So my Beloved insisted on going to see this film, Hope Springs, with the inimitable Tommy Lee Jones, Merryl Streep and Steve Carrell.
It turns out that my Beloved had an ulterior motive for going to see this bloody film (It's just like being back at Nuova Lazio High School, with all the hidden agendas bouncing of the ingrained prejudices).
The main thrust of this cinematic torture chamber was "The Male partner's incapability to perceive the deep romantic desire of his wife"
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| What? |
Now I would like to make it plain, that I don't think there is that much similarity to the character Tommy Lee Jones (TLJ) plays in the film, and me. Apart from the wrinkled good looks of course.
Some examples:
When TLJ leaves for work in the morning, his wife makes breakfast for him, and he sits and reads the newspaper.
When TSB leaves for work in the morning, he makes his own bloody breakfast and reads the news on-line.
When TLJ returns home after work, he kisses his wife on the cheek and then seems to slump down in a reclining armchair to watch golf on TV until he falls asleep.
When TSB returns home after work, he kisses his wife on the lips and then seems to slump down in a non-reclining armchair to watch TV until he falls asleep.
TLJ does not like spending money and does everything on the cheap.
TSB does not like spending money and does everything economically.
TLJ sleeps on his own in the spare room.
TSB sleeps in the same bed as his Beloved, however he does seem to end up curled in the fetal position on the opposite edge of the bed, somewhat like a hedgehog awaiting the decapitating strike from a large predator.
When TLJ begins to realise that his wife is deeply unhappy and is insisting that they go to see a relationship therapist, he brings her a bunch of flowers.
When TSB realises that his Beloved is a bit pissed of (for whatever reason) he brings her a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolate.
So you can all see that there is almost no comparison between TLJ and TSB.
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| No comparison |
However.
While watching the film (which did have it's mildly funny moments) every time the TLJ character did something to upset his wife, I could feel a wave of ice-cold displeasure emanating from my Beloved.
The temperature dropped to cryogenic when the couple's sex life began to be discussed. There was raucous laughter coming from various parts of the cinema as various fantasies were discussed, but not from my beloved, nor, I noticed, from quite a few couples of about the same age as us.
I reckon there was some sort of conspiracy at work here. Perhaps all these ladies "of a certain age" had banded together and brought their partners to suffer collectively. I couldn't see any other explanation why so many had come at the same time.
The only other common factor was that this night was the"special" night, where all tickets were reduced to $10, but could that be the common factor?
I don't think so.
The conspiracy theory fits much better.
Any back to the film.
The worst bit was about to happen.
TLJ had been asked by the "therapist" (read nosy do-gooding interfering bastard) to describe his fantasies, and apart from a mention of a neighbour and her corgi dogs he had clammed up.
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| And I used to think that my fantasies were strange. |
Merryl Streep then said that her fantasy was to have a renewal of vows on a tropical beach.
The blast from my Beloved at this point was not far above Absolute Zero.
I am of the opinion that I made a vow to my Beloved 34 years 3 months ago, and I hadn't changed my mind, so why does a vow need renewing? Especially as my Beloved wanted the renewal to take place in a church, and the next time I step into a church there's a fair chance I'll burst into flames.
The film ended on a happy note with bloody Merryl Streep getting her way and having her renewal of vows on the beach.
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| Oh, just bugger off |
I was looking for a bucket for a quick chunder, but none was available, so I swallowed my bile and sat in silence.
There were a few pointed comments about various aspects of the film on the way home, but praise the Universal Forces (gravity and the weak atomic force) no mention of the renewal of bloody vows.
Yet.
I live in fear.
Steve Carrell is a twat and I would never go to see a film with him in it.
ReplyDeleteThis is the type of film that my Old Girl wouldn't drag me to knowing full well that it wouldn't be worth listening to my grumbling. She might though, go to see it with a friend and I would be aware of a week's worth of stares, mutterings, deep-sighs and snide comments. Fortunately obtuseness is one of my traits so most of it will go over my head.
I must admit that Mr Carrell is not one of my favourite actors, but he wasn't to bad in this film, being merely bloody annoying rather than his usual cringe-making prat.
DeleteI know and acknowledge my faults (few though they may be) but having analogs presented on screen, just makes the whole thing worse.
Obtuseness is good. Almost as good as going deaf.
The Curmudgeon, I thought you were going back to bed! Morning TSB.
ReplyDeleteHow do you know he's going to bed, you omniscient old codger. Morning Richard.
