An Extra: Seven Habits of Successful Pirates

One of my favourite websites is Schlock Mercenaries.
They refer to a book, the seven habits of successful pirates.
Here it is using pictures as illustration.
If it offends anyone, because of the gratuitous violence, then go away!

The Seven Habits of Successful Pirates

Pillage, then burn.
Like many things in life, prioritising is important


A Sergeant in motion outranks a Lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.


An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.





Close air support covereth a multitude of sins.



Close air support and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart.



If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.


Everything is air-droppable at least once.



A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.



Do unto others.



Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.



Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.



The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.



A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.



That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.



If you’re leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.



There is no 'overkill.' There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload.

Sunday is Bliss

Woke up at 6:30 am. Had a hot drink.
Read Richard (of RBB)'s most recent posts. Goodness he's a nice guy. I don't know how someone with the obvious love of music he has, can put up with the harmonic mangling our younger and undisciplined kids can produce.
Went back to bed.
Up at 8:30. Made breakfast for my beloved, snoring gently in the warm cloud of my fart-gas.
Bless.
Wrote a practice exam for my year 11s. They actually voted to have one. I gave them the choice, and the little angels voted by about 80% to have a practice assessment. They really want to achieve. I'll do my damnedest to let them achieve.
But not at the moment.
All school work is finished.
A meal of curried chicken awaits in the fridge. (It's real home made, Malaysian style, with plenty of chili and coconut cream.)
A quiet glass of vino while we watch the All Blacks do a clinical disposal of the Welsh. (Recorded from last night)

All is peaceful.
All is warm and content.
The rain lashing against the windows does not penetrate the warm and cosy cocoon we have created in our home.
I am at peace.
I am content.
But wait.
I feel a disturbance in the Force. The Dark Side is active.
Quick.

Go, Run and warn the world.

Saturday and Survived

Well we made it through a pretty fraught week. All kind of things were happening.
First Richard (of RBB) got the New Professional Award. Wow, we all bow before his magnificence.



Then the walking disaster area that is Ringo decided that as he has left early on Thursday (while everyone else stayed behind to get things correct and finished)he would get his stuff done on Friday, ignoring his allocated responsibilities.
You know, minor things; kids with knives, kids swearing at teachers, kids with dying relatives, kids stealing form the staffroom. It doesn't matter, Ringo remains inviolate. And arrogant. And a bully.

I'm not going to give too many details (to protect the innocent) but he just pushes people about as he sees fit, regardless if it's his job to do so, regardless of the greater benefit to the school.
I know that these (and previous comments) may sound a little bitter and twisted (check my name for goodness sakes), and I have tried to be as objective as possible, due to a previous competition which I lost, but this man is almost singlehandedly destroying the fantastic collegial atmosphere which was the main saving grace of Nuova Lazio High.
The previous Führer, now with the Afrika Corps in the scorching desert sands, made many improvements to this Stalag, and some mistakes, and I believe his biggest mistake was appointing Oberstürmbahnführer von Ringo to the General Staff of Stalag Luft Nuova Lazio.
Finally after I had sorted out various mistakes and re-printed the junior reports, I began to print out the seniors.
Picture the situation.
I don't have any time off.
I'm teaching senior and junior classes, who need constant teaching, supervision and encouragement.
I'm trying to print to the main printer in the main office. 200 meters away.
I'm using an advanced printer configuration setup to produce booklet type reports.
I get a phone call (in my classroom while I'm teaching)that the main printer has made a funny kind of grinding/crunching noise and has stopped.
After 10 minutes I get the message that it's restarted.
Repeat the entire sequence 3 times. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Start. Stop.
Every time it stops, we're not sure what has been missed, and what has actually printed.
While I'm trying to sort this out, my Year 10 class arrives. A strange mix of bright hyperactive, evil hyperactive, clever, dumb, super-hardworking, insecure, defiant, resistant, forward, precocious, mongrel-mob prospective, talkative, loud, gossipy, bad-tempered, and generally nice kids. In other words a normal class.
Non-teachers may find this strange, but no matter what you hear, the vast majority of the kids we teach in schools are nice kids. Reasonably well behaved. A bit more argumentative than you will remember from your school days, but basically nice, decent kids who want to learn and to progress.
It's the scum of the difficult 5% who stuff it up for everybody else.
In these days of complete educational inclusion, you cannot just throw these buggers out.
Even though they probably account for 25% of teacher time in trying to create a safe working environment for your classes, and severely reduce the attainment levels of the majority of the kids, we are no longer allowed to remove the sods. The MOE gets really upset if we fling them away.
If they acted the way they do in adult life, they would end up "as a guest of Her Majesty".
But not as a juvenile.
They're safe, and they know it. We can do very little to them as long as they don't actually thump/knife/shoot anyone.
However,back to reports. The end result was chaos. I wasn't sure what had been printed or not printed. When I tried to get back into the print room to check, it was locked. Everyone had gone home.
At 3:30 there was no one left in the Stalag from the Reichsgruppe.
Sod it.
We can sort it out on Monday.
Laphroig (thanks Peter) beckons.
New horizons next week. Onward is better.

