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Monday 24 September 2012

TSB gets into a Sticky Situation (3)


This is where things went sticky.

After applying the equipment, I was full of confidence when I started my next class.

At this point I should like to make clear that:
  1. I do not have some strange fetish and actually like wearing the damned things.
  2. My problem is a variable one, and I do not always have the use the infernal device.
  3. I always wear nice, loose boxers, (for medical reasons which can be called in general terms; crotch rot prevention)
  4. I like the feeling of absolute confidence, an essential requirement when teaching kids

Confidence

So I started teaching my class.

It was a nice class of Year 11s (15 - 16 year olds) and we were covering the Theory of Computer Operating Systems (OS).

My usual method in this case is to cover the main points of the lesson using a PowerPoint presentation, accompanied by explanations.

This took about 20 minutes, the kids taking notes as we progressed through the key features of an OS.

I had no problems at this stage and was almost unaware of the traitorous piece of refined paper and adhesive technology nestling warmly amongst my nether regions. 


As usual I did my presentation part of the lesson ensconced behind my desk, controlling my computer as we went through the PowerPoint.

The next stage of the lesson was where the kids converted the pearls of wisdom which had been flung before them into answers applicable to the assessment on OS we were working on.

As was my habit, I circulated amongst the class checking their work, giving feedback and feed-forward on their efforts, removing cell phones grasped in grubby little fingers (Christ, why can't their parents teach them to wash?  I swear I saw tiny green shoots appearing from the embedded muck trapped between C******'s fingernails, but I could have been wrong.  It could have been bits of dried mucus or pus from her habit of picking her nose and scratching her various sores)

Have a bath for goodness sake.

I reckon I must walk about 10 miles a day, circulating between the desks, which is why I have such a trim and manly figure.

After about 10 minutes, I became aware that something was not quite right.

There was friction where no friction should have been.

There was an almost subliminal tugging at certain sensitive areas of my anatomy.

What the hell was going on?

As I walked to help the next student, the tugging got worse and as I squatted down beside the student it felt like tiny little claws were mauling my delicate bits.

As I stood back up I almost screamed as I could feel hairs being yanked out by their roots, hairs which were attached to a "dangly bit"

I could tell from the feeling that the appliance had slipped inside my trusty boxers and a rather large bit of the adhesive backing had now firmly attached itself to the "dangly bit" and was exerting a pull with every step I took.

My students were then treated to the sight of their beloved teacher standing stock-still, now frightened to move and with a rictus of pain etched into his ruggedly handsome features.

What on earth could I do?

If I did the logical thing, the rational thing, I would shove my hands down inside the warm and humid recesses of my trousers and gently remove the bloody thing without ripping out chunks of delicate yet essential flesh and hair. But how would this appear to my students?

I could see the headlines now. 

PERVERT TEACHER IN TROUSER INCIDENT

or

TEACHER SUSPENDED IN DISGUSTING EXPOSURE

or even

HE PUT HIS HANDS DOWN HIS BOXERS AND SCREAMED said frightened and disgusted C****** (15) from Nuova Lazio High School.

Every step was now agony, so I shuffled back behind the armour of my desk, taking tiny little steps all the way.

For the rest of the lesson I tried to ignore the plaintive requests for assistance from puzzled students, and tried to maintain an unmoving posture.

At last the bell went and the students left, some giving me puzzled glances as they went out the door.

I still couldn't fix things, as my room has a large window which would let anyone outside see what I was doing and I wasn't going to get caught that way again (See an earlier post which detailed the Great Arse Scratching Incident of 2011.

I had to get to the staff toilet, but that was over 200 metres away.



I then had to make a difficult decision. What was it to be? Dignity or Pain.

I chose pain and set off for the staffroom.

Each step up that bloody long path was accompanied by squeaks of pain from me and by ripping and rending sounds (which luckily only I could hear) from deep inside my kecks.

When I finally made it to the safety of the loo, tears were steaming down my face and many passing staff and students had been giving me very odd looks.  I just hoped that they thought I was practicing my routine for the end of term show and was going as a geriatric and very slow Michael Jackson doing a bad Moonwalk, or even thinking "poor old bugger's had his hemorrhoids burst again"


Alone in a cubicle, I finally managed to remove the bloody appliance. 

I just didn't want to count the number of (very curly) hairs adhering to the bloody adhesive, but I knew, oh yes I knew that I had had the equivalent of a full Brazilian down there.

I am just very, very glad that my gastric processes have returned to normal and that I shouldn't have to use those disposable devices of torture again.

I wonder if I should keep a couple of rubber bungs in my desk drawer.

Just in case.
Just in case

63 comments:

  1. I laughed myself silly--not that that was a long way to go!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed my pain.

      Somehow personal embarrasment can by funny when looked at with hindsight.

      Delete
  2. I certainly didn't see that coming... Thanks for a good laugh.

    Next time you'll know to cut the wings off and then use duct-tape crosswise across the buttocks to hold it firmly in the line of fire.

    Don't you ever worry about the kids finding these blogs? Or do you teach them to use Bing, safe in the knowledge they'd never find anything on there?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't see it coming either, which was why I suffered. I'm glad, as always, that my suffering causes someone alse a good laugh.