DeleteIt's the strong nuclear force that will make you renew your vows. No man can resist the force which binds protons together. If you're wise, you'll agree to do it in the least embarrassing venue. Are there any nuclear bunkers in New Zealand?
ReplyDeleteNuclear power in any form is forbidden here in sunny Aoteroa, so we're all doomed.
DeleteNO NATURAL POWER in the Universe can make me do the renewal thing.
Except maybe my Beloved's continuous nagging.
As it was once said as The Hindenburg crashed, "Oh the humanity ..."
ReplyDeleteFunny you should mention the Hinderburg, it kind of felt like that whilst we were watching this "entertainment"
DeleteA wonderful rant TSB. Wonderful. All the more poignant because you know you're buggered from the start but are determined to put up a fight. God bless ya Guv!
ReplyDeleteNo similarities between you and TLJ beyond that you've both got a face like a chewed caramel? Come now - don't be coy....
What about the three letter name????
I'm glad you enjoyed my outpourings of vitriol, spleen and concentrated bile.
DeleteWe all know we're buggered, but sometimes it's nice to live in blissfull self-denial.
I would have preferred the phrase "a well lived-in face" but chewed caramel works as well.
I can think of a few other three and four letter names.
I can't believe women fall for this crap and then subject their spice to it. No wonder most of my friends are guys. I'm embarrassed at my own gender's stupidity. And manipulation. Sorry you had to suffer thru that drek, TSB.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support Austan. It won't do me much good, but it makes me feel less alone.
DeleteDon't feel embarassed about the depiction of females in this film, at least they don't emphasise the physical attributes of womanhood.
It was drek, and I feel thoroughly drekked.
Well said Austan!
ReplyDeleteNow, you might not believe this (then again) . . . I've seen so few films in my life, maybe 10 in 49 yrs, that I actually truly thought that the photogrtaph at the top of your post, was of you and your Beloved! I Kid you not. At all.
But the film sounds like torture, and NO emphasis on the physical attributes of womanhood!? They obviously didn't want the men distracted away from the message.
It made an entertaining post though x
Hiya bugerlugs, the guy is Tommy Lee Jones, (But I'm much better looking than him) and the lovely lady is Meryl Streep.
DeleteIt was torture. There were many instances of forced laughter throughout the film, but no real enjoyment.
I'll try and introduce more feminine attributes for next week.
Thansk for enjoying my misery.
Dear bugerlugs,
DeleteBe warned - by ' more feminine attributes' he means more salacious photographs - ok. What can I say? He's at a delicate age. {probably has been for about forty years}
Shh, Alistair, she's a lovely person, it's not fair that you expose her to my predilictions
DeleteI just like to look, OK.
I felt the film was biased against men. They should film a sequel with another couple, where the woman has all of her faults pointed out to her in great detail in the sessions, backed with film and audio recordings of her contradicting herself from one day to the next; at the end she realises how wrong she is about everything, and instead of a vow renewal ceremony, settles for an evening in with a Chicken Vindaloo while he watches The Bourne Ultimatum on DVD - WITHOUT ANY BLOODY INTERRUPTIONS ABOUT SOFT FURNISHINGS.
ReplyDeleteOh, you are so, so right.
DeleteYou're so right they should erect a billboard up in Jafa-land portrying you as the saviour of all right-thinking men.
Especially the bit about BLOODY SOFT FURNINSHINGS and BLOODY SHOES.
I'm still fitting the house with the hidden cameras and microphones. My day will come soon enough.
DeleteI can't figure out if your very, very clever or terminally insane.
DeleteOr perhaps you have a death wish of a thermonuclear proportion.
Look, I'm pretty sure when presented with 6 months of footage edited down to a short 90 minute movie, showing all the various contradictory and vague nonsense she's spouted, she's bound to see reason; she'll simply apologise and change her ways. Especially when she reads the ovewhelmingly supportive comments left for me on the YouTube video.
Delete(I have to put stuff like this in your comments and not on my blog, because she's found my blog and I'm terrified of her.)
Part the first: You poor sad deluded fool. There are so many factual errors in your initial paragraph that I barely know where to start.
Delete1. A woman see reason? HAHAHA
2. A woman apologise? HAHAHAHA (one more ha, because it's not only implausable, but goes against the basic structure of the universe.
I understand and sympathise with the last, but just don't lt her use anything more compicated than a rolling-pin and you'll be right.
We're all terrified, but remember the bloke's code. Dont show fear; they can smell it.
Sounds like you were ambushed like the other men folk of a similar age to sit through this cinematic drivel. I felt your nausea just reading through your post you poor bugger.
