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Wednesday 22 August 2012

Real Reports




It's reports season again, and amidst the absolute f*cking chaos of the worst organised set of internal exams I have ever seen, we have to prepare to report to the lovely caregivers what their little shits vandals barbarians darlings have been up to and what we expect they will achieve next.


Here are some examples of what we would really like to say, devoid of the constraints of Ringo-enabled Political Bloody Correctness.

Thanks to snippits-and-slappits.blogspot.co.nz

Daniel fulfils my belief in the absence of any God.  No sane Omnipotent being would ever allow the even momentary existence of this mobile piece of excreta that you are proud to call a "son".  So well done to Daniel, for dodging the Thunderbolts of Jove, because I doubt his peers will allow his repugnance to continue breathing for much longer.  I did appreciate Daniel's attempt at humour when he brought the dead dog into class, not as he laughingly explained  that it was about the dog, but just to show off his collection of maggots.  Mr. McGlinchy thinks Daniel should explore possibilities in the area of thespian skills.  Sometimes has difficulty in relating to others.
 Overall B-.  Good at cricket.

An illustrative example of Daniel's sense of humour.

Santé-Maria  has a rather robust attitude to boys.  I was a little disappointed to hear her refer to them with Angelina-Maria as "mobile c*ck sacks"  This is not the attitude we strive for in NLHS.  Quite honestly, Santé-Maria is the biggest slapper in school, and how she has remained in an unimpregnated state for so long beats the Hell out of all the staff.  We've had to restart the book on her three times, and Mr. McGlinchy swears she's not actually a human but a succubus, which could indeed explain the number of cases of spontaneous combustion and exploding crucifixes we've had.  Mind you having  Father Martin being excommunicated for bestiality with the school mascot (Wāka) didn't help.  Excellent crochet skills, and always in class on time (if of a rather disheveled appearance)
Hiya Santé-Maria

Simon reinforces my belief that some boys should be castrated at birth.  His tendency to masturbate during lessons on the Periodic Table has reduced Miss Smith to a gibbering wreck, and has cost the school a fortune in tissues, dettol and compulsory therapy for affected staff and pupils.  Mr. McGlinchy said his behaviour always left him with a bad taste in his mouth.  Simon has a keen interest in all of our lessons on Health, and is always first in offering to help distribute the samples of condoms.  His habit of pulling one over his head and shouting (muffled though it may be) "I'm a dickhead" always brings tears to the eyes of the class, and they only require a little encouragement to allow him to remove the prophylactic and breath again.  Very good handwriting.


Donna makes me wonder if Science is really a subject. The way she meanders around school, dragging her knuckles along the ground and her habit of trying to eat slugs, snails and any invertibrate (including Daniel) she encounters is causing me to worry.  She completely disproves the Theory of Evolution as she demonstrates an almost unasailable wall of logic-vanquishing bigotry, Neanderthal grunts and a supreme lack of any hygenic standards whatsoever.  Mr McGlinchy did comment that she has now stopped eating her own bogies, and is trying others' for variety.  I suspect that she is in fact the missing link, and I, like all the surviving staff, fervently wish that she'd stayed f*cking missing.  Good at sports, but lacking in sportsmanship.  The lock-foward from Porirua is still sending rather pathetic and plaintive letters asking for the return of his testicles.

Don't f*ck with Donna

This series will continue in the near future, if I get time from writing my own bloody reports and from figuring out how the new pay scheme actually works. 
We've just his week switched to a web based (Java) system to pay all of the staff (including our relievers).
 May the Lord Java watch over us, because the help desk is no longer obtainable, the help indices are falling over and the tutorial site is no longer operational.  We've heard reports that screams are being heard from the building hostng their servers.  (Called Dis for some reason)

32 comments:

  1. Can you write a Real Report on yourself? I think that would be most entertaining for us, your reading audience (although it could send you straight to a psychotherapist).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I probably could, but it would have to be completely fictional. If I wrote the truth, the resultant depression amongst my readers when they realised my truly unassailable magnificence and perfection could reduce the total numbers of viable viewers.