      NO DUCT TAPE is going anywhere the "dangly bits". After that experience I don't want anything with the adhesive power of duct tape going down there. Ever.

      I'm not worried about my students reading this blog. They're all to busy on Facebook.

      Totally agree about Bing.

      Delete
  3. Oh deary me, it's not every day you can have a giggle over an ex-army Scot having difficulty with a panty liner attaching itself to his "dangly bits". God, they must use some pretty powerful adhesive for those things.

    So is the Immodium working then? You end by suggesting the original problem is now tamed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know the adhesive was that powerful, believe me.

      How our lovely ladies cope is something I don't even want to consider, but I suppose that as most don't have 'dangly bits' they would be considerable safer.

      I din't need Immodioum or even Kaolin/Morph. Things just got better by themselves, but I'm still very cautious when it comes to the time for "gas release"

      Delete
    2. Perhaps that's why 'Brazilians' were invented TSB.

      Delete
    3. Possibly Alistair, possibly, but I think other, more pulchritudinous factors are at work.

      Delete
  4. You would have saved yourself a lot of pain by shaving before putting on the nappy. Consult a retired porn star the next you attempt any innovations in that area of the body.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Old porn stars never die - they just go soft....

      Delete
    2. Ho Ho Ho.

      That's why the developed Viagra. Just ask Furtheron.

      Delete
    3. Gorilla_Bananas, that is not a pleasant concept and I hate to say it that I don't know any retired porn stars. Or even active one.

      And could I just add it's NOT A F*CKING NAPPY. It's a feminine hygeine appliance.

      Delete
  5. A nappy by any other name....

    So now you know, TSB, why the tampon was invented, hair removal by adhesive strip is NO FUN! Well, unless someone else is suffering.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IT'S NOT A NAPPY!

      I will concede however it may be loosely defined as a nappy-like device.

      Suffering in others can by mildly amusing, as long as no real or permanent harm is done.

      However, after having gone through this harrowing experience, I will never understand why some women get a Brazilian.

      Delete
    2. My dearest TSB...nor can I understand the appeal of a Brazilian...or waxing of any kind.

      Hmmm, reminds me of a couple of funny stories.

      Delete
    3. Go check out my blog in a wee while; I'm cooking up a surprise for you. Bwahahahaha

      Delete
  6. O I love waking up to a good laugh ;-) The kids asked me what I was laughing at, so early in the day (that was 7am, I've come back to comment) . . . I didn't tell.
    I must say I've had the same thing happen to me, way back; before they invented "wings" to keep the liners in place (not that wings would help on a pair of boxers) and before it was a criminal offence to have pubes! So I'm familiar with this eye-watering, random single hair plucking. Ouch.
    Thanks for the laugh though, once again, it was well worth the wait x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad, as always that my pain and monumental suffering gives others a giggle.

      I sometimes think it's become my raison d'etre.

      A the wings, I wondered what they were for.

      It wasn't a single hair, it was more like a crows nest.

      Delete
  7. I just had to look up pulchritudinous . . . Yes, I think you're right. What an education your Blog is x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, *coughs gently, looks modestly down and buffs fingernails casually on cardigan* I am a teacher you know.

      Delete
  8. Oh, thats got to hurt...I'll take your word for it though, I'm not going to try it out.Perhaps the other option is to take up the razor to finish the Brazilian so the sticky doesn't hurt so much next time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It did hurt. i didn't mention it in the post, but a couple of days after the incident, a boil formed where one of the hairs had been removed.

      That oain was much worse than the original depilation.

      NOBODY is putting a razor anywhere near that area.

      Delete
  9. I prefer boxers as well. I like my boys to hand free and swing with the breeze.

    You could have told them you were doing an interpretive dance.

    Dignity is always the last thing to surrender. You chose wisely.

    You should have included a pic with this post. Not one of your metaphorical pics. A real one of the "issue."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fresh air is good.

      Sorry TUB, but in my mind, dance, let alone interpretive dance and dignity do not go together.

      If I'd published a "real" photo of the issue I'd probably lose readers and even possibly a telling-off from Mr Google.

      Delete
  10. :-) I enjoyed this so much.

    I once worked (outside, 94 degrees) for the last two hours of a six-hour shift with a truly impressive case of what we call around here "swamp butt". There I was, black pants, white button-down shirt, serving drinks and hors d'oeuvres to some big wigs and thinking only of my poor ass the entire time...

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Pearl.
      "Swamp Butt"? *rapid google search*

      Ah, much becomes clear. 94ºF? That's 34ºC...that's inhumane. What diner could possibly enjoy eating at that temperature? I feel for you. It's the sensation of the beads of sweat running down into areas of sensitivity that is the worst.

      Johnson's Baby Powder can help. (and makes the user smell like a little baby and obscures other, less pleasant odours)

      Delete
  11. Oh dear, yes, I remember the days before wings were made. No need for waxing then! May I suggest what they call here in the states "Depends"? ;D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Depends"?

      Deep Ends?
      or am I just too obtuse to see it.

