If you've read the last post, you will realise that my situation was a little precarious.
I couldn't rely on my bowels to do "the proper thing"
The "proper thing" in this context is to keep fluids in, yet let gases out, if so desired.
Then I remembered an episode of "One Foot in the Grave", when the character Victor Meldrew, portrayed by Richard Wilson, was returning from a Spanish holiday with his long suffering wife.
They were on a plane, and it became apparent that Victor was suffering from a bad dose of "Gippy Tummy" and was in a similar situation to myself.
His brilliant plan was to stuff one of his wife's tampons , (quote) "Up his Bum" to ensure that the essential propriety essential to every British gentleman would be preserved, and that no leakage would occur.
|No, no, Dear God, No.|
I had absolutely no plans to fully emulate Victor's actions, but I had to plan for the worst.
Being a teacher, one doesn't always have the freedom to make hurried visits to the little boy's room.
Can you imagine the image of popular and respected TSB running hell for leather to the loo with one hand clamped to his nether regions whilst screaming "Get out of the f*cking way"?
It would not do.
So I applied my mighty (yet slightly weird) intellect to the problem and came up with a solution.
The problem was of an intermittent nature, so the solution had to be flexible enough to be used or not as circumstances and gas pressure dictated.
It had to be quickly and easily applied, and it would be essential to be leak free.
I'd noticed, whilst shopping with my Beloved, that there were certain disposable appliances, produced en masse, which our lovely ladies could use to maintain their pristine appearance.
Yes, you've got it.
Easily and quickly applied, they fulfilled all the criteria required of the solution. They were available at all shops and supermarkets. And they were cheap.
I'm a Scot.
Cheapness is important.
The cheaper the better, so I donned my usual disguise of flat cap, grey trench coat, false nose and orange wig and bought a packet of the cheapest available.
(You may well ask why I have a usual disguise.
You can ask.
I won't say; the statute of limitations being what it is.)
|Who is this TSB of whom you speak?|
So, fully prepared, I returned to the pit of chaos called Nuova Lazio High School.
The day did not start well, with vague grumblings from my digestive tract all morning
I'd had a nasty 20 minutes ensconced in the Staff facilities. I know it was nasty, because I'd heard the retching, and gasps of nausea and disgust from the poor unfortunates who had entered the facility whilst I was "detoxing"
|This is the only safe way to approach TSb when he's "detoxing"|
When all was finished, I fitted the appliance, just in case.
For those fortunate enough to have never examined these appliances in detail, they come with a layer of a medium-strong adhesive on their outer section. This section is firmly applied to the material of my trusty boxers, so fixing the appliance in place.
So suitable accoutered, I felt free to stride to my Year 10 class on the sunny morning.
I was armoured with my usual invincible will, my mighty intellect, an overweening arrogance inherent in the teaching profession and a Signature brand self-adhesive panty liner.
What could possibly go wrong.?