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Wednesday, 28 December 2011

The Art of Shopping

To put it simply, guys don't shop.

Yes, I've said it.

Guys don't shop; Guys BUY

We want.  We see.  We buy.

Last night I mentioned to my Beloved (Honestly, after 35 glorious years, you'd think I'd learn) that a shop in Petone (which in Māori means roughly the end of the beach, or rather more colloquially, That bit of Shit Land we Sold to the Pākehā) called NOOD (New Objects of Design/Desire) was having a sale of cutlery, and our basic everyday set was beginning to fall apart (we can't complain, they were $7 for a complete set of 24, 3 years ago from Kathmandu).

I also mentioned that I would be needing a new brown leather trouser belt for next year, as my old one was becoming a bit worn.

Right I thought, two shops, two purchases, and then home to a refreshing glass of ice cold TsingTao beer.


Poor Fool that I am.

Before I start the Saga of the Shop, I should also like to mention that I am a 5th Dan in the Art of Zen Shopping.

1st Dan: The ability to accompany the BELOVED on a shopping trip, with no outright complaint.  Whining starts after 15 minutes.  Hands in pockets, looks bored.

2nd Dan: The ability to accompany the BELOVED on a shopping trip, with no outright complaint.  Whining starts after 45 minutes. Hands in pockets, looks mostly bored.

3rd Dan: The ability to accompany the BELOVED on a shopping trip, with no complaint.  No whining.  Hands clasped behind small of back, looks slightly dazed.

4th Dan: The ability to accompany the BELOVED on a shopping trip.  Whining does not exist in my mental state. Hands kept loosely at side, blank expression.

5th Dan: Can accompany the BELOVED anywhere.  What is this thing called whining?
Walks smoothly using the expression of the Cricket and the Climbing Stork.  Possesses the ability to meditate while muttering "That looks good Dear" and "Yes, My Darling"and *gag* "That colour suits you Dear"  The ability to ignore all other visual stimuli is growing.  Nubile semi-clad females have only a limited attraction.

6th Dan: "Yes Dear", "We shall go".  Moves with the expression of the "Hovering Snail" and "Bulbous Eyed Frog".  Always agrees with the BELOVED.  Takes a 38DD cup and a WonderBra to cause loss of the zero-state meditation. Can influence the BELOVED to STOP BUYING, well at least 25% of the time.

7 Dan:  Nobody know, it's never been reached and recorded.  It's rumoured that the male who reaches the 7 Dan is automatically a woman, and is therefore of no more interest.  Unless He/She observes a 48DDD.

Unfortunately, we set off to Petone.  I thought we were going to NOOD to look at the cutlery, but after we'd parked my beloved mentioned she wanted to go to Kathmandu after because they had a 60% sale on.

Strolled through NOOD. The cutlery was crap.  Cheap but crap.

My Beloved bought:
4 fragrant candles
12 humerous fridge magnets
A mixing bowl, to add to the collection of 127½ bowls sitting in the kitchen cupboards.
A mug with a humerous inscription
A soup bowl of an unusual design that my Beloved thought would make a nice sauce boat (we already have 4, AND she used an old soup bowl to serve the bread sauce on Christmas Day. Go Figure)
2 silicon rubber mini gloves, in the shape of a Pig and a Cow for handling hot dishes from the oven.  We already have 2 sets of oven gloves, but what the Hell.

I managed to dissuade my Beloved from buying:
A perspex kitchen knife holder with perspex handled knives.
A photo frame in the shape of an American School Bus.
A rattan footstool priced at $129

We finally left, and deposited the bought items in the car. No cutlery; it was crap.

Then we went to Kathmandu.

I managed to dissuade my Beloved from buying:
A large Tent at $450
2 collapsible lounging chairs at $129 each.
A collapsible hammock and frame at $129
A portable wash stand (because it looked cute) at $119

As I dragged her away, she (casually mentioned) a burning need for at least 4 new cotton tops.

So we went to the major shopping mall in Lower Hutt.

It was at this point that I immediately switched to all of the powers allowed by the attainment of the 5th Dan.
Zoned Out, Man

I switched off, and meditated on a piece of woodwork I was planning for the New Year.

I was so successful in my meditation that I think I walked right on past a colleague at NLHS.  Sorry Tanya, it wasn't my fault.

I spotted the belt I wanted, picked it up and resumed the meditative state.

I re-entered normal reality just as I got back into my car.


My Beloved had a very large bag full of crap shit junk clothes that she had bought.  I wasn't aware of the passage of time.

No cutlery, it was crap.

I really need to study more, so I can use the power of my mind to "persuade" my Beloved to STOP BUYING.

Got home.

Must remember to go out and buy some cutlery THAT WE REALLY NEED sometime tomorrow.

On my own.

I should also like to point out that the belt I chose, and bought, was absolutely identical to the belt I had bought 4 years previously.

My taste (in the words of my Beloved) may be shit, but at least it's consistent.


  1. I got down to 'Poor Fool that I am' and thought.....

    Aye, that'll be literally!!

    Why d'you need a belt TSB? She obviously wears the breeks!!!


  2. You should have taken your toy helicopter on the expedition. At least it would have passed some time.

  3. Alistair: Ha Ha. I need a belt touse on the students. Didn't you ever get the belt at school?

    Ricahrd[of RBB]: It's not a toy, it's a remote controlled rotary flight evaluation model.Time wasn't the problem as I had put myself into the 5th Dan meditative state called "The Look of Ringo"

  4. I think your beloved is actually the one wearing the Black Belt and trousers here - she wore you down in the first shops by confronting you with random items she didn't really want (like portable washstands and perspex knife blocks). This caused you to expend all your defence energy early in the fight. Once your brain is exhausted and finally knocked off balance, she takes advantage of your trance-like state to buy whatever she really wants.

  5. Shackleford Hurtmore; Possibly, possibly, but then I wouldn't say so,would I?

    My defence energy is quite fine thank you very much, and my Beloved can take advantage of me as many times as she likes. As long as my Viagra holds out (I'm not a young man you know)

  6. Men don't understand that you can never have too many mixing bowls.

    Actually, in our house, it's my husband who goes out and buys tons of crap. If he has a day off from work and is running around unsupervised, with a credit card, watch out.

  7. Patience_Crabstick: Ah, I see. Mixing Bowls are like shoes?

    Please define the crap your hubby buys. If it involves model aircraft or tools, then it's not crap. (or any other kind of toy really)

  8. Sometimes I think "Thank fuck I'm single, and poor".

  9. looby: Yes, I can see the advantages. AND the disadvantages.

    Actually, if my Beloved ever sees and reads this blog, I may be joining you in your present state of impoverished singularity.


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