      Delete
    2. Here...
      http://www.depend.com/products/get-samples

      Delete
    3. Oh...*sobs into handkerchief* thanks.

      That makes me feel sooo much better.

      Do they squeek?

      Delete
  12. Morning TSB. Every time I see you heading towards the staffroom now, I will wonder. Has he done it again? Betterlet him pass quickly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Better not to even contemplate the whole sorry idea, better yet to provide much needed sustainance in the form of Laphroig.

      Delete
  13. This was a horrifying and terrible read..... I enjoyed every word of it. Stay strong!! Stay Brazilian!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi FTMOAM?...thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment.

      It was rather spine-tingling at the time, and I still have a quiet weep when I re-read the incident.

      NO BRAZILIAN

      Delete
  14. Appliance? I think I must have overlooked "Sticky situation II"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, appliance. Well, it sounds better than pretty little panty liners.

      Read "Sticky Situation II" if you have the time and the intestinal fortitude.

      Delete
  15. I am still laughing. Hopped over from Jacqueline's blog. Funny story. B

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment Buttons.

      It may sound funny now, but not really at the time. Stiil, if my little bit of pain can make others happy; who am I to complain.

      Delete
  16. Finding this blog and reading this ahahahahahahah xD

    Now I'll have to follow xD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment Alex.

      Ah, yes, reading about someone's trials, tribulations and gross pain can be really quite amusing.

      Hope to see you again.

      Delete
  17. I think your pubes did you a favour. By keeping the pad within your nether regions, they stopped it slithering out of your trouser leg and popping out in full view of your students. Now that would have been worse than the pain, surely?

    In future I think you should use feminine hygiene items for the following: they are much safer as slippers

    http://xe7.xanga.com/545d461bd2c33119022694/w85563245.jpg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny you should mention that Trish. I had already worked out a contingency plan. If it had slipped I was going to stand next to C****** and direct my leg under her desk, so the offending item would land there. Then I could just wrinkle my nose, point and embaras the young lady in front of the rest of the class.

      Not to sure if those slippers in the image would work after a shower, nor am I sure, after my sticky experience, if you could walk on the adhesive safely. Nice stars though

      Delete
  18. seriously toooo funny! sitting in the office trying not to make a scene with hysterical laughter. Note to self: read this blog after hours

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment Antiquity Travelers.

      Again, so glad my pain can keep others amused. I'll try and get into an even more embarassing and painful situation for your edification, so stay tuned.

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. Morning Richard. Looking forward to Test Tube?

      Did you know that you can grow colonies of pathogenic bacteria in a test tube?

      Be warned.

      Delete
  20. I found your blog from Cheapskate Blethering's awards. I'm rather amused and will be tuning in again :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment Scary Carrie.

      I'm glad you were amused, I try to keep people happy. Apart from my feral kids of course.

      Look forward to seeing you again.

      Delete
  21. Some days it is best to take a sick day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Normally i would agree with you, but seeing as I'm the poor bugger who has to arrange the sick teacher's cover and relief, it's just giving me more work.

      There IS no escape.

      Delete
  22. Hope the problem is well amd truly 'behind' you now TSB.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HA

      Ha

      HA

      Very drole Alistair.

      Not so much "behind" as in the forefront of my fears.

      Delete
  23. TSB, there is a little crunchiness on the edges but inside they are soft, light, and fluffy. I can convert the measurements for you if you like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it's OK Blether, I can convert from US to Metric, but I sincerely and fervently hope that you are talking about Garlic & Cheese Biscuits and NOT panty liners.

      Delete
  24. Shurely worth it to create a decent Michael Jackson moonwalk deep in the heart of Silverstream...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the idea, but I can assure you it WASN'T worth it. Never did like MJ that much anyway.

      Delete
  25. Well I think it's time to change the subject. Just got a flyer in my letter box about a missing ginger cat in the neighbourhood. Owner stated "He may be a bit confused as he's been an indoor cat for the last few years as we have just relocated from Kuwait". Then I looked at the owner's contact details. Ha - it was no other than our dear Ross.
    What a strange way to find out he is now living around the corner from me. And even stranger he like me and RBB owns a ginger cat! Well he can't have mine dear puss if Harry does'nt come back, but maybe RBB woudl eb quite happy to let him have Fluffy. BTW I will keep my eyes open for Harry. I do hope he is found safe and sound.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't even know the cat had gone missing. Better not tell Richard [of RBB], he hates ginger cats with a vengeance.

      Delete
  26. Well, THAT was entertaining!!!!

    We women have to cope with the indignity of sanitary pads that also have a tendancy to detach from your knickers and either trap your fanny in its sticky grip or ,worse, works its way up between the jaws of your behind to peep charmingly from the waistband of your jeans. Oh yeah *nods sympathetically* I feel your pain :-D

    Ali x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it Ali, I really didn't at the time.

      "trap your fanny in its sticky grip " you have such an evocative turn of phrase, I can almost hear the screams.

      I really don't want a pad to creep enchantingly out of my waistband, so thanks for the warning.

      Thanks again.

      Delete
  27. Proof, if proof were needed, that some days you just can't win.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alas, yes.

      Some days it's not even worth while getting out of bed.

      Delete

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