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Monday, 19 March 2012

Things I Wish I Hadn't Done

A few weeks ago I posted a little series, regarding "Things I wish I hadn't said" and "Things I wish I hadn't seen"

Just to keep the causal symmetry of the Universe balanced, I suppose I'd better mention the Things I really, really wish I hadn't DONE.

Getting up in the middle of the night and remembering that I hadn't brushed my teeth,  Trying to avoid waking my Beloved form her deeply-deserved slumbers, I put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and commenced to brush.  For your information, a tube of Anusol ("Preparation H" to any readers from the USA) feels very similar to toothpaste, but I can assure you from the bottom of my now-malfunctioning taste buds, that it has a very, very different taste and effect.  The good news is that my gums no longer bleed.

Do NOT confuse with toothpaste
Waddling into the hotel shop in a very posh hotel in Singapore desperately looking for a tube of Anusol (see above) to alleviate the pains of a 36 hour flight from the UK (via Aeroflot...Don't ask).  I didn't (then) speak much Singlish (Singaporean English) and I had to make gestures indicating the aches and pains.  Retired to my hotel bedroom and applied the soothing cream.  Has anyone heard of Ralgex (Deep-Heat or Mentholatum)?  The effects were not good.  I think I frightened the maids in the hotel with my screams, because they certainly didn't come into the room to turn down the sheets.

Do NOT confuse with Anusol
On my first trip to Germany with the school cadets, we were given the run of the bar.  Being a young Scot, alcohol was part of my cultural heritage, and as the drinks in the subsidised BAOR mess were exceptionally cheap (about $0.50 for a measure of spirits) I indulged.
I indulged in Rum and Blackcurrant
I indulged in Pimms and Gin
I indulged in Martini and Vodka
And finally I indulged in Creme de Menthe.
I suspect it was the green stuff that did me in.   I remember re-decorating the tiles of the roof (we were in attic rooms of an old, converted SS barracks) with copious amounts of lime-green vomit.  Never touched the stuff again.  Ever.

It's the creme de Menthe

I'm going on a bit, so I'll condense the rest.

Buying m'son a car

Telling the truth to the IRD

Telling the truth to the DHSS (Department of Health and Social Security) when I was made redundant.

Eating about two Donner Kebabs before a very toxic Vindaloo curry and 6 pints of lager in Glasgow.

Using a public toilet in Glasgow after the Kebab and Vindaloo without checking if there was any toilet paper stocked.

Staying with the same f*cking Building Society for 8 years then finding out that loyalty in business no longer exists when they refused me a Mortgage.

Buying 3 handmade suits in Bangkok without checking for references or being fully aware of the exchange rate.  (They still fit.  Even now, when I'm about 30 kg heavier.  I never threw them away, especially after I figured out how much they cost)

Watching my Beloved give birth.  Twice.  (I give eternal thanks to the Universal Principal that I'm a close facsimile of a male)

Giving myself a haircut at 2am after a night on the town with one of those razor-blades-in-a-comb.  The closest I can describe the effect is if you can imagine a cat with the mange that's been assaulted by a Doberman while catching a weasel equipped with both a lawn mower and a flamethrower.  There was blood involved.

Ah well, we live and learn.


  1. The first time I got drunk it was on Blackberry Nip and lemonade. Do they still even make that stuff?

  2. I still remember the first time I got drunk was on cheap champagne at a flamenco bar in Lloret de Mar in the early 70s. I still feel sick when I think about it. I loved it!

  3. I nearly achieved the last point in the last photo yesterday - I did the washing up ;-)

  4. When I was teaching in an International School in Portugal I went to the loo to evacuate, and found myself in a similarly paperless situation as that you've described. All I had in the way of cleaning material was a receipt (and no, not from a month's worth of stocking up either).

    What's Blackberry Nip?

  5. nursemyra: I'm not sure, we never had the stuff in the UK. However, I think it's like alcoholic Ribena? Thick and syrupy? My first drunk was when I got hold of a bottle of cherry brandy...ahh the memories...the SEVEN YEARS OLD???

    YONKS: Spanish champaigne...nothing like it, I mean made Babycham taste good. It would have added to the romance of a holiday in "For'n Parts". Actually, I prefer Spanish Brandy to the French stuff.