T. F. I. Friday

This has seemed an extraordinarily long week. Normally I find that the days just flash past, but not this week.
I suspect it was the reports.
Even though I set up the report creating system, the templates and the mark books, and have to get the damn things printed, I don't get any extra time allowance to do what I need to do. Normally I don't mind, but several factors combined to squeeze my time management.
Never mind, they're almost finished.
About 14 of us teachers stayed behind last night to complete the proof reading. This is where we sit down, read every teacher's comment in every class and check grammar, spelling, accuracy etc.
We all can make mistakes, and it's quite important that the reports to the caregivers of our pupils are as accurate as possible. It's one way in which a school is judged.
We have planned that the junior (Year 9 & 10) reports would be posted tomorrow, and with almost 450 of them to do, the overworked office staff need most of the day to get them ready for the post at 3:00 pm.
At this stage, these reports are supposed to have been proof read by at least 3 people, and are just awaiting the hand-written comments of the Deputy Principal for that year group.
Now don't get bored and go away, I'm getting to the interesting bit.
Understand the urgency of getting them all finished ready for Friday printing.
Understand that the staffroom is full of people working feverishly on piles of paper
Understand the frustration of the Mums and Dads who want to be home with their young kids.
Understand the tiredness but dedication in everyone.

Then Ringo said he was going home.

This is the guy who is charge of a major lump of our junior school.(and paid major bucks for that responsibility)
This is the guy who hasn't been communicating with anyone involved in the whole process.
This is the guy who called in his two Deans and basically gave them the reports to get edited, and said you fix them.
You could say that rank hath it's privileges.
You could say that the guy had young kids to get home for (but so did many who stayed until 9:00 pm)
You could also say that this behaviour amplifies the deep and building contempt for someone who just doesn't get it.



His reports weren't finished; he'd handed piles of his work onto others and he went home, knowing that he was going to be giving a lot of people a lot of extra work to do on Friday.
Apart from anything else, it's deeply un-professional, and this guy is supposed to be an example for our younger teachers?

My goodness, if Nuova Lazio ever ended up with this guy in charge, god help the staff and kids.
Especially the kids, because the staff can always get a job somewhere else (and many already have plans), but the poor inhabitants of our valley will be stuffed.

Paranoid Thursday

Big and long day today.
I get to proof read all the comments from our years 11 - 13.
And print out all of our year 9 - 10 for posting
Plus I'm teaching or duties every spell.

But this all fades into insignificance when I start to worry about the spy.





He's new
He's clumsy
Doesn't know the rules
He has no profile
He's foreign, but with a seemingly good command of english
He's terse
He's thick (read the instructions/help for goodness sake)
He lives in a house with a grass roof (don't smoke it all at once)
He's Anselm

Call me a suspicious paranoid fool if you want, but I have the feeling that there's something not quite right about Anselm.
He's probably listening now.

