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Tuesday, 18 September 2012

TSB gets into a Sticky Situation (2)


If you've read the last post, you will realise that my situation was a little precarious.

I couldn't rely on my bowels to do "the proper thing"

The "proper thing" in this context is to keep fluids in, yet let gases out, if so desired.

Then I remembered an episode of "One Foot in the Grave", when the character Victor Meldrew, portrayed by Richard Wilson, was returning from a Spanish holiday with his long suffering wife.

They were on a plane, and it became apparent that Victor was suffering from a bad dose of "Gippy Tummy" and was in a similar situation to myself.

His brilliant plan was to stuff one of his wife's tampons , (quote) "Up his Bum" to ensure that the essential propriety essential to every British gentleman would be preserved, and that no leakage would occur.
No, no, Dear God, No.

I had absolutely no plans to fully emulate Victor's actions, but I had to plan for the worst.

Being a teacher, one doesn't always have the freedom to make hurried visits to the little boy's room.

Can you imagine the image of popular and respected TSB running hell for leather to the loo with one hand clamped to his nether regions whilst screaming "Get out of the f*cking way"?

It would not do.

So I applied my mighty (yet slightly weird) intellect to the problem and came up with a solution.

The problem was of an intermittent nature, so the solution had to be flexible enough to be used or not as circumstances and gas pressure dictated.

It had to be quickly and easily applied, and it would be essential to be leak free.


I'd noticed, whilst shopping with my Beloved, that there were certain disposable appliances, produced en masse, which our lovely ladies could use to maintain their pristine appearance.

Yes, you've got it.

PANTY LINERS.


Easily and quickly applied, they fulfilled all the criteria required of the solution.  They were available at all shops and supermarkets.  And they were cheap. 

I'm a Scot. 

Cheapness is important.

The cheaper the better, so I donned my usual disguise of flat cap, grey trench coat, false nose and orange wig and bought a packet of the cheapest available. 

(You may well ask why I have a usual disguise. 
You can ask. 
I won't say; the statute of limitations being what it is.)

Who is this TSB of whom you speak?

So, fully prepared, I returned to the pit of chaos called Nuova Lazio High School.

The day did not start well, with vague grumblings from my digestive tract all morning

I'd had a nasty 20 minutes ensconced in the Staff facilities.  I know it was nasty, because I'd heard the retching, and gasps of nausea and disgust from the poor unfortunates who had entered the facility whilst I was "detoxing"
This is the only safe way to approach TSb when he's "detoxing"

When all was finished, I fitted the appliance, just in case.

For those fortunate enough to have never examined these appliances in detail, they come with a layer of a medium-strong adhesive on their outer section.  This section is firmly applied to the material of my trusty boxers, so fixing the appliance in place.

So suitable accoutered, I felt free to stride to my Year 10 class on the sunny morning. 
I was armoured with my usual invincible will, my mighty intellect, an overweening arrogance inherent in the teaching profession and a Signature brand self-adhesive panty liner.

What could possibly go wrong.?


48 comments:

  1. You are dangling us. I was not born to be a dangler.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But Dear Jacqueline, dangling is fun.

      Every bloke I know is a dangler.

      Delete
    2. And I wasn't born a bloke. Bobbling is my game.

      Delete
    3. Oh, and I have to speculate here about the possibility of hair removal....

      (No, whisky darn it, I'm allergic to the results of mixing alcohol with these pain meds, but thanks for the smile!)

      Delete
    4. I'm frightened to ask what exactly Bobbling is. DON'T TELL US.

      Delete
    5. No speculation is allowed, but I will admit that you're getting close. Sorry about the whisky rejection, but you can get a smile from me any day.

      Delete
  2. Somehow I don't think you were using the correct type of liner.. maybe a bin liner would have been more appropriate for whatever leakage your were expecting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn and blast. Why didn't I think about using a bin liner?

      Actually, the way things were going, and inflatable pool might have been more suitable.

      Delete
  3. I think you were too quick to dismiss the tampon solution. Plugging a leak at source is better than trying to contain the effluence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Possibly Gorilla, possibly. it's inserting the plug that caused me to pause and reflect.

      And then say not no, but DAMNIT NO.

      Do I want a little string hanging rom my nether regions?

      Not really.

      Delete
    2. Yes best you kept away from using a tampon. they ahve been know to go astray even in female users. Imagine the embarrassment of fronting up to the medical centre to get it removed. Still less embarrassing than any other type of foreign body up the backside.
      It does happen quite often I am informed by an
      Accident & Emergency nurse.

      Delete
    3. This is an area I really, really don't want to get into.

      BTW I did see an old edition of the British Medical Journal which described the removal of a U-bend pipe from a bloke's rectum. Not happy reading.

      Delete
  4. Finding amusement in the misfortune of others never gets old. If your bowels are rebelling like this, I don't think a healthy diet is for you. Get back on the junk food and remain drip-free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry Steve, wherevr did you pick up the misaprehension that I eat healthy food?

      I agree, my Beloved feeds me healthy food, but I'm not always at home.
      Capisce?

      Delete
  5. I don't think a panty liner is what you need. Its "depends for Men' - the pull up version. Or better still stay home until you are well - do you have a nice chap to ring in your absence to?

    As an aside, I have noticed from previous posts that your good wife manages your eating regime hoping to keep you in the best of health. I have not bothered to comment on this because these entrenched ideas about what constitutes a good diet are so hard to change. I can guarantee, however, that if you adopted a paleo eating style (Embrace meats, animal fats and unprocessed foods - cheese is ok if you tolerate dairy) then you would be a picture of health and even more pertinent in your current predicament, 'firm and regular' once again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just wait for the last part tracy, and all the awfulness will be described in great detail.

