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Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Ringo and A Tutorial for The Curmudgeon

We had an after school meeting today.

When all of our little angels had been herded out of the gates, and after the minefields and electric fences were switched on to stop the little buggers from getting back in, the teachers met in the staffroom..

Let me just set the scene.

Envisage if you will, a large and gloomy hall. 
Uncomfortable semi-stuffed armchairs are lined up in serried ranks. 

The food vending machine sits in the corner, producing its usual slightly threatening hum, glints of forbidden chocolates glinting in its depths.

The hiss of the boiling water tap as the incoming exhausted pedagogues fill up their tea and coffee  mugs, desperately needed chemical crutches to support them through the 70 minute universe of tedium rapidly approaching.

The mind-numbed wretches stumble through the gloom to find some sort of comfort in the corners, the nooks and crannies, behind the support pillars, and especially up into bad-boys corner.  Anywhere even partly out of sight. 

For they all know that Ringo is to come.

Ringo the Retched (I know you probably think it should be Wretched, but trust me, Retched is more appropriate) is going to pronounce our doom.

Ringo the Revolting is going to speak as Genghis spoke to his hordes.

Ringo, the pedagogue's pedagogue (and you really can't get nastier than that) is going to indoctrinate us in his new method of REPORTING.

He has a SYSTEM.

His SYSTEM is crap.

But Ringo has learned from his past failures, and they are legion. 
The number of his failures make all of the grains of sand blowing and accumulating in the Great Cold Gobi Desert appear as the tiniest drop of pollen on a Bee's tongue.

Ringo has grown more cunning, for the Beast is so.
And the Beast demands sacrifice, and the sacrifices were given up, and lo, they were innocent, and they were naive and just formed.

And the sacrifices were brave and the sacrifices were noble, and the sacrifices tried.

They tried to explain the SYSTEM.

They tried, they tried, they tried with such nobility of effort that the hearts, yea even of that most cynical and twisted of that bitter and twisted group, softened.

And pity, that rarest of the states of consciousness utilised by that silent throng was abroad.

But pity was killed, pity was crushed under the mighty will of the assembled host, as were the hopes of the sacrifices, and their doom could be seen in their sadly glistening eyes.

They knew.

They knew the price of failure.

They had failed Ringo, and Ringo was a cruel master. Ringo would remember, and they would pay.

At last the fairest of the assembled throng gathered her mighty thews and spake to those assembled.

Laurus nobilis

Yea The Bay Tree spoke.

She spoke words of Wisdom.

She spoke word of Power.

She spoke words of Truth.

She said "What a load of Crap"

And the silent acquiescence flowed from the mighty throng, and Ringo was sore afraid. 
For such does the Bully fear the Truth, the Vulture fear the Eagle, the Rat fear the Terrier.

And Ringo bowed his head, and he spake.  "It could be better"

And all saw the shame in his face.
And all saw the hatred of the fair Bay Tree.
And some saw the smirk on the visage of TSB, sitting quietly in the Bad Boys Corner, for TSB was wise, TSB was experienced, and TSB knew that Ringo had f*cked up. Again.

The assembled horde departed, but they departed in confusion.
The decisions so desperately needed for the incantation of Parental Reports had not been completed and all was not well.

They departed in sadness for the sacrifice of the young and innocent.
They departed tired and dispirited, for they knew that another meeting was forthcoming and the doom was upon them.
They departed with the weight of failure upon them


Except one...

Except TSB.

Who went straight home, had a very large whisky and told his Beloved,
"Ringo f*cked up again"

I do feel good.

The Tutorial

A few posts ago, The Curmudgeon asked me how to make a concealed hyperlink in a comment box.

I tried 6 times to put the instructions in an answering comment, bu time, as the instructions utilise HTML code which is the blog itself.
I gave up then, but I am  not just a TwistedScottishBastard, I'm a TenaciousScottishBastard, so here are the instructions to put in the link.


