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Friday, 8 April 2011

Mufti Day 3 and the Green Tube

One of our younger lady teachers practicing for the Lip Sync contest

Last of the dreaded mufti days today, ending with a "Lip-Sync" show/competition by teachers and kids.  I was working late in school last night, and caught glimpses of the teachers practicing.  They're getting really good.

I couldn't do it, I'm not a performer. 
I don't really know how Richard [of RBB] does it.

He regularly performs Bass solos in front of the whole school at prize giving.
It's normally the best part of the musical entertainment (although the student contribution has been getting better and better, largely through Richard [of RBB] dedication and coaching), but it must be frightening being in such an exposed position, knowing that any mistakes will be immediately obvious.

Teacher's Camp Accommodation

Next week is the camp week, with our Year 9s (13 - 14 year olds) going out into the bush for 3 days and 2 nights. 

Kid's Camp Accommodation

Fervent prayers are being sent up to the Gods of Aoteroa that the weather stays dry, as we are now well into New Zealand's Autumn.
Other fervent prayers are being sent, asking that none of our kids get lost in the dense bush, and that we don't have to call out Search and Rescue.
The most fervent prayers of all are asking that the real little scrotes never come back, and get eaten by the ferocious wild pigs which also inhabit this area of bush.

The Green Tube

Please note that this section contains biological details, and is not for the squeamish.

If you are eating breakfast/lunch/dinner, wait until you are finished.  For your stomach's sake, and possibly for your carpet's sake.

The Green Tube

I caught a bad cold a few weeks ago, which didn't stop me from carrying on at school, but which gave me a really stuffed up nose and a bit of a cough.  The sore throat and the burning eyes only lasted a couple of days, but the stuffed up nose has continued.
This is not as bad as it sounds, as it has a major advantage.

When I am talking to students or staff, they sometimes have difficulty in understanding my Scottish accent.  I do not think I have a particularly strong accent, and it in no way like the Glesca accents you might hear on TV (like Billy Connolly).  I like to think of it as an "Educated Scottish" accent, but the Kiwis still have problems with it, because they're used to the flattened vowels and slightly nasal pronunciation of the Noo Zayland voices.
But when my nose is stuffed full of semi-solid mucous, then they seem to understand my words more easily.
And it is this mucous that gave me such a fright last night.

A jar of Phlegm. 
 Honestly, the things you can see and buy on the Internet

As is my routine, I have a nice hot shower before heading of to bed, and as is also my routine (and I understand, the routine of many blokes), I use the hot and steamy air of the shower to effect a "Clearing of the Tubes." 

Much coughing, hacking, sneezing and blowing in the warm and humid atmosphere of the shower cubicle softens up hardened deposits and allows them to be removed form the airways and sinuses.

Half way through my usual routine, I felt something odd.   A sort of movement in my nose, but also behind my eyes.  The feeling persisted, the sensation was getting stronger and moving towards my nostrils.

What emerged was a long green tube. 
I kid you not, it was like someone had extruded a lime-green jelly from a narrow nozzle in some sort of tube-producing factory situated in my head. 

Slow pulling (it was reasonably tough and transparent) removed it in it's entirety. 
It was out. 
It was 6 inches long. 
It was completely clear, no foreign objects embedded in it. 

It felt really odd that something like this came out of me. 
I did something I now regret.

 I flushed it away.

What was I thinking?

I should have kept it in a small glass jar for later examination and exhibition. 
It would have made a great conversation piece. 

Can you imagine it? 
Sitting around a table with some guests that just would not leave?

Pull out the glass jar.

"Have you ever seen a Green Tube?" I would enquire.

I bet they wouldn't stay long after that.


  1. oh you poor wee.......



  2. I cannot believe you flushed it away!!! What were you THINKING?! That's like finding Nessie and just setting her free again - you mad thing!

    I'm sitting here giving it the old dry boak (as you might expect) but, nonetheless, I am HUGELY impressed.

    Ali x

  3. Alistair: Thanks. Go and have a wee lie down.

    Ali x: I know, I felt so guilty not keeping it for posterity.
    But don't worry, I've still got a bit of the cold, so if another green tube forms and is expelled, I'll put it in a jar and send it to you.
    Think of the hours of fun Sonshine can have with it.

  4. To be honest I didn't quite get the green tube thing, but I'm chewin' the carrot on it (not the green tube).


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