ReplyDeleteRomance is over-rated in my opinion. Movies just fuel the myth of romance and raise unrealistic expectations.
Reality finds it hard to compete with romance. We are all so tired these days trying to please everybody.
Romance, if not dead is definitely a zombie.
DeleteI do try hard at pleasing everybody, but funnily enough I end up pleasing few.
Oh boy, you have been singled out for 'improving' by your missus. It's said that men get married hoping their wife will never change and women get married hoping her man will change. Both inevitably are disappointed.
ReplyDeleteHave you not heard of the internet, the phone or the grapevine or do you doubt your wife's ability to get her head together with other women and decide this is the perfect movie for a little house training?
Place your most treasured items and a shirt, pants and underwear in the middle of a blanket, now draw up the edges and make a ball of your things. Enough thin rope to go around the lot and to tie it to a broomstick. Congratulations, you just made an Aussie SWAG; now heave the load over a shoulder and walk out the door....
Keep walking..
Dont look back.
Oh God, I looked back, I looked back...what do I do now?
DeleteWait a moment.
I taste salt.
I've just read your post and the silly comments.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any idea about the advancement of womens rights in the last century?
You are not a nice person.
I hope your wife kicks your balls through your head.
JoAnne
Wowsers TSB. Wait until she reads the "Older Posts" and sees the informative illustrations.
DeleteShow us your tits JoAnne. Even if they're flat they'll be bigger than the organ that you used to post this.
DeleteMy dear JoAnne,
Deletethank you so much for dropping by and for leaving a comment.
I get the idea that you're not too happy with the general viewpoint of this post, which was really meant as a light-hearted dig at some attitudes seemingly held by many lovely ladies.
I never wish to offend anybody in these posts, and if you feel that they denegrate womanhood, then I truly apologise.
I do however tend to poke fun at some of the ideas and concepts that I, and many other people (male and female), find faintly ridiculous.
For my education, I would be pleased if you could point out which particular part of this post has raised your ire, because, quite frankly, I cannot recognise any phrase advocating the reduction of womens' rights.
If I wanted to be mean, and please don't forget that I'm a teacher, and have been trained to be mean, then I would say that the general thrust of your comment is typical of the humour-challenged, Doc Marten and denim overall-wearing ball-breakers that one finds so often working tirelessly to reduce all males to socially imprisoned sperm donators.
I do hope that you find a sense of humour in the near future, otherwise your life is going to be very, very lonely.
Lastly, I wish to state that I love my Beloved very dearly, and if you cannot see the wry affection for her in all of my posts, then I suppose that the education system has failed you, and as a teacher I feel sad for your lack of comprehension.
Yours sincerely
TSB
Shackelford:
DeleteNice idea, but I don't think she'll be sticking about long enough to peruse the delights sometimes found hidden away in my posts.
looby:
DeleteIsn't your comment a little lacking in sympathy for the poor girl?
Well done.
Technically I don't think a woman could kick that hard.
DeleteIt's her husband I feel sorry for.
DeleteRicahrd, good morning, don't be too sure, I've seen Aunty Twisted punt a sheep's head over the goal post on a 60 metre paddock.
DeleteI don't think I really want to meet JoAnne.
Do you think she might be *gasp* American?
Shackleford: Husband?
DeleteFrom the tone of the comment, I suspect if such a mythical creature exists he/she would be referred to as the ambulatory, semi-obligatory, sperm donation organism.
It's her ambulatory, semi-obligatory, sperm donation organism I feel sorry for.
DeleteI concur.
DeleteGo on, admit it, I bet you loved it, had a lump in the throat and fought back tears with a manly hurumph just like everyone else there during the soppy bits. Go on, say it, I loved that movie!
ReplyDeleteDi
X
No, no, I cannot admit that. A team of screaming wild horses could not drag such an admission from me.
DeleteAll I really felt was a squirming embarrasment at the sloppy bits and an almost overwhelming desire to beat the therapist's face into a bloody rag, and as he was being played by Steve Carrell, the urge was unbelievably strong.
You really loved that movie?
I would bet a considerable sum that very few real blokes did.
I bet my hubby would. Last month we sat through The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. We cried! We are now watching the Paralympics, we are crying. You just need to accept the inner child blah blah, I know, I'll get my coat :-)
DeleteDi
X
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?
DeleteIs it all about couples with a rubber glove fetish?
Sounds interesting in a fetishistic sort of way, but not worth crying over.
Inner child?
I've got an in TwistedScottishBastard instead.
You never need a coat when you come to my site Di, it's far too warm and cuddly.
