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Wednesday, 1 June 2011

33 Years

Today is my wedding anniversary.  My beloved and I have been together for 33 years, ever since our less-than-fantastic wedding in Glasgow.  (See Weddings )  We have celebrated this event in many places and in many ways.

This year, as we have just bought a new car and a wide range of furniture we won't be going away to a "romantic"hotel or an expensive restaurant for a téte-a-téte,  We'll just be at home, and knowing my beloved, she'll cook something special.
I'm so lucky.
I really don't have a romantic bone in my body, but like most blokes, I've developed skills in pretending I'm romantic.
For example, this morning (it's 6:00 am here in NZ) I left a small bunch of flowers tastefully displayed in a small porcelain vase, and propped against it, a simple (but expensive) card with "I Love You" and "Anniversary" as the main sentiments.
*Holds stomach and tries to stop boaking*  (To boak: Scottish vernacular for the act of vomiting)
It must be working, because my beloved is still my beloved, and she hasn't killed me yet.
(Note to all women reading this.  Lack of romance DOES NOT mean lack of love.  We blokes may not express our love in terms of undying devotion, jumping crocodile infested rivers to bring back a single red rose, or even going down on one knee, re-proposing marriage while a gypsy trio (with Richard of [RBB] on double bass) plays romantic-type music in the background.
If we say we love you, it's probably true, and please just accept it.
Don't pry or try to find out the "depth" of our devotion.
That way lies madness and possibly strychnine-laced morning tea.

As I've said, we've celebrated our anniversary in many place and in many ways.

0. Mostly sex and champagne (0 = wedding night. )
1. Sex and a light meal
2. Went to a show, light meal and sex
3. Flew to Singapore, had delicious meal and danced in the Mandarin Hotel's rooftop restaurant to the strains of a live band playing "Hold your hot and sweaty body close to mine.  Acquired a liquor glass as a memento, together with a single red rose.  And sex.
4. Sat watching TV and eating fish and chips on my own.  My beloved was back in Singapore with very ill parent.
5. Sat watching TV and eating fish and chips on my own.  I had forgotten about the stupid anniversary and my beloved was in bed sulking.  No Sex.

6. In hotel in Glasgow, good meal, good film, and sex
7. In London for company function.  Great meal (and free) plenty of drink, back to hotel for sex, but I was too inebriated.
8. At home, 2 weeks after son had been born.  "Absolutely and definitely no sex until I had a vasectomy."  Said my beloved..

9. In Palma, Majorca with kids.  All sharing one room.  Had nice meal and plenty of wine.  No sex.
10. I was in a hotel in Milton Keynes on business, my beloved was at home.  I had a nice meal.  No sex.

11. Can't remember.  Probably no sex.
12. Dinner with my Mum and Dad in Glasgow.  Spent the night in the guest room with one of our kids.  No sex.
13. Can't remember.  Probably no sex.
14. Spent the night in hospital after minor operation.  Not quite sure, but probably no sex.
15. A classic.  Booked to see a stage show in Edinburgh, plus a very good Chinese meal and a night in the Post House hotel by the Zoo.   Unfortunately I was just back form a long business trip to Birmingham, and I was tired.  I fell asleep during the show, ate far too much at the restaurant and fell into a very deep sleep at the hotel. No sex.  For at least 4 weeks.
16.  Forgot.  No sex for a month.

17. Meal and cinema in Dundee. Can't remember about sex, so probably not. (Note to all.  Stay away from Dundee if you want to be romantic.  Actually, just stay away from Dundee.)
18. In Singapore to see friends and family, went away to a friend's flat to spend our "romantic" anniversary night. Please see the incident of the "Exploding Light Bulb" as mentioned at the end of the post Honeymoon Part 3.   Started sex but was shot in the arse before really got started.

19. Can't remember at all.  Complete and utter blank.  Probably means I got pissed.  Probably no sex.
20. I actually remembered this one.  Perhaps the large red scrawl on the calender in Crimson Lipstick with my beloved's handwriting and the words "Forget this one and Die" helped a tad. Lovely meal in Arbroath, night at home, kids away with friends, large bottle of Port to share in front of the fire, all was prepared for a great night of mutual satisfaction and excitement.  Unfortunately, we got  phone call that one of our kids was really unwell, so we spent the rest of the night in a hospital in Dundee wit a sick kiddie. No sex.
21. Can't remember at all.Can't even remember most of the year.  Think it was the year I worked selling dental instruments, which was such a boring job that I lost a lot of brain cells to ennui and alcohol.
22. I had the 'flu. Spent it in bed.  No sex.
23. Went back to hotel we used for our honeymoon.  I thought it would be "romantic"  It wasn't.  The hotel was worse the second time round. Sex.  Sort of.

To be continued.


  1. Well done, old boy... and you got sex most years!

  2. Congratulations TSB.
    Commiserations Mrs. TSB

    {What's sex again?}

    and word verification was 'doshag'!!!!!

  3. Congrats, buddy. I wish you many more.



  4. Richard [of RBB] Thanks old man, I haven't counted.

    Alistair: Thanks. I think. Don't forget that this is historical. I'm not sure what sex is now either.

    Sarcastic Bastard: Thanks, the more the merrier. Mostly.


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