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Sunday, 9 September 2012

TSB Ends up in Court (2)

cartoon image of boy saying "it wasn't me"

So after discovering that m'son had been a bit economical with the truth about the incident with his car in Wellington, I contacted Senior Sergeant Whatsisname at Police HQ.

Well actually I tried to contact Senior Sergeant Whatsisname(SSW) at Police HQ.

The NZ Police website is not terribly well organised, and it took me some time before I found the number I really wanted.

But finally.


Me: "Is this Senior Sergeant Whatsisname?"

SSW: "Yes"  (Succinct to say the least)

Me: "I'm trying to find out why my car, being driven by my son, with my permission (obviously trying to avoid any hint of "Stolen car" suspicions here) was towed away from Wakefield Street on Friday last week."

SSW: "Do you have an incident number Sir?"

Me: "No, SSW, all I have is a pack of lies told by m'son to avoid both my anger and his Mum's disappointment"
I understand

SSW: "Ah, I understand Sir" , "We've had many cases like this".  "Frightened to tell his Mum was he?"

Me: "Yes, and I can understand his fear, as his Mum's disappointment is more fearful than a Great White Shark with a toothache"

I don't need Novocaine

SSW: "I understand completely Sir"  "I've been married 30 years myself" *sounds of deep sobbing echoed plaintively down the phone line* "However, I don't have any record of the incident" "I would suggest phoning Senior Sergeant RightBastard at Porirua on *** ******"  "If the car was towed there, he'd have the records"

Me: Thanks SSW, for being so understanding, I'll take your advice and phone SSRB"

I then take another deep breath and retire to contemplate life, the Universe and lying aresholes that I still love.

This is almost as f*cked up as my life at the moment.
Yeah Right.

Back to the phone.

Phone SSRB in Porirua.

SSRB: "Hello, Porirua Police, SSRB speaking"

Me: "Sorry to bother you, but I'm trying to find out why my car, being driven by my son, with my permission (obviously trying to avoid any hint of "Stolen car" suspicions here) was towed away from Wakefield Street on Friday last week and is being stored by a towing company in Porirua, who say the car is under Police Impound"

SSRB: "Do you have an incident number Sir?"

Me: "Sorry, no, but the car reg. no. is ****** and the incident took place on  Friday last week"

SSRB: " Give me a couple of minutes Sir, and I'll bring up the records"

Me "No worries SSRB" (see, now completely integrated into the laid-back kiwi culture)

SSRB: "I'll just put you on hold for a few minutes Sir"  *pleasant sounds of Muzak, based loosely on "Here's a how-de-do!" from The Mikado.*

2 minutes.

4 minutes.

6 minutes.

SSRB: *In a much drier and officious voice*  "I'm sorry Sir, I cannot divulge any information at this time."  "Give me your contact number and I'll find out what information I can release to you, and call you back tomorrow"

Me: *with emotionally choked voice* "Thank you SSRB, my number is *** ****** ext. 7305"

SSRB: "I'll be in touch Mr TSB"

OH SHIT.  I had picked up on the sudden loss of the honorific "Sir" in that last conversation.  What on Earth had m'son really done.

I had images of him running a P lab from our garage. 

Was I going to return home through a police cordon with suspicious glares being directed at blameless me?

I had images of him running an illegal Marijuana farm in the boot of his car.

Was I going to be a cause-celebre, reported in the national press as a teacher with drug connections?  ( bet that would increase my popularity amongst the denizens of Nuova Lazio High School, if not the Senior Management.

I had images of him running an escort agency centre from his/my car.

colour picture of lovely asian young lady, in a bikini, lying seductively on a wrinkled bed sheet, with rather a lot of cleavage showing

I wondered if I could get a family discount?

The last scintillating installment will be forthcoming before the end of the week; reporting, health and relief commitments notwithstanding.


  1. Did he drive a four wheel drive into the sea and blame my son?

    1. No, he did not.
      Not this time anyway.


    2. So what does the Russian Mafia know about you that we dont TSB?

    3. I could tell you Tempo, but than Alexandrovich would have to terminate you with extreme prejudice.

  2. If he was running a marijuana farm or an escort agency from the car you could be very proud! That's quite entrepeneurial of him!

  3. Family discount?
    You are a brave man TSB.
    Either that or your beloved is away in China with no access to blogspot

    1. Sometimes I like to take risks, specially as my beloved is off to the UK for 9 GLORIOUS WEEKS.

  4. He couldn't divulge any information? Was he worried you might pass it on to the Russian mafia? Or the Australian Rugby coach? That was the moment to hire the best defence lawyer in town.

    1. I sort of agree.

      I did think about a lawyer, then I found out they wanted money IN ADVANCE

      He can take his chances.

  5. I've had a cold lately, and could have done with Sudofed for the runny nose. I'd be more impressed if he was doing this Home Chemistry as a public service:

    1. HAHAHA...very well done Shackleford. It's almost impossible to get cold cure anymore, whcih is why I stick to whisky.

  6. Sounds like trouble..but trouble NZ style...that would be an unpaid parking fine or something wouldnt it?

    1. Possibly, possibly, but at least he's not an Abbo being beaten to death by his betters, or an Indonesian refugee, sinking in the Timor Sea.

  7. Your endless invention in managing to get a comely lass into your posts is to be admired. Sir.

    1. Thanks looby, I do try my best. I had a sort of a bet on wth AliX from the tasteful Hestia's Larder.Sir

  8. He's not the one trying to entice my daughter into an online, erm, 'romance' is he? If so, he may well end up on the tip of my pointy steel-toed boots...but since he's in NZ it will have to be in effigy.

