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Thursday, 24 November 2011

We're going to be Kiwis

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!",

The Ministry of Internal Affairs has just written to us informing all in the family that the Minister has signed and approved our application for NZ citizenship, and that once we have completed the attestation ceremony in the near future, we will be given our Certificates of Citizenship.

We do have to attend the public ceremony however, or the grant of citizenship will lapse, so I've been making enquiries as to what it entails.

We have to turn up on time, unless you have Maori ancestors when being 15 - 20 minutes late is de rigeur.  If you have Pacific Island heritage 30 minutes to 90 minutes late is deemed acceptable.

We have to prove our fluency in English by making a brief statement why we think New Zealand is infinitely superior to Australia.

We have to promise on threat of loss of citizenship never to :
  • Put down the All Blacks
  • Make any stupid sheep jokes
  • Forget the 2011 victory over France.

We have to demonstrate our acceptance of Kiwi customs and culture by doing the following:

Cheerios; Guaranteed at least 20% meat (products)

  1. Eat 5 cheerios with Watties Tomato Sauce
  2. Make a bowl of onion dip with reduced cream, lemon juice and a packet of onion soup mix.
  3. Making a strong argument that the English referee in the 2007 Cardiff RWC match was blind, biased, mad or all three.
  4. Explain without diagrams (or foul language) the intricacies of the allowable handling methods in a ruck, and how they differ from the same rules in a rolling maul or whenever Ritchie McCaw is involved.
  5. Make either a pan holder, foot-rest, truss (rupture support) or a wireless radio from a roll of Number 8 wire, an old car battery, 3 Feijoas and a Lammington.
  6. Eat 3 Feijoas without being sick.
  7. Shave a kiwifruit and sculpt into a bust of Dame Kiri Te Kawana.

Lastly we have to be able to sing the New Zealand National Anthem, not necessarily in key (to my tone-deaf Beloved's eternal delight) but in Maori and English.

We are then presented with our Certificates of Citizenship and the bill for $1400.

We then circulate with the other recently made citizens, local dignitaries, komatua, Head of the Lower Hutt Chapter of the Mongrel mob and have a pleasant time discussing the local weather (bloody wet and windy), politics (John Key seems a lovely guy, but he's a con man), how crap the beer is nowadays and the bid price for 5g of Meth or 250 g of weed.
Cheerios, Asparagus rolls, Sausage rolls, potato topped savouries and small steak and cheese pies are consumed, all slathered with Watties Tomato Sauce.

Then we will be offical Kiwis.

Makes you proud, don't it.


  1. Congratulations.

    If an outsider wanted to know what life in New Zealand is like what book or books would you suggest they read?

  2. I could never do that - you barely mentioned alcohol at all. Still - if you ever lost it and did Ringo a serious mischief they can't deport you anymore.

  3. "If an outsider wanted to know what life in New Zealand is like what book or books would you suggest they read?"
    I think this post pretty much covered everything you need to know, except that there's no snow on Christmas day. Oh, yes, and stay away from Palmerston North and Stokes Valley.

  4. Laoch of Chicago: Thanks. I would suggest two books.

    First is "A good keen man" by Barry Crump. Based on his experiences as a deer/wild pig hunter in the 50s and 60s.

    The second is "Untamed" by Davey Hughes. Available here

    Alistair: Couldn't do what? Alcohol is anathema to me, as you know I'm almost teetotal.

    Richard [ofRBB]: Yep

  5. Whoa. In America "cheerios" means something radically different from what they are in New Zealand.

  6. Well done TSB and family. Enjoy your citizenship ceremony.

  7. Don't take these things too cavalierly TSB. If I were you I would arrange for you and each of your family to have a buzzy-bee on string to be towed behind you. Wear Swandris whatever the weather (and sing that Crowded House song about the weather). It wouldn't hurt to be seen eating pavlova with Tip Top icecream while waiting about in the corridor. If thirsty do not under any circumstance drink Irn Bru or any poofy mineral water. Lemon and Paeroa is your man. If it starts to look dodgy just talk in a monotone and sprinkle the odd "reckon' into your vocabulary.Good luck and wollcom to Nyu Zulland (or as Shonkey say's Nu SSillind"

  8. Congrats. The $1400 is the reason I am merely a resident!

  9. Does that mean you'll no longer be
    Twisted Scottish Bastard?

  10. Patience_Crabstick: We get the Cheerios that are small, doughnut shaped, cereal based, morning food as well. But they don't go as well with ketchup. Thanks for the congrats.