      Now I am not trying to be offensive (this time at least) but why is it that most citizens of the USA have this fascination with psychotherapy and other forms/schools/fantasies of therapy. I don't want some overpaid escapee from a loony bin telling me what's wrong with my inner self. I already know what's "wrong"(i.e. different from the supposed norm)and I embrace it.

      Delete
  2. Yeah, any boy who wanks in class must be a quite a handful for the teacher. Shouldn't schools have a quiet room where pupils can toss off without disturbing the class? Donna seems to have traditional human qualities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It wasn't the teacher who was getting a handful, quite the opposite. We do have such a room, actually they have a choice of two. The toilets or the library. We know it's quite popular, because all of the medical books have their "dirty" pictures stuck together with secretions.

      Donna, is human, but barely. We know because Mr McGlinchy ran her DNA for a bet. He lost.

      Delete
  3. I almost peed myself laughing; it reminds me of one of my husband's work stories. As he would say: "fechin' stoatir"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's nice to know I can still reduce a woman to helpless laughter. I gather from your use of the Scottish venacular that you hale from "Bonnie Freezin' Scotland"?

      I haven't heard "stoatin'" for many a year, and it brings a wee tear to my eye, just link ingins.

      I'm a bit surprised, as from your last post with the lovely pics of your Mum and family, I thought you haled from Bonnie Florida.

      Delete
    2. Nope, I hale fae not so bonnie Indiana, the hubs is from Scotland (Glasgow area tae be exact) and has 'rubbed off' on me. Don't you just love the vernacular! ;-)

      Delete
    3. Well done for soaking up the ubiquitous accent and vocabulary of Glesca.

      Since I originally hale frae Lanark, with a time in Airdrie and Barmuloch, I can understand hubs peculiar but much loved way with words.

      Do you understand "Scunner" and "Boachle" and "In the name o' the wee man"?

      Delete
    4. Scunner, yes, the other two? I'll have to ask the hubs and I'm sure he'll come up with something funny. It might even be true, lol.

      Ah well, now I know you'll ken what a Glesca kiss is.......and wotchootoorpolis! By the by, the hubs read your post over my shoulder this morning and said it was such a reminder of home it could 'bring tears tae gless een'. He also wanted to know what you thought of what has happened to the Rangers...

      Delete
    5. 'bring tears tae gless een'.

      My goodness, I haven't heard that for a while.
      Thanks.

      The Bears?
      "Dinnahaeafechinclue"

      I was a Rugby bloke.

      Delete
  4. A help desk for the help desk is needed

    ReplyDelete
  5. As always a very interesting post, mildly hilarious keeping me laughing throughout. I've always wondered what teachers really think. It's nice to know they're not really strange beings but do actually find twats to be so...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MY GOD.
      I've failed.

      Only mildly hilarious?

      I must step up my game.

      Just as the All Blacks will step up in Auckland on Saturday and cream the poor bloody clueless Wallabies.

      FYI, many teachers are really strange, have little relation to reality, and some of the poor buggers actually like all the kids!

      Delete
    2. Seriously? They LIKE that bunch of horrors? I've got 11 grandkids and I love them all, they are my future, my genes only chance of going forward but I wouldnt want to be with them 2 hours a day let alone trying to teach the selfish, greedy little buggers. Modern kids are terrible, nothing like the polite and kind kids we were when we sat listening intently at our teachers every word...
      (Too much?)

      Delete
    3. I'm sorry Tempo, but most teachers like kids. I should hurridly emphasise not in that way, but we get a buzz of watching the kids develop and begin to grasp new concepts...Like cleanliness, politeness, empathy and even basic grammatical speech instead of unitelligable grunts.

      From your posts I'm surprised you've got 11 grandkids...and you ride a motorbike...you must have started young.