Take a bunch of decrepit Brits to an *economical* retirement home in India. Laugh and cry. That's the movie. You're welcome.
DeleteThanks for visiting BDM, and thanks again for commenting.
DeleteAren't you supposed to precede such statements with the warning "SPOILER"?
I might have wanted to see the film, but now you've spoiled it, so I wont be able to go.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.
I admit that I think Steve Carrell is hilarious. But I have NO desire to renew my marriage vows on a tropical beach or anywhere else.
ReplyDeleteI know he can be, and my own dear son thinks he's great, but I just cringe.
DeleteGlad to hear about your opinion on the renewal matches my own.
I mean, what's the bloody point in saying the same things again?
I think you are a sick Twisted Scottish Bastard; now share the pail so I, too, can hurl at the very thought of such an idiotic movie. You must love your Beloved to have attended it.
ReplyDeleteThe denim overall and Doc Marten-wearing, American wife with absolutely no fechin' sense of humour who is also NOT named JoAnne and who thinks more than one set of vows is one set too many.
Thank you for those kind words, I enjoy being a TwistedScottishBastard.
DeleteI do love her, but I wasn't exactly given a choice.
Ehhh...I think from your last phrase that you wear docs and denim, have no sense of humour (I find that strange, enyone married to a Scot needs a sense of humour to survive) and think that one vow is a surfeit.
Tsk, tsk, someone wasn't paying attention ...(note the raised eyebrow and distinct lack of a smile here) I distinctly recall typing 'more than One set of vows is one set too many'.
DeleteAnd, yes, they are a bit twee but there's a bit of twee helps balance out the whips and chains...
Oops, misinterpreted.
DeleteBalance is good.
What dreck. I go to movies to escape reality. I don't need to be reminded that I'm old and that marriage can get tired. Your movie-going venture could have been much worse. It could have been a Katherine Heigel movie.
ReplyDeletei completely agree. I want pure escapism. I want to see on screen and imagine myself into a world where everything is nice, the bad guys always lose, the girls are pretty and not bitchy, where whisky is freely available and doesn't give you a hangover, I want to live in that world.
DeleteI don't mind being told that my marriage is a wee bit tired, but I do object having to pay good money to listen to someone telling me.
Who's Katherine Heigel? *frantically Googles* Nope, never heard of her, but she looks like a pretty girl, so what's up with her movie?
Heigel really is pretty! But her films are astonishingly dull, poorly reviewed chick flicks that flop about 90% of the time. I don't know why they keep financing her ventures. Be glad they haven't been imported. The U.S. exports enough crap as it is.
DeleteThanks for that. I'll avoid her work.
DeleteI know what you mean about US exports. I saw (once) the US version of The Office, it was unbelievably bad, but on the other hand, you can watch NCIS in over 40 countries.
I guess that this makes you lovely Americans very proud.
Please note, I didn't even mention KFC or McDonalds.
Yeah this sounds a bit smelly warts and all like a real marriage. I want botoxed sweet smelling photoshopped versions of reality when I go the movies not reality biting me in the bum!
ReplyDeleteHi Emma, thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.
DeleteYou're right, it is just to pseudo-realistic to be comfortable. I want to be amused, transported, excited and actually have fun when I watch a film, not to be sent on a guilt-fest.
Look, mate the writing is on the wall. Why not just book the bloody beach house in Bali and have done with it? It will save a lot of trouble in the long run. Honestly.
ReplyDeleteOh, thanks for destroying any hope I had remaining Jenny, I don't want the writing to be on the wall, mind you a beach house on Bali does sound quite nice, and it's not too far away from NZ, and it would be lovely and warm, and....NO,N) get thee behind me.
DeleteI still have a small glimmer of hope that something might happen to distract her, something like an asteroid strike might just be big enough.
Morning TSB.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming your balls aren't in your head yet.
Not yet.
DeleteI have taken to wearing my trusty cricketer's box.
Just in case the Kevlar boxers don't suffice.
Renewal of the vows: might be a good chance to have a fruity cocktail in the Fiji sun. Or do a some bum freezer bevies on Porirua shores...or something (i've been away so long I cant remember how the coastline runs...but you get the picture)
ReplyDeleteThe fruity cocktail sounds good, but it won't be in Fiji, as I have a slight fear of having a holiday in a police state governed my a megalomaniac military dictator.
DeleteTahiti might just do however.
Porirua isn't exactly my other choice either. It wouldn't really have the romantic ambiance that I believe my Beloved would wish for.
And NO BLOODY VOWS.
EVER.