    Dagnabbit and shuckydern!

    1. I think your daughter is quite safe Jacqueline, he's too busy trying to advance his music career and watching far too many on-line movies to be "interfering" with a young lady on a different continent.

      I hope.

      If, by some weird chance, he is the one, please airmail the pointy steel-toed boots, and I'll apply them with the maximum available velocity.

    2. Happily......unfortunately the kidling is hiding the young man's identity for fear of said boots and my spiked baseball bat. Don't worry, I'll around to my way of thinking, soonish.

      Btw, you *might* have gotten a mention on me blog today.

    3. old is the kidling? If you wish I can send her a picture of my collection of Victorian Gelding Knives for her to forward to her"beau".

      I know it certainly had a salutory effect when I showed it to m'daughter's suitors.

      Ooohhh...thanks for the mention, I've already had fish ducky leave a comment.

    4. She's 22; send me the knives! Erm, knife pictures.

      You're welcome for the mention; since I'm allergic to flattery it was almost sincerely. Um, I meant all most sincerely. Yeah.

      In answer to your question on my blog...Yes. And Sidney Devine and Tommy Truesdale. My dearly beloved and really quite sadistic Scot made me listen to both. I parried with Tiny Tim and Pat Boone.

      I won.

    5. You mean that someone was actually worse than Sidney Devine???

      Even Tiny Tim wasn't as bad; although I must admit to having a private fantasy regarding the sainted Tim and where I would shove that bloody ukulele.

      ps I must admit to a secret admiration to Pat Boone. Shh.

  9. Replies
    1. Is who still alive?


      They're all alive, well apart from Ringo, who is, we suspect, a zombie.

  10. I predict this is all going to end in tears.

    And a fine.

  11. Intrigued and can't wait.

    Odd how others misfortune can be so...... fascinating.

    Have you spanked him yet BTW? Probably a bloomin good set over the knee would make you feel better.

    And did the local rag get hold???
    Or this ultimately just you leading us a wee dance?


    1. We'' I'm sorry, but your going to have to wait, as I'm a wee bit busy this week.

      No, I have'nt spanked him, that's against the law here, and he's also about the same size as me, and I follow the great tradition of the British Army; Don't fight anyone who is bigger.

      I don't know if any paper published any details, but i didn't see any. No, Alistair, I'm not leading you all in a wee dance. Everything that's been said is approx, the truth, and produced in the same order as happened those weeks ago. I may have added alight embellishments for the sake of humour, but that's all.

  12. Hey, hey, HEY, where is the rest of the post? I see the wee beastie gets his devious ways from his father and not his sainted mother. Don't leave us hanging dear, it isn't nice.

    1. I try my best, but I was running out of time. I'll try and get it finished by the end of the week.

      Just a second...Are you implying that I'm devious?

      Well thank you.

      The Scottish expression is "fly"

      Example: "TSB is a right fly bastard, ye dinna ken whit he's goanna dae next"

  13. When I see the title, 'TSB ends up in court' I keep thinking this is a story about the banking crisis. Let's hope TSB Junior isn't entirely responsible for that unfortunate blip.

    1. The only banking crisis I was involved with was the state of my overdraft, and big though it was for me, I don't think it was big enough to cause the big blip (just).

      TSB junior can be blamed for many things, but not that.

  14. Staff Serageant Right Bastard's over there now? I thought he was conspicuously missing from these parts.

    I hope this ends well and without requiring every dollar you own and weekend visits to a far away jail.

    1. Maybe. I think that there's a Sergeant RightBastard in every country, perhaps in every town.

      You'll have to wait and see I'm afraid, but yes, there's money involved.

  15. Replies
    1. It couldn't possibly be worse.

      Well, yes it could, but I like to look on the gloomy side.

  16. Oh, it's all fun and games until someone gets caught.


    1. Oh yes, it's all fun.

      It's like that book by Chris Brookmyre:
      "All Fun and Games Until Somebody Looses an Eye"

  17. This is exactly how a John le Carré novel I recently read began. It didn't end well. It's a rabbit hole!

    1. So that bastard Le Carré stole my plot?

      I'll be having word with my solicitor regarding this outrageous plagarism.

      Worry not, well not yet and a rabbit hole?

      I tell you, at the time it felt more like a life-sucking singularity (black hole to any non-scientific types out there)

  18. Curiouser and curiouser ......*opens another can of Pringles crisps. And some gin*

    Looking forward to Part III!!!!!!


    PS - no photos showing for me. My censoring settings for Sonshine must be working :-D

    1. Dear AliX, I'm getting just a tad concerned, as I seem to have caused an escalation Pringles to Pringles & Gin.

      I'll try and keep the series down to a manageable size, or goodness knows where it may end.

      I keep on trying to get parts III, IV, V and VI finished, but Ringo keeps interrupting me. I'm getting so incensed (again)with his inefficiencies and lack of planning that I might have to stop work on the Court series and vent some spleen before my health begins to suffer.

      Ah, the photos were actually pretty innocuous, apart from (perhaps) the last, with it's reference to an escort agency.

      I think it may be something else that's blocking the images. Have you paid your subscription to the Image Copyright Levy? If you haven't, you'll find that most images everywhere will be blocked.

  19. Just found your post at Jacquelineand.... You are one funny bastard! I'm your newest follower!

    1. Aww shucks fishducky, you say the nicest things.

      Welcome to my wee blog, and thanks for leaving a comment.

      Be warned however, that my posts, and some of the comments left on them by the tribe of ne'r'do'wells who sometimes drop in, can be a wee bit extreme and mostly non-PC.


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