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Sunday, 20 March 2011

I Love My Wife

This post contains items of a vaguely sexual nature, and may offend those of a highly sensitive and anti-heterosexual character. 
Any men who have not yet figured out that the WOMEN have the upper hand or how life really works should not read any further. 

If my daughter is reading this, DON'T. 
Log off and go and make his tea; you really don't want to know what happens between your Mother and Me in the Hours of Darkness.

I love my wife.

I really do.


No Question.

But sometimes to quote a friend from Yorkshire, "She makes it bloody hard"
Nothing to do with the text, but a very cool picture.  It's a bloke sort of thing

I was late home on Friday, finalising the reports and the relief for Monday, and my beloved had been looking forward to going swimming, as we had previously arranged.

The report checking was taking a lot longer than we had planned, so I texted my beloved to let her know I would be a bit late.  The first signs of trouble appeared in her reply.  No XXXs.  We always suffix our texts to each other with XXX.  I know it might appear a bit silly and teenager-like, but we do love each other (normally) and show it in little ways. 

We hold hands while walking in the park, we kiss every time we see each other after having been away (trips to the toilet do not count) from each other for any length of time.
We ignore each other's little faults and peccadilloes. 
I ignore her always leaving the toilet seat down and her addiction to Women's Magazines. 
She ignores me always leaving the toilet seat up, farting in bed, in the garden and on the couch, drinking too much whisky (on the odd occasion) and glancing surreptitiously at pretty girls wearing tight clothing (the girls, not me) when out in the car.

So not getting the XXXs meant she was annoyed.  How annoyed I'd find out.  I wasn't daft enough to actually phone her and find out.That way lies madness, despair and the very strong possibility of physical damage. (to the bloody phone after I had hurled it against the wall)
I was really quite late, getting home about 6:45 pm, and I could tell by the small, fixed, smile my beloved was bestowing upon me, that she was unhappy.

We still kissed.  Even when we are really angry with each other, we still kiss. 

I strongly believe that even if my beloved came into a room and found me standing over a dead body (please let it be Ringo) with a smoking gun in my hand, she'd still give me a little kiss.

If she came into a room and found me standing over a live woman with something else in my hand she wouldn't.  She wouldn't because I'd be out the window before she could get hold of a gun, smoking or otherwise.  Actually I jest, as I have never even thought of any hanky-panky with anyone, male, female, animal or even mineral (including plastic blow-up fantasy dolls) since we married 34 years ago. 

Ohhh.  I had a thought.

No, that's not 100% true.  The very occasional thought, vaguely sexual in nature may fly through my mind if I ever spy a pretty lady (never, I should remind everyone, never any school girls.  Ever.  I mean it.  I may be a bloke with normal bloke-like thought patterns and reflexes, but I'm not a perve, I'm a teacher) but the speed of the thought's transit approaches that of light.  So I see and think C. (Bit of a scientist joke here.  You can read it up on the internet.  Try wikipedia )

So we kissed.  It was just above the bare minimum  acceptable to us, about 3 on a 1 - 10 scale.  She really was upset.

This meant I had to MAKE IT UP.  I don't mean lie to her, I mean do many of these little things that make her happier.  Maybe dig out the mental list of little jobs she has mentioned to me in the past, but that I had put-off, forgotten and ignored.  I had to re-balance the virtual ledger that was life, and I'd better hurry.


Balancing is important

Never, ever let the lady choose the method of re-balancing, you might end up in deeper trouble than when you started.

Examples of what ladies might want on their list of re-balancing options:
  • neck-rub
  • foot-rub
  • whole body massage using rare oils and unguents
  • accompanying them shopping for shoes
  • blow-drying hair
  • vacuuming and dusting
  • weeding the garden
  • walking the dog when it's raining and the dog has diarrhoea
  • going to church
  • discussing our relationship and sex

Examples of what blokes might want on their list of re-balancing options:

  • vacuuming and dusting
  • polishing our shoes
  • weeding the garden
  • checking the oil, water and tyre air pressure for her car
  • Giving the large cooker a complete scrub down and de-grease
  • holding hands
  • cooking the evening meal
  • going out for a meal
  • having a drink and relaxing (imaginary)
  • sex

Find out what happened in the next exciting episode of:  How the hell does this work?
Just a hint.  It may well include SEX.


  1. TSB (of RBB), you have few secrets left.

  2. Hey Scotch guy, it seems like you intend to chew some carrot soon.

  3. *pops open the Pringles and tunes in for next episode*

    Ali x

  4. Okay, I'm not going to stroke your ego any more. I just want you to know that I can't stop reading your blog now that I've discovered it. You are hilarious. I've been married 15 years and was nodding the whole way through this post. I'm going to continue reading but I'm not going to say how funny you are at the end of each post.


    1. I'm sorry if it's becoming addictive. I do try and write about real things that effect me, but I just can't look at life seriously. It's too important for that.

      Glad you're enjoying my little posts.


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