Go away Anselm, leave me alone. I have my foil helmet, and I'm not afraid to wear it.

Deer Food

One of the reasons we came out to Godzone was to get some of that fresh, clean, organic food. Sold in country markets by rustic bumpkins, at increadibly low prices.
The reality of supermarkets wasn't a complete shock, but we found that it was more difficult to get game.
Game (wild animlas sold for meat, like pigeons, venison and rabbit) is sold in Scotland by specialist butchers, and we couldn't see any in NZ.
Then a friend of a friend told us he had about 14kg. of 1 week old, properly hung venison.

My wife is a superb cook. There is almost nothing she cooks that I do not like.
But the venison stew she made for dinner last night was something else.
Simply cooked (browned gently, simmered for about 3 - 4 hours with red wine (a 2008 Hawkes Bay Merlot Cabernet), juniper berries, bay leaves, onions and garlic)
Served with buttery and creamy mash potatoes and spinach. We ate it with a couple of glasses of the same wine it was cooked in (It might not have been a superb vintage TWG, it was actually a clearskin from a supermarket, but the wine was fruity, with a long pleasant aftertaste,
It was the best meal I'd had in years. The taste was so savoury, so mouth-filling, so absolutely delicious that I begged my beloved to write down the recipe (she's an instinctive cook) so we could have it again very very soon.
There's actually a little left. I'll be taking it into Stalag Luft Nuova Lazio tommorrow, as my contribution to the escape party's rations.
I lie.




I'm going to eat it myslef, to suport my meagre frame when we, the Senior Captive Officers, are subjected to an intensive interrogation by the Fuhrer and his senior Party members, as to our intentions in keeping the other prisoners entertained (and even educated) next year, when the EdukationMinistrie puts out the next diktat.

God, I hope there's some vension left for our meal after the interogation.
I've a feeling I'll need it.

Wet, Cold Tuesday

Global Warming?
Ha.
It's been a miserable two weeks of cold wet weather.
Everyone has the cold or 'flu.
So to cheer us up, we've booked a holiday in the Lucky Country.
Yep, we're off to Cairns in July.


Ah Australia. Land of Sun, warm blue water, blue skies, lethal jellyfish, snakes & spiders.


Will be fun. Then off to Alice Springs and Uluru.



At least it'll be warm. And dry.


















But back to good old Stalag Luft Nuova Lazio for another bracing day of education.

We were told at appell (see the Colditz Story) that one of our new Junior Führers had been posted to the Eastern Front. Not Stalingrad, even worse, Porirua!
Poor bastard. He's a really nice guy and a dedicated christian(but not a bible thumper). He'll be missed. He's always supportive, considerate and best of all he's bloody competent and efficient. When you look at his attitude to work and to his colleagues compared to his predecessor, it makes me worried that we'll revert to the previous distribution of duties amongst the junior Führers.
Ringo in power again? Shudder.
Of course the posting to Porirua will make a vacuum in the power structure.
Now the intrigue will start.
The quiet mumbling over coffee. Who will make the first move.
This time there's so many variables.

Will the previous Führer return from his campaign in the desert?
Will the acting ReichsFührer try to stay in power
Will ObersturmbahnFührer von Ringo attempt a putsch?
What happens when the Führermädchen returns from study leave at the ViktoriaInstitute.
What happens to the current acting Führermädchen.
It's like the supposed Chinese curse.
May you live in interesting times.

Almost as bad as our current motto.

Arbeit macht frei

Have a nice day now.

