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Tuesday, 29 March 2011


Every time I leave Nuova Lazio High to head home, I send a text message to my beloved, telling her of my love, devotion and hunger. 
This efficient method of communication ensures we keep in touch and also that my Dinner is ready when I get home. (Please understand that this is in no way an order to my beloved to MAKE FOOD, just a gentle transfer of information and intent)

My beloved does not always reply; there's no need, unless she wants me to bring some groceries home.  So I wasn't concerned when she didn't reply to my text.

It broke his mother's heart
I was concerned when I arrived home and her car wasn't in the garage.  I also noted that my son's (he of the pierced earlobe and tattooed forearm showing a delightfully rendered image of the Mexican Day of the Dead with the addition of a Chinese script which he was told meant "May the Lord Bless You" but which really says "I've got a Bastard of a Cold") car was also missing.

I remembered.

I remembered that my son was staying overnight in Wellington.

I remembered that my beloved was staying overnight with an old friend in the Wairarapa (To non-New Zealanders, the Wairarapa is not some strange kind of skin infection, but a geographic locale 50 km North West of our home)

Too late
I remembered that my beloved reminded me to "Bring home your tea Dear, or you can knock something up from the fridge"

I was too tired to go back out and buy a carry-out, so it looked like the fridge was it.

One hour later, I was showered and on the couch with my feet up, our little dog resting on my lap.  The relaxed mode was aided by quite a large whisky, as I flicked through the rubbish on offer on the TV. Dear God, 96 channels of pure unadulterated crap. 
I was briefly entranced by the God Channel, as yet another American Evangelist screamed that we were all doomed and going to Hell unless we immediately sent large donations of money to help keep him in his luxuriant lifestyle which the good Lord surely intended. 

I quite like the God Channel, it's always good for a laugh.

always good for a laugh
I was getting hungry and headed for the fridge, topping up my whisky mug tumbler glass on the way.


Old dried bits of cheese wrapped in a stay-fresh plastic bag.
Decomposing bits of what I think were lettuce leaves wrapped in a stay-fresh plastic bag.

A loaf of bread
½ kg of butter, wrapped in a stay-fresh plastic bag.
½ an avocado, gone completely black wrapped in a stay-fresh plastic bag.

An unidentifiable piece of what I think was fish but was too scared to open the stay-fresh plastic bag to find out.
23 jars of various pickles, herbs, spices, unguents and what looked like a jar of mayonnaise, but turned out to be Cold Cream.
Sometimes my beloved took things too literally. 
She was also addicted to stay-fresh plastic bags, and was of the opinion that once something was in one of them, it would keep for almost ever, visual and olfactory evidence notwithstanding.


Comfort in a glass (NOTE:  No Ice, bloody American heathens ruining guid whisky)
I re-filled my whisky glass which had gone empty again.  There's something in the NZ air which makes whisky evaporate at an astonishing rate.

I could always make toast.
Toast and butter is always good.
Toast and butter and other things was better
I searched through the drawer where we kept the tinned stuff.
Beans, tomatoes, beans, beans, smoked mussels, tomatoes, bean salad, beans, chick peas, anchovy fillets.

Anchovy fillets?
That might go well with toast and butter.

I put a whole selection of things out on the work top and started making toast.  About 6 slices should do me.
I scrambled the one egg that was left and put it on the counter next to the other ingredients.

Quick refill of my whisky glass.  Where was that other bottle?  This one's almost gone.
I started to make the toast. 
Then buttered the slices and cut them into quarters, so I could try out the different topping combinations.
I've made a list of my toppings as I tried them, so you can always try it in the same order.

A little anchovy, smeared across the buttered toast with a knife.  Actually quite good, but a little oily.
A little anchovy with some crunchy peanut butter.  Didn't work.  Textures and tastes fought each other.
A little anchovy with Marmite.  Strange.  Almost works but incredibly salty.

Need more whisky to wash down the salt.  Back to making and tasting

A little anchovy with scrambled egg.  Excellent.  I use up two slices of toast with this mix.  I think next time I'll use hard-boiled egg, but it really works well with the creaminess of the scrambled egg.

