Real Reports

It's reports season again, and amidst the absolute f*cking chaos of the worst organised set of internal exams I have ever seen, we have to prepare to report to the lovely caregivers what their little shits vandals barbarians darlings have been up to and what we expect they will achieve next.


Here are some examples of what we would really like to say, devoid of the constraints of Ringo-enabled Political Bloody Correctness.

Thanks to snippits-and-slappits.blogspot.co.nz

Daniel fulfils my belief in the absence of any God.  No sane Omnipotent being would ever allow the even momentary existence of this mobile piece of excreta that you are proud to call a "son".  So well done to Daniel, for dodging the Thunderbolts of Jove, because I doubt his peers will allow his repugnance to continue breathing for much longer.  I did appreciate Daniel's attempt at humour when he brought the dead dog into class, not as he laughingly explained  that it was about the dog, but just to show off his collection of maggots.  Mr. McGlinchy thinks Daniel should explore possibilities in the area of thespian skills.  Sometimes has difficulty in relating to others.
 Overall B-.  Good at cricket.

An illustrative example of Daniel's sense of humour.

Santé-Maria  has a rather robust attitude to boys.  I was a little disappointed to hear her refer to them with Angelina-Maria as "mobile c*ck sacks"  This is not the attitude we strive for in NLHS.  Quite honestly, Santé-Maria is the biggest slapper in school, and how she has remained in an unimpregnated state for so long beats the Hell out of all the staff.  We've had to restart the book on her three times, and Mr. McGlinchy swears she's not actually a human but a succubus, which could indeed explain the number of cases of spontaneous combustion and exploding crucifixes we've had.  Mind you having  Father Martin being excommunicated for bestiality with the school mascot (Wāka) didn't help.  Excellent crochet skills, and always in class on time (if of a rather disheveled appearance)

Hiya Santé-Maria

Simon reinforces my belief that some boys should be castrated at birth.  His tendency to masturbate during lessons on the Periodic Table has reduced Miss Smith to a gibbering wreck, and has cost the school a fortune in tissues, dettol and compulsory therapy for affected staff and pupils.  Mr. McGlinchy said his behaviour always left him with a bad taste in his mouth.  Simon has a keen interest in all of our lessons on Health, and is always first in offering to help distribute the samples of condoms.  His habit of pulling one over his head and shouting (muffled though it may be) "I'm a dickhead" always brings tears to the eyes of the class, and they only require a little encouragement to allow him to remove the prophylactic and breath again.  Very good handwriting.

Donna makes me wonder if Science is really a subject. The way she meanders around school, dragging her knuckles along the ground and her habit of trying to eat slugs, snails and any invertibrate (including Daniel) she encounters is causing me to worry.  She completely disproves the Theory of Evolution as she demonstrates an almost unasailable wall of logic-vanquishing bigotry, Neanderthal grunts and a supreme lack of any hygenic standards whatsoever.  Mr McGlinchy did comment that she has now stopped eating her own bogies, and is trying others' for variety.  I suspect that she is in fact the missing link, and I, like all the surviving staff, fervently wish that she'd stayed f*cking missing.  Good at sports, but lacking in sportsmanship.  The lock-foward from Porirua is still sending rather pathetic and plaintive letters asking for the return of his testicles.

Don't f*ck with Donna

This series will continue in the near future, if I get time from writing my own bloody reports and from figuring out how the new pay scheme actually works. 
We've just his week switched to a web based (Java) system to pay all of the staff (including our relievers).
 May the Lord Java watch over us, because the help desk is no longer obtainable, the help indices are falling over and the tutorial site is no longer operational.  We've heard reports that screams are being heard from the building hostng their servers.  (Called Dis for some reason)