  1. Yes, oh wise TSB, it certainly was a complete
    f%xk up. I couldn't stop imagining bicycles being peddled backwards.

  2. Last young teech, who has a reputation as being a bit of a know all, took a bullet right between the eyes.

    1. Yeah, I felt sorry for him, but he just didn't think things through. Never mind, his wounded and blood spattered ego will remind him of NEVER allowing Ringo to influence him again.
      Such is life.

  3. I tried to read those instructions 3 times to no avail.
    For some reason I can't see past the teacher.

  4. Did the Bay Tree really say it's crap? If so, well done Laura!

    1. I paraphrased. Sorry. I thought what I wrote was more dramatic.

  5. Nicely written, I will give you an Excellence (look for it in your upcoming report, which I imagine will be ready sometime in October when the flow chart is flowing).
    I will admit I was a little afraid of what my moniker would be but I like it.

    1. What?

      You like Anonymous CV?
      Thanks for the Excellence. I wasn't sure if it was static image, moving image or just f*cking horrendous image. Our reports are just starting now, as is a nice fight between Ringo and (as Richard(of RBB)names him) Mr. Pompous or Mr Braces. One is responsible for the contents of the reports, and the other is trying to make KAMAR reports work as he wants.

      But I'm not bitter.

      (See I'm not bitter)

    2. Now you make sure you keep well out of it and away from them. Offer them no help for taking away your MU's. Let the idiots try and figure it out for themselves until teh muck it up so completeley they have to call in the consultant - ah wait opportunity for TSB to put his old Kamar report hat back on and demthis time demand / extort large quantities of dosh to bail out the idiots.

    3. I am Anonymous, I was just too lazy to put in a name. Iy's Bay tree I like as a name. I think he forgot to put in the print runs because he thinks they happen by magic. I think there is plenty more cocking up to come and I predict a very public spat between Pompous (this name suits him best) and Ringo. Perhaps we can film it with our phones and post it on youtube.

    4. VG: I am keeping out of it. Just. I did mention to some senior staff today that the report templates had not been activated, which meant that nobody could actually start writing their bloody reports. I can't see me going back. For many reasons which I'd better not go into.

      LP: Now that's just plain nasty. Well done. I predict a win for Pompous in the short term, but I think that Ringo's a more devious plotter. He got me off ICT control, KAMAR , reports nad most everything else. I'm just glad that I'm such an even tempered bastard otherwise I'd cut his f*cking throat. Thanks for commenting, it's nice to have a visitor.

    5. Well good luck TSB. AS the song goes - Gotta walk and don't look back. In this case re the "shafting issues". You are such a gentleman - once again. It is only a matter of time before Ringo really pushed his luck to far with someone else who will crack. Will we see Pistols at Dawn on the field one foggy winter morning soon in NL???

      As for LP - one brave lady to say that in staff meeting. Just the perfect deflationary comment Ringo needs. LP deserves a case of wine to be sent her way. She will need it to cope with the onsuing chaos resulting from the looming great report fiasco of 2012. You got BALLS LP!

    6. Oh just had a thought- Will KAMAR deliver some KARMA to Ringo???

    7. No, sorry VG, KAMAR's good, but it isn't yet up to the stage of deilvering tertiary syphillis to his emminence.

  6. You are an inspiration! I tried the hyperlink lesson and it worked like a charm in today's post - which I dedicate to you! All Curmudgeon needs to do is use the HMTL tab before following your excellent tutorial. Big thanks!

    1. Ehh...I hate to say this but not quite. Those instructions were designed to work in a comment box. You are quite correct Tracy that if you switch to HTML mode you can use this technique tp make a hyperlink in the main post, but blogger has a tool called LINK to this job.

      If yoy wish to know, you can use other HTNL tags to add BOLD, ITALICS to comments The B tag does bold, the I tag does italics.

