|Gas attack (BTW, why is the queen wearing a lampshade from my front room?)|
Unless you're royalty, don't do it. If you really have to, don't use a place in the open air. Save it for a more suitable venue, like a crowded tearoom, a packed pub on a Saturday night, or the best place of all, a crowded cinema, just as the entire audience goes quiet before an exciting/weeping/takes all her clothes off moment. If you can get the sound to echo you get bonus points. I remember a time in a barracks in Germany, when we girls had fart-gas ignition contests. (It's not just the boys in the Army that are/were silly) Gemima said afterwards that it was great, and done properly it saved her the cost of getting a Brazilian.
|For the Love of God, what is that awful smell?|
Does anyone really care? Good etiquette however demands you still say "Pardon me" even if you're sure you're completely alone. Walls have ears. It is also good form to fix a warning signal of some kind to the outside of the door of a room you have just "gassed". The sight of someone retching as the fumes hit their poor little sensitive noses is not attractive.
This is probably the best place for it. There's so much water sloshing about that even when you say the obligatory "Pardon me", no one will hear. You still have to say it of course. There are standards. One word of warning however. If you overdo it a bit, and the water starts going brown, it probably means you have dysentery, cholera, cryptosporidium or worse. If it does happen, try and get near some kids. People always blame the kids for making floaters in the pool. Then you can exit safely.
All the swimmers declaring "It wasn't me"