    Furtheron: Well done, you'll soon be joining the vast horde of depressed, henpecked hubbies. I bet you put the rubbish out as well, and hang up the washing?...first's a slippery slope...beware.

    looby: Yes, it's not a good place to be. That's why plumbers always have short fingernails.

    Not completely sure about the blackberry nip, maybe nursemyra will illuminate our ignorance?

  6. Blackberry Nip is (was) a sort of fortified wine made of blackberries. I indulged in it once or twice in my young days. Blackberry Nip sort of made whiskey taste like a girls' drink. Getting pissed on Blackberry Nip was a mean way to go.

  7. Blackberry Nip is (was) a sort of fortified wine made of blackberries. I indulged in it once or twice in my young days. Blackberry Nip sort of made whiskey taste like a girls' drink. Getting pissed on Blackberry Nip was a mean way to go.

  8. Richard: *gasps in horror* Do you mean you mixed that stuff with WHISKY???

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  10. Sometimes our brains need a good scrubbing.

  11. Why must we suffer at the hands of our own stupidity? Why why why?

    I've put nasal spray in my eyes. Ow.
    I've brushed my teeth with my husband's shaving cream- same sort of tube! Blech.
    I've sprayed cologne in my mouth. A desperate hangover with garbage mouth, and intentional but stupid. Gak.

  12. Yes, those are some interesting things which might have been better not to do. My downfall was at an office party as a junior, when after several drinks I was challenged to do a down-down of more than half a bottle of whisky. That should have made me hate the Scots for life. Unless it was whiskey. Who knows.

    btw - haiku left with Dan - great, but doesn't have the 5/7/5 syllable count which was decided on for this exercise.

  13. have made me really laugh and this is a very good thing on a monday......!!

  14. Laoch: Brains yes, but not teeth with Anusol

    Austan: It's because we're human.
    "To err is human" but why do we do it so often. Hmm, did the cologne give you any sort of buzz? That's the sort of thing looby needs to know about.

    colonialist: You lucky person you. Chugging a whole half bottle. Whisky/Whiskey who really cares :=)
    Actually I didn't mean for curmudgeon to enter it, as I didn't have any idea what the ideal form of a Haiku should be. I'll find out and maybe try again, if I get any spare time from this asylum.

    YaH: Glad I could help. Stay away from the Anusol. (it's Tuesday in supposedly sunny NZ, but it's cold wet and windy. Such is life)

  15. I have no idea what a donner kebab is, but if I ever come across one, I will give it a wide berth.

    My husband suffers from hemmerhoids--which I can't spell--so he will appreciate the anusol story.

  16. Patience_Crabstick: A Donner Kebab is a type of fast food very popular with the drinking fraternity in the UK. It consists of an extremely large (10 - 15 kg) cylinder of minced and spiced lamb moulded on a large metal skewer which is them mounted vertically on a rotating spit with a strong heat source behind.
    As it slowly cooks, the vendor slices of thin strips from the outer layer, and serves it to the drunken punters in a pita bread, accompanied with salad and a spicy sauce.
    It tastes great at the time.

    When I used to work in a medical laboratory, we used to refer to these Doner Kebabs as "Salmonela on a Stick", because if the vendor sliced a little too thickly, uncooked (yet nicely (for the bacteria) warm) lamb would be deposited in the pita bread.

    Thus the stomach pains and violent gastric reactions.

    Bon Apetit.

  17. Ah Blackberry Nip. I remember that stuff. My parents used to drink it - well Mum ddi I think.It came in a fancy glass decanter.
    I was only around 8 and annoyed my parents would not let me have a taste. At that age I did not know the evil and powers of alcohol.

  18. VG: I'll bet you know the perils of the demon drink now. What is it with women and Blackberry Nip?

    Try unidluted Ribena and Vodka. Worked for me.

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  20. This blog is getting too commercial.

  21. Richard: What do you mean too commercial?

    You were the one who kept on referring to Blackberry Nip

  22. I've just discovered that Blackberry Nip is also the name of an official Rose; a racehorse, and is still made by various wineries as a liquer/sticky wine. I doubt it would be as hideous as the old Montana version sold here in the seventies. Blackberry Nip also rates a mention under a blog about "Liquid that induced the worst ever hangovers". Hmmmn, so pleased I never touched the stuff.


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