I have to stop and set relief for tomorrow.  More later.....

34 comments:

  1. Actually I met the chap, but I won't give anything away.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You seem to have a worthwhile and fulfilling occupation. Does the bikini have to blue or can teachers use their own colour coding?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's certainly worthwhile, at least financially. Colours are optional, although transparent is frowned upon.

      Delete
  3. I imagine that various ex-teachers are best induced with a large cash injection. Correct?

    So if you were, say, a vampire, you would be immediately disqualified? Doesn't seem fair to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I admit that it's probably the cash that brings hem back in.

      Why on earth would I reject a vampire?

      He/She'd be great for the job. They don't get sick, they'd be able to scare the sh*t out of the kids and have good class control, their age and experience would enable them to relate historical events from a personal perspective, making for a more engaging history lesson, they could have a little snack on the kids when they felt peckish.

      Mind you, bursting into flames in sunlight might be a problem, so no sports.

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Thank you fishducky. I'm trying to keep it light now, because it gets quite a bit darker later on.

      Delete
  5. Why would anyone want to be a teacher...I thought it was a bit like the first people to come here to OZ...they sorta had no choice in the matter.
    So what terrible crime did you do that ended you up in the teaching profession?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah Kymbo, if you only knew.

      Of course if you really new than I would have to take steps.
      Steps probably including 7.62mm messengers of death.

      Don't ask, it's probably safer.

      Anyway, I've only got another 5 years to run, then the statute of limitations runs out.

      Delete
    2. What is that TSB? When you become eligible for your OAP? and possibly decide to sit back and smell the rose?

      Delete
    3. No sorry, the only thing I want to do to roses is spray the thorny bastards with paraquat.

      Delete
    4. A house I bought had a row of roses... I tore them out with the car... (Even more effective than Paraquat)

      Delete
    5. Well done that man. Unfortunately my Beloved likes roses, so I've got to care for them in daylight. but I sneak out at night and kill the bastards I like your method, but it's just too obvious.

      Delete
  6. I had to pop over and check out your blog after reading your username from Jenny's latest post! It's a cracker. I'll call back sometime soon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you and welcome Helena, any friend of Jenny is welcome here, if you can put up with the slightly strange world view.

      Delete
  7. I feel like Clansmen would make the best teachers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could be, could be, especially if they allow us to keep our claymores. (The swords, not the directional mines

      Delete
  8. I've have to tell my sister about this photo. She's a (faded) ginger and gets very irate about people portraying Gingers as stupid-bad tempered-stupid...oh maybe I won't tell her....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. G'day ALW, which photo? The first one or the last one? I wouldn't say that Gingas are any more bad tempered or violent that the norm, but then I'm scared of what they'd do if I did.

      Delete
  9. "are what we professionals call "children""
    The army recruits 18 year olds because they know their brains have not fully developed and have unreasonable expectations of their infallibility!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not quite second.
      The Army recruits 18 year old because they are malleable, can be taught to follow orders and taught to kill, and they are sure of their immortality. Just like student teachers really.

      Delete
  10. Hello TSB.
    I arrived in Toronto yesterday and have already seen poutine. When you mentioned it in an earlier comment I had no idea what you meant. Seeing it depicted on a restaurant advertisement I still don't understand it. If I brave it I'll have to smother it in maple syrup.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DON'T TOUCH THE SYRUP.

      It's sticky.

      Enjoy canoehead land Oh aged one.

      Delete
  11. LOL.......at least the wandering Scot has a ginger 'tache - so you can at least tell he's genuine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Possibly, but to ex-military, the word "ginger" has slightly different connotations, especially when combined with a 'tache.

      Delete
  12. The tension is mounting.
    I bet the twist at the end is that you're really the Scotsman's father.
    Or you were a ghost all along.
    Something like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Could be, could be, but saying anything would defeat the purpose of the story-telling methodology.

      Delete

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