Mondays now officially suck

Oh dear,
the "something else" I had forgotten about in this morning's post was a presentation about a ?methodology? about behavioural control in our swarming army of proto-humans.
I put the question marks in because, as ashamed as I am of admitting it, I fell asleep.
I was not alone.
I know for a fact that HorseMan dropped off, because WhaihaiMan told me.
He actually told me that he was glad I hadn't actually started snoring.
God it was boring, and it was a shame, because behavioural issues with the kids are important.
We had a very keen and earnest young lady (with very good legs) from the Mainland discussing the new Ministry thrust.
In summary, (from what I remember between blank areas)the MOE recognise there is a problem.
The MOE does not want to punish the reprobates.
We have to model good behavioural practices for the little angels, so presumably they will copy their elders (and betters?)
It hasn't worked for the last 50 years, so I don't honestly believe that it will start working now.

Maybe I'm just getting old and cynical.
Maybe it'll actually work.
Maybe the All Whites will win the World Cup.
Maybe Ringo doesn't have a hidden agenda.

Maybe.

Monday, but things are looking up.

I enjoy reading Richard (of RBB)'s blogs. The open a window into an area of life which is virtually unknown to me, the music/arts area.
I enjoy classical music and for some reason Judy Collins, but Jazz has always been beyond my ken. I must try and listen to some again, I'm sure our tastes change over time.
Anyway, must get ready to return to Stalag Luft Nuova Lazio. Strange day ahead.
Apart from the usual teaching (my lovely year 11s and my mixed bag of year 13s) I've got the final report printing for the year 9s and 10s to complete, now that all obvious errors have been edited out. Then we've got the dreaded whole school staff meeting at 3:15.
Can't remember what else is on the menu, but I'm pretty sure that we are going to be harangued about student behaviour, staff slackness about dress (student and staff) and something else.
I love the way dissension in the ranks is handled. You get this poor innocuous young teacher who raises their head up above the parapet of apathy, then BLAM. Both barrels. Usually from Ringo. You don't cause disagreement, disagreement is divisive, disagreement is (gasp!) non-collegial. But most importantly disagreement is time wasting.
SHUT UP.
The rest of us want to go home.

Back to normal

Goodness,
what an exciting weekend.
Richard (of RBB) galavanting across to the Wairarapa in search of "blow" and a visit from the PC Police.
I was "encouraged" to remove a post I had put up on Nuova Lazio High, as it might have been viewed as slanderous and possibly actionable.
I agree with THE CURMUDGEON; there is a distinct lack of humour around.
What's wrong with using simple descriptors like:
"completely insane"
or
"as inefficient as a wooden spark plug"
or
"has the personality of a dead goat".


I ask you, do Kiwis have a decent sense of humour, or is being beaten out of them by the AUTHORITIES.

The Truth about Nuova Lazio

This article has been removed at the request of the Court.

Missing Thursday

Slept in on Thursday, too much work to do at Nuova Lazio. Mostly helping everyone with their reports. Saw R(ofRBB), he looked shattered. Probably doing to much "blow". Basket also looked tired. Day finished with the most amazing email from Ringo. Made me so incensed I added a new post at kiwidoug, even though I hadn't intended doing another until next week. R(ofRBB)s latest post mentioned the same thing, but he's too nice a guy to have a real dig. I on the other hand am TwistedScottishBastard, and I'm not.

Professional Wednesday

The day of the week that fills me with dread.
Not the kids (mostly), not the staff, but the PD.
The time of the week when we at Nuova Lazio High sit down and discuss new and better ways of teaching.
To quote John Cleese in Clockwise:
"It's not the despair, I can handle the despair. It's the hope I can't stand"

Maybe it'll be cancelled so we can do our reports?
Which is worse?
Well possibly this title I saw in Scoop.

School Choice Report Equals Bad Choice What does it mean?

and then in the article itself:

"It proposes giving the bottom 20 percent and the top 5 percent of students the choice to become a so-called “client of a learning broker mentor” attached to a specific institution or professional association. "

I have absolutely no idea what they're raving on about.

It must have been written by an educationalist.