      Delete
    4. I didnt start young, got married at 24 but the moment I touched my new wife she swelled right up and out popped identical twins... just 4 years later as I was just getting over the shock of it I had another surprise and another daughter... I should have stuck to riding bikes, they dont breed and if they did I could legally sell the offspring..

      Delete
    5. Oh, I didn't realise that you were a man of such powerful fertility. I envy you. I love my own two kids, but I would have liked at least one more daughter.

      Delete
  6. My daughters' reports are now a travesty. They're a pick and mix radio button selection of set phrases couched in the bland, PC language of our time. I preferred the pithy single handwritten sentences of my schooldays, although I don't mis the terror of handing them over.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are "encouraged" to write only positive comments on these reports. Words like disruptive, argumentative and even sociopathic are now verboten.

      Many of us believe that there is no point in describing a student's character traits in a report, the parents/caregivers already know their offspring's character.

      A little table of checkboxes with a separate table of achievements should be sufficient.

      Delete
  7. Hahahahah! Only the fashions change with teenagers. We had the Santa-Marias, the tossers, the shockers and the stinkers when I was in school. There are more accessories now (belly rings, cell phones, children have "rights" now, etc.) but the gist is the same. Still obnoxious, soul-sucking twits who, I'm convinced, do all this for the slow homicidal toll it takes on teachers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Strange, when I look back, all I can remember is how pleasant and polite all we pupils were in the 50s and 60s, but I went to Hillhead High School in Glasgow, which was a selective school and they could get rid of any kid who really played up.

      These days we're supposed to "understand" the poor wee students who are disruptive or violent or merely extremely annoying. I understand that what some of them need is the 'Fear of God" put in them, metaphorically speaking of course.

      Delete
  8. Morning TSB. I'll use some of your report ideas next week when I start churning out the 'what Danyal needs to do if he is to have the slightest chance of gaining any credits' PC documents. Enjoy your weekend, because Monday is never far away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't get too literal Richard, we want to retain at least some members of the Arts department.

      Is Danyal in Denial?

      Monday is upon us, I'm doing the relief already.

      Delete
    2. Good grief - doing the relief already. Do the teachers at NLHS anticipate thier sick leave?
      Or maybe they need to take time of to draft write their reports up.

      Delete
    3. Hiya VG, I always try to plan at least three days ahead, that way even Ringo-induced (or these days, Pompous-produced) chaos will not stop the even running of the school... Well at least there will be a teacher in front of each class.

      Why should they need time for their reports? One young lad has even been given a WHOLE DAY OFF to finish marking exams and prepare to write his reports.

      I used a solid, logical and methodogical system for doing my reports, and I finished 3 class sets in two hours. Aren't customisable comment bamks wonderful?

      Delete
    4. Yes comment banks are brilliant. Our boss has edicted a more personal thoughtful touch on ours. Ha bloody ha! Noticed with the last report round how the staff absences went up the closer to the report deadline.Coincidence? I think not. I've seen some very disorganised souls at this establishment. Mind you we have to use bloody MUSAC which is an ass.BTW the boss has warned us to expect major disruption with the rollout of pay system next week. All this inspiraton from on high is enough to make any teacher anticpate sick leave. All good forme though,when I get called in so often.

      Delete
    5. I love the irony; personal...half of the senior staff wouldn't even recognise a kid on sight.

      The pay is bothering me. See my next post.

      Rhe real problem is going to be reliever's pay...I reckon it's 50/50 that you'll get paid at all.

      Delete
  9. Children are indeed vile creations. Why haven't they been banned yet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've tried Steve, we've tried, but the little bastards always come back. We think it's something to do with sex, or bacteria, but we're not sure.

      Delete
  10. Oh, where can I get a toilet like that? Oh dear, heck, I think I am one of the Daniels of this world, a female one obviously. But, you know, it just seems so amusing :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe they're on sale in Japan, but why on earth would you want one? It's past sexy and well on the way to creepy.

      Please don't tell me that you're a Daniel. Nobody is that bad. Except for Daniel of course.

      ps Do you have a maggot collection as well?

      Delete

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