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Saturday, 18 June 2011

The Finer Points of Social Etiquette 2 - Drinking Tea

Hello all you poor sad inhabitants of blogworld, Auntie Twisted is back to continue with my educational series.  My bloody nephew is still winging about my use of his precious computer, something inane like "I've got to finish my reports Auntie"  Spineless wimp.

Anyway, tea drinking.

1. Holding the cup.
Do not, under any circumstances hold the cup with your little finger sticking out, as illustrated by the handsome lad in the photograph above. It makes you look like a complete prat.  What on Earth are you going to do with your finger held like that?
Pick your nose?
Pick your friend's nose?
Scrape up some suspicious white powder and sniff it? (not while I'm around buster, not if you want to still have a nose tomorrow. Capiche?

2.Choice of cup.

No real problem here. Not a cup, not one of those pansy porcelain cups.  It has to be a mug.

3. Choice of Tea.

Any brand of good strong English Breakfast Tea will do.  I Know that the nephew and I are Scottish, and that we would both normally expire or commit Seppuku rather than admire anything "English", but in this case the bastards got it right.  (The only other thing we admire about the English is Joanna Lumley (for the nephew) and David Niven (for me))  Earl Gray stinks like an over-ripe flower shop, and should really only be drunk by guys who also like delicate flowers or double basses.  Always with Lemon and Honey, never milk and sugar. The rest of the blends available I would throw to the pigs. 

4.Choice of Additions.

Milk and sugar, or the Army way, extra milk and sugar plus condensed milk.  It's ingrained in the Army psyche that the first response to any serious injury or shock is Hot, Sweet Tea. (except for a stomach wound).  We get issued with a tube (like a toothpaste tube) of condensed milk, so we can have a good cup of tea when the situation and the enemy allow.  Lemon is for Earl Gray only, except if you get really weird and start drinking iced tea.  I always thought a cold beer or two, or even a Gin & Tonic would be better, but if you must drink non-alcoholic, then a nice cold, lemony and quite sweet tea would be acceptable. (still better with a dash of whisky) (almost anything is, except a Vindaloo)
5. Choice of Side Dishes.
Biscuits, Rich Fruit Cake or hot buttered toast with Marmite.  Biscuits can be either Digestive or Rich Tea. Only barbarians would suggest chocolate biscuits.  How on Earth can you dunk a chocolate biscuit in your tea; it melts, and the tea just does not taste right after that.

Well that's about all,I'd better give this computer back to "El Whinger".  Who cares if the school reports aren't done anyway.

Be good.

Or else.

Auntie Twisted.
Smile.  I'm watching


  1. My old Grandad used to take a flask of cold tea down the pit with him. It was the common thing to do apparently as it was refreshing for workers at the caol face.

    I like a nice Oolong myself occasionally but like you Auntie I hate to admit the 'English breakfast' hits the spot. I don't think of it as being English though which helps. I just put that down to clever marketing by the Indians.

    It might not be historically accurate but I don't mind that to keep the blighters in their place.......

  2. Dilmah! Forget the others. Dilmah extra strength is even better. Twinings is for girls!

  3. I agree with most of what you are saying Auntie. By the way, I think that you say it much clearer and with a bit more spunk than that nephew of yours.

    re tea. I agree that there hasn't been a Scottish tea (unless there is a deep-fried one I haven't heard about) that is famous. I however think that the English Breakfast is insipid. Irish Breakfast tea (either Dilmah or Twinings will do) is much better. It puts hairs on your chest Auntie, not that I'm sure you need any more.

    re cups. Spot on Auntie. Cups are for woofters. Mugs are the things. Dare I say though that the NZ Rail version you showed in the post is a bit passe. There are some decent, elegant mugs that can, believe it or not Auntie, be purchased from Kirkaldie and Stains that still have a hint of manliness about them.

    re biscuits. I totally agree. Why would you buy chocolate covered confection that will only dribble into your tea when dunked? No, a good old digestive is best, not necessarily McVities though. In the antipodes we do have some other brands that are nearly as good. Or, maybe an oaty slice? These 'muesli' bars are not for faggots (although the shape is rather suspicious). They are good, firm sustenance that benefit from a damn good dunking.

    re milk and sugar. I have heard that both can be dispensed with by the substitution of soy milk which has a natural sweetness and creaminess about it Auntie. Kind of like a young man with firm buttocks and thighs and lots of sap .... but I digress. Condensed milk is God's creation. What ever is better out in the wilds than a steaming cup, sorry, mug. of char laced with condensed milk. Brilliant. I always keep a tube down my trousers.

  4. Its surprising but the public do in fact need instruction on something even as simple as drinking tea.As regards the blend,may I suggest Yorkshire Tea as an agreeable alternative?

  5. TwistedScottishBastard here. Auntie's retired, pissed as usual, and I'll try and answer the questions/comments.

    Alistair: Yes, I understand the cold tea at the coalface; similar to the cold beer at the chalkface. Oolong? Oolong? we couldn't afford to OOs when I were a kid. We had to make do with one. and olong isn't quite the same. English, Indians, not a lot of difference.

    Second: Dilmah, maybe. I don't care about the brand, just the strong taste.

    TWG: Wow, hit a nerve here have we?
    Irish, maybe,but never Welsh.
    NOOD mugs are just the right size.
    Nope, sorry, McVities are the best. ANZAC biscuits are very good, but don't have that crumbling dissolving quality essential in a dunking biscuit.
    Soy, Soy, what a panty-waisted load of crap. Cow juice, preferebly condensed and sweetened is absolutely the best.
    Having a tube down your trousers is better than a tube up your trousers.

    Northern Snippet: Here I will say that Auntie may be wrong (There's always a first time) Yorkshire isn't really English, it's Yorkshire, proudly independant and bloody minded since 1640. Some of the best breakfasts I've ever had were in Yorkshire, (and the best pint before the bastards devolved Theakston's Old Peculiar)in a hotel just outside Thirsk. The tea was great, reallyhot and strong.

  6. Don't forget church today Mr Bastard.

  7. I never forget Church. Every time I think of it I get angrier at the complete waste of f*cking time you god-botherers spend kowtowing to an idiotic idea.

  8. I drink Yorkshire loose leaf tea. I have to go to a special international foods store to get it.

  9. Patience_Crabstick; Welcome again, (TSB writing as Auntie's retired to her pit, pissed again.) It must be really difficult to get loose tea in the depths of Virginia. For some reason, I'd always envisaged Virginians sitting on their porches, imbibing Mint Juleps, not drinking Yorkshire tea.

    Does every gentleman still wear white linen suits with panama hats?
    and do the ladies still flounce around in crinolines?


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