Teacher only Tuesday

Looking forward to school with no kids. At least that's what most people would think. BUT it depends on what else we're supposed to be doing. Last time it was a big presentation on literacy initiatives, followed by some workshops on the same theme. Sometimes you really wonder that for an education system touted as being so great, and teachers being head-hunted for the Arab states, why the literacy levels of the kids who have just finished 8 years in primary and intermediate schools is so low. Probably like us in the secondary area, far too much has been dumped on us to "teach" apart from our core.

Remember Reading, Writing, 'rithmetic?

Anyway, today is mostly going to be about the NZ New Curriculum. For those not working in the education sector (and on second thoughts, for some of us IN the education sector) the main points are that we have to teach towards these Key Competencies:

Thinking

Using language symbols and text

Managing Self

Relating to others

Participating and contributing.

Sounds really good?

Yeah Right

How do you teach thinking? logic? rationalisation? meditation?

Using language? At last. Back to reading and writing.

Managing Self? Get to school on time, don't hit anybody, don't get stoned at school, listen don't talk, follow the bloody rules

Relating to others? Dont hit anyone, give teacher a cuddle and then get him suspended for improper conduct with a pupil.

Participating and contributing? Group work, co-operative construction...basicaly don't hit anyone and talk to me.

How we're supposed to set up our teaching to accomodate all these is sometimes difficult to see.

Because, we're still supposed to be able to continue our current level of skill transference AND restructure our teaching methods to get across and assess these Key Competencies.

Phew.

But I've kept the worst for last.

Ringo has insisted that we do a session on restorative practices.

This is where you have a meeting with a pupil who has just caused disruption/cursed at you/behaved inappropriately towards you, with the intention of rebuilding the interpersonal relations between you both.

Sometimes it works. It's always worked, even before they've called it Restoratives. There's always been a pupil who's had a bad day, been bullied before, had an argument at home/with boy/girlfriend, who's just snapped and said or done something out of character. They are genuinely sorry about their actions, and mostly a quick quiet chat restores both sides.

Then there's the ones who really don't give a shit. They hate school/you/home/the world. Restoratives are a waste of time in these cases. Get them out of school and give them something productive to do, like land mine clearance, shark wrestling or grave digging (from the bottom).

We will have to endure.

We are teachers.

We are highly respected and highly paid members of society.

Yeah Right.

Holidays are great

Since so many people seem to think that I'm just a winging whiney Pom (even though of the Scottish variety), I thought that I'd just like to say that I'm feeling much better.
A combination of using the emergency whisky reserve (just a blend, but in reasonable amounts),
a really long lie-in until 12:00 (O the delights of being encapsulated in a gloriously warm duvet)
Extra paracetamol
Booking a holiday with the light of my life to Cairns and Alice Springs in July
Additional emergency whisky and the addition of Stones ginger wine (makes a gloriously warming combination.)
Extra bottle of a reasonable Hawke's Bay Shiraz
I'm now feeling absolutely no pain.
Not really looking forward to going back to Nuova Lazio, but what the hell.

Enjoy.

Sorry if I seemed a miserable git before.
Sorry for any insulting/cynical comments on others Blogs
Shorrry for drnkking toooo muchhh.

Sundays stink.

I've got the cold, it's raining non stop, I've run out of whisky, Richard (of RBB) is having a real go at the universe, and it's still bloody raining.
Welcome to the ....wait, a light glows at the end of the universal pit of despair. Yes, It's true, Fflur has at last posted anothe blog page.
O frabjous day, Callooh! Calay!
Read on.

Saturdays are Sick

Well actually it's not the day, it's me. Itchy eyes, raw throat, tight chest with large lumps of phlegm being expectorated. Typical. Three days off, long weekend and blam, rhinovirus and all his little cousins get their timing perfectly set. Took dog for walk, lovely blue sky and sun on the back of the neck.
Back home, hot toddy, bed.

