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Friday, 17 June 2011

The Finer Points of Social Etiquette 1 - Farting in Public

Gas attack (BTW, why is the queen wearing a lampshade from my front room?)
Hello you delightful people, Auntie Twisted here. My semi-spineless nephew has been forced kindly allowed me to make some contributions via his silly little blog to raising the level of etiquette amongst the poor sods who actually read it.

1. Farting in Public.
Unless you're royalty, don't do it. If you really have to, don't use a place in the open air. Save it for a more suitable venue, like a crowded tearoom, a packed pub on a Saturday night, or the best place of all, a crowded cinema, just as the entire audience goes quiet before an exciting/weeping/takes all her clothes off moment. If you can get the sound to echo you get bonus points. I remember a time in a barracks in Germany, when we girls had fart-gas ignition contests. (It's not just the boys in the Army that are/were silly) Gemima said afterwards that it was great, and done properly it saved her the cost of getting a Brazilian.

2. Farting in Private.

For the Love of God, what is that awful smell?
Does anyone really care? Good etiquette however demands you still say "Pardon me" even if you're sure you're completely alone. Walls have ears. It is also good form to fix a warning signal of some kind to the outside of the door of a room you have just "gassed". The sight of someone retching as the fumes hit their poor little sensitive noses is not attractive.

3. Farting Underwater.

Of course it does.

This is probably the best place for it. There's so much water sloshing about that even when you say the obligatory "Pardon me", no one will hear. You still have to say it of course. There are standards. One word of warning however. If you overdo it a bit, and the water starts going brown, it probably means you have dysentery, cholera, cryptosporidium or worse. If it does happen, try and get near some kids. People always blame the kids for making floaters in the pool. Then you can exit safely.

All the swimmers declaring "It wasn't me"

Well, I've really got to go now; my silly nephew is screaming something about "Bandwidth". Any comments regarding questions of etiquette will be answered quickly and competently. Any comments of a scurrilous nature will be answered with abuse, pointed sarcasm and probably a 7.62mm messenger of death.


  1. I've never even met a Brazilian!

    The word verification for this comment was 'messy' which I hope isn't an indication of Aunties potential retributive strategy......

  2. re farting in private. In my experience Murphy's (Sod's) Law guarantees that if you fart in your office someone will walk in immediately afterwards. You cannot blame anyone else for the smell.

  3. Twisted!! *heeellllp* you know about computers and that, right? My pc (windows XP cheap edition) is not booting up today. I do not own a boot up disk - I never made one *eep!*

    e-mail me on if you think you can help!

    Sorry to commandeer your blog for this, but couldn't find an e-mail contact for you.

    Ali xxxx

    PS - farting in public - the trick is to be able to let go silently and then look faintly appalled at the smell.

  4. Alistair: I have. Maybe you should, but it's normally ladies who do that sort of takes all types. Auntie really doesn't care about mess, unless it's in her orders.

    TC: Maybe, although you can always try to blame the guy who (might)have been in there before. "Sorry about the stink old chap, but Ringo's just left"

    Alix: I've emailed as soon as I saw the message.

  5. I let off a very satisfying resounding, buttock trembler once, milliseconds before a stranger knocked at the door to collect a DVD rewriter from me. Of course, said item was in the very room which I had just filled with my miasma, and I had to guide her into the fug.

  6. looby: You could always have tried the "We're having the place fumigated because that bastard Stefan has been keeping dead rats between the walls and they rot quickly because he keeps the heating turned up high" ploy. It's an old trick, but sometimes works.


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