I awoke early this morning. My Beloved was snoring and dribbling gently into her pillow beside me.
I managed to get out of bed without waking her, and crept through to the bathroom, where I promptly managed to blow all the light fuses in the house. (It's actually quite easy. Just flick the light switch until it starts to arc. I would also recommend wearing rubber gloves for this stage)
It's early winter down here, and it's still really dark at 7:30am, so after spraying the general toilet area (no more details. We've all been there) in the darkness, I tried to find the proper fuse box to start the fault finding process. Unfortunately, the fuse box was outside the house, under the front porch, so I shuffled off there in my dressing gown.
Bloody Hell, it was a bit chilly.
Luckily, I'd replaced the old fuse wire-based fuses with modern circuit breakers, so it only took me seconds to find and replace the fault.
Grinning to myself, I almost thumped my chest Tarzan-fashion.
Man find problem.
Man fix problem.
Man not good, Man great, Man is best thing in Universe.
Man, the Greatest thing in the Universe, had locked himself out of his own f*cking house.
Did I mention it was cold?
I managed to awaken m'son from his deep dreams of wine women and wimps (He's a child of the 21st century, so it's not really his fault.)
Actually in a brief aside, anyone born in the 21st century believes that no matter what happens, it's not their fault. It's all our fault, the oldies, those born in the last century.
Eventually got back inside to the warm, m'son resentful for wakening him by throwing pebbles at his face through the open window, which he has to leave open to allow the stench of rotten and decomposing socks to escape.
He showed real sullen fed-upness to me. Christ, doesn't the modern generation ever show gratitude to us for raising them in a warm loving environment?
Thanked him with fixed grin. He straggled off, back to his repository of bodily effluvia, known as his bed.
What could I have for breakfast?
I know, peanuts. My Beloved had opened a bag last night so they were then available to me under the inviolable rule of previously opened by Her, therefore now fair game.
So I sat there watching another superb Sir David Attenborough nature documentary, sipping my morning coffee and nibbling from a bowl of peanuts.
Then my Beloved got up, made her morning "eye of Newt and toe of Frog" brew, and came through to where I was watching Humpback whales devouring shoals of Pacific Herring.
"What are you eating dear?" she asked.
Me: "Herrin...sorry, peanuts my Dear"
Me: "I just felt like eating some peanuts"
MB: "Don't you think it's a bit early for peanuts?"
MB: "I wish you'd eat more appropriate foods at the appropriate times"
MB: "Don't you agree?"
Me: "Well, actually, no" "What's the difference between eating these peanuts and eating peanut butter on toast like I normally do?"
RESULT! Once again my irrefutable logic has scored a massive point differential for all of mankind.
I do know of course that this victory of logic over ladies will have to be re-paid, in full, with about 1000% interest at sometime in the future.
But at the moment it's worth it.
|It's definitely worth it.|