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Tuesday, 15 November 2011

The Delights of Cottage Cheese

Last night on the TV, an advert came on for Cottage Cheese and it included a competition asking for the best Cottage Cheese recipe, so here's mine.

Take two low-calorie crispbeads (the extra crunchy ones that taste like dehydrated cardboard) and place on plate.
Carefully ignoring the butter and even the low-calorie Cholesterol-reducing spread in the firdge, get out the pot of Cottage CHeese.
Spread a nice thin layer of the lumpy stuff over the crispbreads.
Take a freshly washed tomato, and slice thinly using a Mandolin.
Bandage fingers which were sliced by the razor sharp blade of the Mandoline , although you could allow some of your blood to drip onto the Cottage Chese to give it some (extra) flavour.
Do the same with a freshly washed cucumber, and ditto for the blood and bandages
Sprinkle a little Paprika over the top and servewith a sprig of mint for that essential esthetic effect.

Lift the plate to eye level to appreciate the artistry of your creation.
Open the waste bin and then throw the whole bloody lot in it.
Best place for it

Cottage cheese must be the most tasteless crap ever produced.  The only thing close is Tofu, and if you ever see a dish conting both, run like hell.

Here's an alternative.

In a very large frying pan, add a large knob of butter and a smidgen of oil (Rice Bran Oil is probably the healthier option)
Place on heat and add:
4 rashers of lightly smoked back bacon
2 Pork sausages from Freedom Farms
2 Churizo sausages from Island Bay Butchers
4 freshly made potato scones (see earlier post for recipe)
3 slices of Black pudding
1 slice of square (Lorne) sausage
2 Hash Browns
4 Free Range eggs

Remove the crispbread slices from the bin and put on an elevated pedestal in the centre of the table.

Sneer laughingly at the cardbaord crap as you slowly consume the glorious concoction known as a complete Scottish Fry Up  (also known as the Cardiac Surgeon's Friend).
Best accompaniment is a large mug of freshly brewed tea, although I have been known to use a couple of bottles glasses of a robust Merlot as a suitable alternative.
Return crisbreads to bin, persuade son to wash up and dry, and retire to quiet shady area to snooze and digest.

Try to ignore small clanging sounds from major arteries, as well as ignoring that annoying numbness in left arm and shoulder.


  1. Mouthwatering.

    Was that nostalgia or can you really get square slice down there?

    Almost as important as the eating is getting someone else to do the washing-up - unless you're trying to hide the evidence.

    Actually that's not very easy either given the glorious aroma of a good fry up. {but I s'pose it's easier for you to cook with the windows open than back here in Scotland.} I like a nice slice fruit pudding or haggis and a fried tom too - and HP sauce, although Indonesian 'ketjap manis' sweet soy is great on a bacon and tattie scone roll.}

    Oops! sorry.......drooling!

  2. Embrace the adipose!

    It is amazing in life how everything can be made a little better with the addition of bacon.

  3. Cottage cheese is disgusting, I agree. If one MUST eat fat free dairy products, the best option is Icelandic yogurt.

  4. Alistair: Yes, you can get a pale imitation of Lorne sausage down here, but it's not the same. I think the NZ version actually contains some meat, while the authentic square slice as you know, contains only sawdust, floor sweepings, dehydrated cow and pig skin, rusk,lots of spices, and of course, the toenail clippings of the butcher.
    I've become a dab hand at tidying up as I cook, so I can get everything washed and put away before I eat, so minimising any visible evidence.
    I agree, the aroma can be a bit of a giveaway, but I can always blame my son. See; he does have some usefulness.
    Never tried the ketjap manis, but HP sauce is good in a Lorne sausage sandwich, although I sometimes yearn for a good Glasgow roll.

    Laoch of Chicago: Yep, fat is good. Bacon is the best, I believe the aroma of frying bacon has converted more vegetarians to the delights of the carnivore lifestyle than any philosophical argument.

    Patience_Crabstick: I hate to admit it, but I've never heard of Icelandic yogurt, could you describe it? Is it only available in the US?

  5. TSB - Do you think Ringo's brain looks like that pot of cottage cheese? I see he has a letter published in the latest PPTA news.
    Interesting. His words don't quite gel with that recent incident you informed us about recently at NLHS regarding the BB gun. Beware of he who speasks with forked tongue.

  6. It's OK because the rice bran oil cancels out all the calories. That's why women always delicately snap chocolate biscuits in half before eating them - all the fat molecules fall out.

    Trouble with all these crispbread type ideas is that you end up having to eat for 1.5 hours before you achieve 10% of the fullness that a proper fry-up gives you.

  7. VG: It's possible, but I'd really like to find out for sure. I wonder where I left my trepanning saw? The PPTA business doesn't surprise me, if he's anything he's consistent. Consistently rude, consistently self-centred and consistently hypocritical.

    looby: Ha Ha Ha. Agree about the crispbread, zero fullness. (and it tastes like wet cardboard and cuts my gums)

  8. Morning TSB.
    I'm going with the second breakfast too.


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