Lumpfish Caviar.  Don't
Not surprising, this is the fish it came from.  Ugh.
A little anchovy with some Lumpfish Caviar. (I should point out that we've had this jar of Lumpfish Caviar for 7 years.  It has sat in the fridge daring anyone to open it and today was the day) Nope.  Bloody awful.  Large drink of whisky to wash away taste.
A little anchovy with some sardines.  OK, quite nice really, but a bit fishy.
A little anchovy with smooth peanut butter.  No, still didn't work, and too salty
More whisky
A little anchovy with smooth peanut butter. No, still didn't work, and too salty.  Tasted familiar somehow.

Maple Syrup.  Great with pancakes, but not with anchovies
A little anchovy and maple syrup and smooth peanut butter.  I thought the sweetness might counteract the saltiness.  No.  Definitely no.  But it had promise.
A little anchovy with strawberry jam and crunchy peanut butter. No.  Definitely and absolutely no.

No anchovy left. Feeling a bit nauseous.  Work top looks like the aftermath of an alien biological invasion and war. Off to bed.  I'll tidy up tomorrow.

Ha.  And my beloved said I couldn't look after myself.
Miss Reef Spain.  Where the Anchovies come from.
I needed some sort of link to a pretty girl.
And she's very pretty.


  1. I loved this Post. I'm sure that most blokes, home alone have done similar things. I discovered tuna and banana toasted sandwiches this way.

  2. Wairarapa?
    When I worked at Murray Robert's and Co. there was a guy named Robbie Gosney there who used to sell Gilson Brandy as being a local product. "Bottled in the wirewrapper" he would say and then giggle to himself. The Gilson bottle was encased in a fine golden wire mesh. Funny? Well, you had to be there.

  3. TC: Thanks. That's how we progress by experimentation. Not to sure about the tuna and bananas though. Might try it with anchovies.

    TWG: Ha Ha

  4. The Wine Guy, I remember that well! A great line!
    Twisted, I would have settled for egg on toast, with some cheese - I'm not very adventurous with food.

  5. It's only when left to our own devices at times like you recount here that our inner creativity finds the opportunity for free expression that has so much potential. No matter what limits are imposed by ingredients we know we'll find that subtle combination that will give us a meal to remember. It's just a shame that our loved ones aren't there to share in our triumphs.

    Whisky is as everyone knows, the perfect accompaniment to any dish and washing up is always best done at least the morning after if not just before the next meal.

    Lucky you.

    You have to love Spain.

  6. I could have turned water into whisky for you, AND I helped design that young girl with the cheeks. You should go to church - there are benefits.

  7. aaaaaaaaahg........I feel sick now!!

  8. Richard [of RBB]: Mostly I'm not that adventurous either, but I had a craving for something really savoury and mouth filling and I hadn't met Miss Reef Spain yet.

    Alistair: I agree, although I remember a certain experiment with turnips, eggs and Hoi Sin sauce that was a really good emetic.
    Whisky goes with everything, although I actually prefer Irn Bru with haggis.
    Spain is absolutely gorgeous.

    AJ: Sorry, I think you're on the wrong planet. Again.

    Young at Heart: I do too, after re-reading some of the combinations. At least I didn't try Anchovies and Ice Cream. This time.

  9. It's funny, I can open the fridge and decide that there is NOTHING in it and Tartarus can open the same fridge and knock up a 3-course meal.

    Anchovies? *respect*

    I will let the comment about the anchovies and the peanut butter tasting familiar go. For now.


  10. Ali X: It's mostly that way with me, unless I'm working under the inspirational powers of whisky.

    Thanks for the reprieve. I think.

  11. Has anyone actually tried Anchovies and Haggis?
    With plenty of butter?

  12. I duly clicked on both posts you recommended and they didn't let me down. You are one funny guy. I'm writing from Australia. Have you tried peanunt butter and marmite together? Spendlid, stragely enough.


    1. Hi again Tracy, thanks for the positive comments. Actualy I have tried Marmite and Peanut butter, and I agree it does work. The bad news is that we've got a national shortage of Marmite in NZ, and we've got none lft. We can't turn to Vegemite, that'd be unpatriotic. In which part of Oz do you live?
      We've been to Melbourne, Cairns, Alice Springs and Uluru. Love the country and love the people.

      See Uluru

    2. I live in Western Australia. I am not born and bred Aussie though. I am South African by birth.


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