      No offence, but going back to eating the same food our paeolithic ancestors ate is nuts. (HAHAHA)

      Probably because their normal lifespan was about 35 years.

      Firm is my goal.

      Delete
  6. I hate to put a spanner in the works, but a panty liner attached to a pair of boxers is just an extra piece of fabric attached to an inappropriate shit barrier! You need to wear a better containment garment. Something tight around the legs to stop seepage. You need to approach this in a more scientific manner. May I suggest ladies big panties with a liner. Us women have had to approach the leakage issue for millennia. Learn from the experts!
    Di
    Xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm...good point about the giant pants. I did see a comedy sketch with Billy Connolly describing the adventures of a bloke in incontinence pants, but I really don't want to relive that experience.

      I always knew that ladies understand all about leakage.

      Modesty forbids that I say more.

      Delete
    2. Yep, that's the problem I see as well. Boxers are ridiculous flappy, airy, crinkled up shorts. I like a bit more firm control and prefer to be more clamped in that that.

      Delete
    3. Somehow looby, I just knew that you'd like "firm control" and "clamped".

      Boxers allow perspiration to evaporate, and reduce the incidence of crotch rot.

      I've got enough troubles without crotch rot, thank you very much, so the boxers stay.

      Delete
  7. Jings! What a problem. I doubt faced with similar I would have come up with such a potentially ingenious or disastrous solution. I agree with the comment about you being off work if unfit - a mishap like one this situation has the potential for would be surely too much juvenile ammunition to live with should things go wrong.

    Perhaps if your military past had been with a different part of the services you wouldn't have beeen so worried about foreign objects up your jacksie and would have gone with the tampon solution - even with it's inherent potential for explosive repercussions.

    This is a nice set up for the type of story that weirdly fascinates us all. I do hope you avoid a crap ending old chap.

    cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you can see, I'm a natural problem solver and yes, I am very glad I wasn't in the Royal Navy, so still have some areas kept sacrosanct.

      Oh don't worry about the story, it definitely has a ... are you making fun of my unfortunate circumstances Alistair?..."crap ending" are you possibly referring to the substance and area of the problem?

      I'll give you the benefit of the doubt old boy, and I do believe that the ending will be fulfilling.

      Delete
  8. I was just about to mention Billy Connolly's big pants, I remember that sketch well.

    I'm seeing boxers as the problem. If you're going to borrow ladies' panty liners then you really need the close-fitting knickers to go with them.

    This will end in tears.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Big Yin's sense of humour is very similar to my own, and I can understand the subtle variations of the Glasgow accent, having spent my formative years in that city.

      Boxers are, I'm afraid mandatory (see my reply to Alistair, above) I seek to void a recurrence of the dreaded crotch rot.

      I don't actually "borrow" the liners. I do believe that my Beloved would object to me putting a used liner back in the box.

      It does end in tears. Literally.

      Delete
  9. I said it last post and I'll repeat it here: non-fermenting FiberCon tablets. They will change your life. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thank you for your advice TUB, and I won't ask how they changed your life, but I do find your advice a little odd.
      I looked up Fibercon on the web and i don't think adding steel bits to my diet would improve things.

      Delete
  10. I'm already in tears, of laughter! . . . Just the thought of it all. I can hardly wait for the next episode.
    . . . I'm wondering; next time Geekster (13) feels humiliated by his teacher, should I tell him to imagine that the guy might be wearing a panty liner . . . Maybe not ;-)
    Ah well, I cant wait to read more, thanks for the laugh x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, thanks bugerlugs, I'm glad my unfortunate distress gives laughter to others. If a teacher is humiliating little Geekster then he/she's a bastard.

      You don't humiliate kids. Tell them off for doing something naughty, yes, the occasional slight sarcasm perhaps, but never humiliate. We get the best from our kids by building them up, not tearing them down.

      Don't worry about the ending; it's almost too painful to relate.

      Delete
  11. I'm anxiously awaiting the final installment--please let me know when it comes out! I'll be in the bathroom...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Ha Ha Ha. Very clever use of language fishducky. I was hoping that nothing would be coming out; that was the whole point of using the damned things.

      Using the bathroom is always best I've found.

      Delete
  12. This just goes to prove that one should never leave the house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Laoch, if that were only possible, I would be in Paradise rather thn up sh*t creek.

      Delete
  13. Morning TSB. I expected this episode to be the final... to tell all.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh, I see trouble ahead. Nothing good can come from a man wearing panty liners. They aren't very good when used for their regular purpose...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, there is trouble and tears ahead.

      As far as the usefulness of panty liners is concerned, I bow to your superior knowledge.

      Delete
  15. What could go wrong?..fancy tempting fate like that TSB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep.
      You would tink that after all these years I would remember not to tempt fate.

      Like the time in Germany, when I mentioned to my Battery Commander "Well Sir, it's pissing down, it's turning to sleet, we're stuck 50km from the nearset gasthaus and half the battery is bogged axle-deep in the mud. It couldn't get any worse"

      20 seconds later the lightning hit the radar unit on the hill.

      Delete
  16. Wow, Victor Mildrew was actually way ahead of his time, didn't realise that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What?

      Sticking a tampon up his bum made him ahead of his time?

      Strange concept.

      I think I'd prefer NOT being ahead of my time in that case.

      Delete
  17. Confound it man! Will we ever get to find out what happened?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What did I do in a previous incarnation to be nagged by a figment of a deranged teacher's imagination, or a figment of a teacher's deranged imagination or even a deranged figment of a teacher's imagination?

      Delete
  18. It doesn't really matter! In imperfection God finds perfection!

    ReplyDelete

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