    2. That sounds interesting - but I think I would need a nice step by step to acheive it!

    3. Worry not, I'll add one next time.

  7. Does the href work on all types of blog? Some I think will go "whoa what is that" - or something technically similar...

    Brilliantly written piece

    1. The HREF tag works on all blogs using HTML, which is I think all of them, but as I commented to Tracey, it is designed to work only in comment boxes, not the main post section.

      Thanks for the compliment, I enjoyed the semi-biblical rant.

      Only one complaint. I think I've run out of bile.

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. It was me trying to insert a URL "Ouch" I must have put it in the wrong way.

  9. endeth todays sermon.

    Great post, I enjoyed your style very much.
    Cheers mate

    1. Thanks Tempo, I enjoyed writing it; a good vent makes me feel better. Sometimes a semi-biblical style works, but don't worry, I don't use it very often. Just when I'm hit with either Divine inspiration or Ringo's bloody attitude.

  10. nope....didn't get a word of that.....or the coments...sometimes I think i've just come through a portal into some other world.........

    1. Sorry YaH, I normally do two types of posts, the general ones where I talk about any drivel that comes into my head, and this one, which is based around incidents in Nuova Lazio High School. I try to keep it as transparent as possible, but obviously didn't succeed in this case.

      Just think of it as a brief description of the Hell we teachers have to go through.

  11. I need some talking trees and satisfied cats in my life...

    1. I've always been fascinated by the idea of a walking, talking tree, ever since I read LOTR. I want Treebeard in my garden.

      However, no matter which fantastic world I inhabit, I've never seen a satisfied cat. That is a pure fantasy.
      Cats are never satisfied, they always want more. Like politicians.

  12. You're a clever so and so! I'll be doing that from here on in lol!

    I loved how you went all Biblical on us for the meeting - that was brilliant. Think Ringo might be a candidate for a burning bush? I'm sure some senior pupils could be paid?

    Ali x

    1. Hi ALi, I thought you'd deserted me, being too busy reading all of those Mill & Boon books :=)

      Seeing I actually teach HTML to my students it's child's play.

      Sometimes I get all biblical, normally in the "It's the end of the f*cking world" style, so it was easy to adapt to "It's the end of the reports" application.

      Burning Bush?

      Hmm... You mean I should set Ringo's pubes aflame? (I wouldn't involve the students. They might not kbnow when to stop. Judgement is all in these things.

  13. It's good to be out of those boring/pointless/futile Monday after-school meetings and Tuesday after-school meetings and Wednesday before-school meetings. Although it is nice to be back occasionally, greet some great kids again, meet some nice colleagues again.

    But when I see my ex-colleagues I think, Nice to see ya, wouldn't want to be ya! I also remember from one of the great speeches of all time, Free at last! Free at last!

    (See? Bold and Italics - this HTML stuff is easy. I'll try a URL link nest time.)

    I was pleased to see my name on the report-checking buddy list. So glad to know I haven't been forgotten. I hope they pay me. Or perhaps there was shome mishtake.

    1. It was so nice to have you back for a while. Well, that's what the kids said. Strangely, they emphasised "for a while":=)

      Don't think that we all don't envy you, 'cause we do. Even though I really enjoy teaching, I am looking forward to the day when I can say "Stuuf it, I'm staying in bed" or "It's a lovely day, I'm going to walk in the park" or maybe in your case "Yipee, it's snowing, head for the slopes"

      I'd be very upset if you couldn't put those tags in, 'cause then I'd think "What's he been teaching them for the last 8 years?"

      HA HA...I'd better check it today. Anyting touched by the leprous hand of Ringo is contaminated, and probably wrong.

      See ya.

    2. Yes Ex-Clive. I fully concur - after 4 weeks back in the full-time saddle I am eagerly awaiting the end of my short-term releiving stint for my sick post-surgical colleague. She can have her darling miscreants back anytime she is ready, as I am quite over them for now. Golly I hope she does come back.


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