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Monday, 21 March 2011

I Love My Wife (2)

WARNING: This post contains items of a vaguely sexual nature, and may offend those of a highly sensitive and anti-heterosexual character. 

Any men who have not yet figured out that the WOMEN have the upper hand or how life really works should not read any further. 

If my daughter is reading this, DON'T. 
Log off and go and make his tea; you really don't want to know what happens between your Mother and Me in the Hours of Darkness.

[continued from yesterday]

I considered my options.  On the one hand, my transgression was not that (from my viewpoint) severe.  So I was late, not that big a deal.  But I had been late every day this week, and I had missed our Friday night swim (The family that swims together, clings together and very probably, drowns together)

I ran down the list of jobs remaining undone.

A Man job, seemingly
Lawns to be mowed (This was really considered a MAN job, and so it wouldn't count in balancing the Ledger of Life)
Dusting the high places of the house
Strip & Clean the cooker
Fix the little wooden chair

I'd vacuumed the house only last week, so that was probably not good enough for a positive ledger balance, and I really hated the high dusting.  (I'd bought my beloved an extending fluffy dusting wand for her last birthday.  What more did she want?)

Her perfect Birthday gift

OK.  The cooker.  It was a big job, at least 3 - 5 hours depending on the size of the grease, oil and carbonized remains deposits.  But I couldn't just rush in and offer, that would be too obvious.  I had to use subtlety here. 
(Note to blokes.  Subtlety is an essential tool in our constant battle for love, tenderness and occasional intimacy.  There are actually times when a bigger hammer just won't do the job.  I know you might find this odd, but it is true.)

If I just came out now, and offered to clean the cooker, then this would be taken as an expression of guilt, and under the strange rules ladies operate under, the credit value of such work is ZERO.

Subtlety, remember, subtlety.

I went away and got changed before we had tea, and thought carefully as I examined the paint, blood and other stains on my trusty Army shorts.  Subtlety.

After we had eaten, and as I was washing and putting away the dishes, I casually mentioned to my beloved that there appeared to be some burnt deposits on the cooker.
She agreed.
I offered to clean the cooker, thoroughly.
She accepted.


Come on, I'm a bloke, what did you expect?
It took a real effort of will not to use the 20lb sledge hammer lying cleaned, oiled and ready for instant use on the tool wall in the garage.

A bloke, using a bloke's tool, to do a bloke's job
Next installment.  Sex, and my beloved shocks me with her language.


  1. Your becoming a bit of a tease on this one TSB. When are we going to get to the nitty gritty. Enough of the foreplay already!

    {and I'm talking about her getting the upper hand here - what else did you think?}

  2. Hestias methods of redressing the balance:

    1 Breakfast in bed - including going out to get the newspaper of my choice.

    2 Fixing something.

    3 Taking me out for dinner.

    4 Fixing something else.

    That's ALL of the above, not a choice of one from four.

    Can I just tell you that in light of Tartarus's recent poor behaviour, we are now going for a sleepover to the Mariott Hotel, out for dinner and then a very late, very grown up Burlesque show (which he will absolutely HATE).

    *pops open another can of Pringles and awaits the rumpy pumpy bit*


  3. Alistair: Anticipation makes the best sauce. Wait for the juicy bits

    1. Yes
    2. Always
    3. Yes
    4. As always

    Choice is good, you don't want to do too much all at once.

    Mariott, lucky you. I'm not to sure about the Burlesque. I know you have a penchant for the smutty, but does it comply with Scottish Law?

    Rumpy pumpy? I know not of which you speak.

  4. I wrote a simple but genuine from the heart quotes found at I just want to document this post for my wife. And I was just thinking if there are blokes like me out there and I found blog!

  5. Allan: Thanks for dropping by. You might find some of my comments a bit cynical, but I truly love my wife, I just cannot keep it too serious. Life's too short.

  6. Great thoughts you got there, believe I may possibly try just some of it throughout my daily life

    Kitchen Equipment

  7. This is too cute. It's nice to know what goes on in a guy's head. I really never guessed. All this time I thought it was a coincidence when my husband did the things I've been nagging him to do for months after a little slip on his part. I suppose I'm very naive. I'll be watching him very closely from now on. Thanks for the heads up.

    Tracy- sorry had to comment again.

  8. Hi again Tracy, please don't appologise for leaving a comment. A little word of warning though. These are my thoughts and ideas, so please don't go blaming your bloke for something I did. Mind you, I have found that most blokes think alike in marital areas, so go ahead and blame him anyway, you know you'll enjoy it :=)


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