    VG: Thanks, we plan to, but the next one has not been scheduled yet, so it'll be a couple of months at best.

    TC: Thanks for the detailed advice, but I think I'll pass on the Swanis. What other lovely country would use a hugely water absorbent material for an outdoor garment? I've figure out that if I want to speak like a Kiwi, I use a flat monotone (as you've suggested) and attach a diver's nose-clip to my nose, as this has the effect of flattening all the vowels in an authentic kiwi manner. L & P is ok, until I found out it was owned by Coca Cola, reckon it's still OK?

    Seeeyaah Mate.

    Pinky: Thanks, I agree, I really grudge the $1400.
    They should pay us to come here to help educate their colonial brats in the proper way of speaking and behaving. Ah well, there's always Aussie.

    Northern Snippet: Hmm, I never thought about that.
    Twisted Scottish Bastard


    Twisted Kiwi Bastard


    Twisted Immigrant Bastard


    Twisted Neo-Colonial Bastard of European Descent ( as my Maori friends might say, "G'day Honi")


    Twisted Pakeha Bastard

    I'm not to sure of the abbreviations produced.
    TSB (Good, original, like a bank)
    TKB(Nope, sounds like an educational website)
    TIB (Nope, too much like a betting organisation)
    TN-CBED (Sonds like n cheap American cable network)
    TPB (Nope, too close to DPB, the NZ dole (benefit) money)

    So I think that I'll stick with TSB, although I thank you for your idea.

  11. How about:

    Colonially Updated Nevertheless Twisted.?

  12. Stick with TSB. It suits you.
    You will always be a Scotsman, that cannot be denied. Twisted and Bastard - I really can't comment about that. To me you seem a pretty normal guy, regardless of where you originated from. And I like you cos you like Computers and hate Ringo. Just like me! Plus you're a really top bloke and you support the All Blacks. We need more of your sort here in NZ. BTW I have most of the Barry Crump collection if you feel the need to borrow any to become more indoctrinated in the Kiwi Bloke ways. Youre off to a good start in that you like to kill animals, but your hunting techniques may need the advise of Barry. Have you read "Bastards I have Met" yet? Highly recommended. Some good tips in it on how to deal with the Ringos of this world.

  13. Crikey, I need an Kiwi - English dictionary to understand some of that. Cheerios are chocolate sweets here in the UK (I think). A Lammington sounds like a type of razor. I know Kiwis think they're tough but that might be goiong a bit too far down the road of manlineness.

  14. TSB (or whatever) if you email me at blog at loobynet dot co dot uk I have a proposal which may be to your advantage. I tried using the email you put on a blog comment but it bounced.

  15. TC: "Colonially Updated Nevertheless Twisted.?"

    I don't know if you've noticed TC, but the name you've proposed has an unfortunate logical abreviation, so I think I'll stick with TSB.
    You could always use
    Daringly Inovative Curmudgeonly Kiwi?

    VG: I agree with Barry Crump. I started off with a good keen man and thouroughly enjoyed it, then went onto bastards I have met 1 & 2. Good reads.

    Young@Heart: Thanks, I think.

    looby: I agree that there has been a definite shift in English as it is spoken down here. For your elucidation try here, there's a good list of some common kiwisms.

    looby: why lawks a mercy young sir, you intrigue me. I'll send you a reply via the emailthingy. BTW, if to "my advantage" you mean that you're going to explain how modern cacophonic "music" is good, then I think I'd rather not.

  16. Thanks for the glossary. You could add a translation for "thongs", since these are not footwear in the UK but fanny-splitting very narrow thin knickers which in Lancashire anyway are traditionally worn so that they off-puttingly ride up over the woman's waistband when she bends down.

    I suppose they're meant to be sexy but I share the late great Barry White's preference for "panties".

    On women I mean. Not on me, and certainly not on Barry White.

  17. "and certainly not on Barry White."

    Why not?

    You racist or something?


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