Fridays can be good

Friday at last, but not a completely normal Friday.
Today is report day, when I start printing our junior school reports. This is not a simple job of just pushing a couple of buttons, I've got to go through quite an involved process configuring KAMAR and printers to work in harmony (reminds me of a 70s song, the title of which has gone) and constanly checking the output. KAMAR (the all-powerfull) demands constant sacrifice, so I've got to keep checking the stuff coming of the printer is correct. KAMAR (the capricious) does some odd things if not placated. Last year I thought I'd had enough of the constant ministrations, so clicked the buttons to print of the whole school. Oh Dear, KAMAR (the mighty) was not amused, the printouts came out OK, but in a scrambled order, all the form classes mixed up in the year groups. I do it now class by class.
Today is another of my "heavy" days, with the same 4 classes from yesterday. I know some of you out there will laugh lightly about a 4 spell day being thought of as heavy, but when you have one of your teachers off with morning sickness, and one away to the UK, so you have to ensure that some work is available for the classes, and you have the reports to complete, believe me, it's heavy.
Lastly I'm not feeling to well. I'm developing the sore throat, chesty cough and sore eyes which seem to be indicative of the Nuova Lazio bug. Absolutely bloody perfect timing. Why do I always get sick just before a long weekend. Is it dedication to the job. I don't think so. I've obviously pissed off one of the Kiwi Gods. I'll make much sacrifce of whisky and then feel better. (In this context, sacrifice means drink)

Thursdays are worse

Not looking forward to today. I'm teaching 4 spells, and I've got my very stroppy year 10s to look forward to. Strange how the classes vary. I teach 2 year 10 classes, one of them is the most pleasant group of young people you could imagine, the other is made up of about 8 kids who want to learn, about 4 or 5 who really have no idea which planet they're on, and the remainder are the biggest bunch of multiply disruptive, scum-sucking bottom feeders you would never wish to meet.

Such are the joys of teaching.
And I've got to take my car into the garage to get the steering fixed, and set up the reports for the whole school to get printed tomorrow morning.
At least it's stopped raining.

Wednesdays suck

Another cold wet day in this South Pacific paradise.

It reminds me so much about Scotland that I am beginning to feel depressed. Even a glass or more of whisky does no more than produce a slight internal warmth.

If I'd wanted cold rain, grey skies, bolshy kids and writing reports, I could have stayed teaching in Haggis Land, at least over there we actually know how to heat and insulate our dwellings, and I would be paid considerably more than the peanuts the give teachers here.

An experienced teacher in Scotland would be getting about 35,000 sterling, about $80,000, and a HOF about 45,000 sterling, about$98,000.

But what makes Wednesdays really suck is the subtle torture called Professional Development.

Every Wednesday morning, 10 minutes before our normal start in Nuova Lazio High we all meet to be harangued about the latest teaching methodologies, research driven pedagogies and other unattractive piles of pseudo-educational crap.

Most of us just want to slowly awaken with a cup of coffee and a pleasant chat to a colleague, maybe even about teaching.

But no, we have to sit there and take it, even show some sort of enthusiasm. The levels of hypocrisy reach world record concentrations, while we sit there and mumble appropriate comments like;

Never thought of that

Brilliant research

That would fit in with my research driven teaching in 9NL

Useful Literacy strategy.

But what we're really thinking is;

What a load of tosh

God, I wish she'd shut up and let me finish my reports

Hmmm, Miss Chocolate Sauce is wearing a very tight T-shirt

and other normal reactions.

Occasionally a gem appears amongst the pedagogical swill, but rarely. It doesn't make up for the pure intellectual drudgery.

Ah well, back to the report writing, only 2 days left and then I've got to print the things, then proof-read them.

Yes we can't trust our colleagues.

Here at Stalag Luft Nuova Lazio,

all of the professional comments, written by qualified teachers, all with degrees, diplomas and doctorates have to be checked that spelling and grammar are correct.

What's really depressing is that the checking is needed. Some of my colleagues couldn't spell their way out of a paper bag, even using electronic report system with built in spellchecking. It's mostly the younger teachers, but many older ones as well.

Back to the chalkface, if it hasn't been washed away with this bloody rain.