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Saturday, 31 December 2011

Farts and Friends

We all fart.

I do believe that men fart more than women, but I could be wrong.

Because mostly, men don't hide the fact that they fart (exception, see #9), and women do tend to pretend that farts do not belong to them.

Here are some fart categories, (Not optimised for the subtleties of Ham Farts, they're for the advanced categories)

#1 The Zephyr.  Almost indistinguishable from a very gentle breeze blowing over a pot of cooking cabbage, the Zephyr causes more consternation than any other type, purely because of the Heisenberg (Uncertainty) Factor.  (Did he/she?, or didn't he/she?)  Most useful in cocktail parties (or the class room), where it creates that air of paranoia essential to a truly civilized gathering.  Actually, it can be so gentle and quiet that no-one is sure whether they did or didn't. No discernible physiological effect on the recipient.

#2 The Gentle Breeze.  Very similar to #1, but with an added sulphur (sulfur to our spelling challenged American readers.  Get it right next time please) content, giving just that hint of acid acridity. Virtually noiseless, so useful in encouraging overstaying visitors to leave before it's too late.  Causes nostril twitching and a slight dry spasm at the back of the throat.

#3 The Gust.  A short sharp shock, like a slap in the face.  Strikes without warning, so it's a surprise to both donor and recipient. Reminiscent of a gently decomposing ferret, but the stench passes by so quickly the source and the quality of the odour is difficult to perceive.  Causes mild but transient nausea.
Better out than in.

#4 The Miasma.  A persistent and nasty one. This seeps gently from the orifice but it has a clinging and cloying characteristic.  Not particularly pungent, but its longevity makes it really noticeable. Causes dry retching in ladies, and sniffs of appreciation in males.

#5 The Signature.  Purely a male release. Used to mark their territory/females/toys/garages/sheds/ and most importantly, beds.  Usually released last thing at night under the covers (but after sex, if any) to thoroughly mark "his" property.  Ladies have been known to faint, but blokes just breath deeply and smile knowingly.

Marking territory

All of the above are "normal" gaseous releases, but under certain conditions, some pathological characteristics have been known to be presented.

#6 The Vindaloo.  The name speaks for itself.  Post partaking of  Indian subcontinent cuisine, this incredibly hot and acrid release can rot boxers, destroy toilet pans and ruin relationships. Strangely, one of the few types which cause simultaneous retching and eye irritation in both sexes.

Post Vindaloo excretion

#7 The Gut Rot Special.  This one is almost beyond imagination. Normally  preceded by and followed with copious diarrhoea, this stench causes immediate eye-watering, throat constriction and dry and wet retching (In the Scottish vernacular, "It gies ye the boak!")  Has been know to cause temporary blindness.

And now for some real oddities.

#8 The Walking Wobbitor.  Strikes without any sign.  Out of the blue, every step you take results in a loud release.  Also called the Syncopation Special.  Produces a rhythmic aural effect.  Main effect is an almost subliminal giggling in producer and receptor.

Always on the beat

#9 The Acid Rain.  So incredibly vile, it uniquely causes retching in producer and receptor.  Has been referred to as "The refined essence of a decomposing old goat" (See Butyl Mercaptan)  Unknown etiology, but there is some evidence it may relate to excessive alcohol consumption.  It's so bad that even blokes won't own up to it.  Must have been the dog/cat/budgie/Wife/Son/Daughter etc.

It smells like WHAT?

#10 The Gentle Glow.  ONLY produced very quietly by females (also known as the Stealth Stench).  It has the unusual effect of being rather noisome to blokes, but women swear it's more like a good Givenchy.

She did.

#11 The Dreaded Shart.  What can I say?  It's a mixture of... no, I cannot go on.. My intrinsic good taste demands that I cease.  I leave it to the fevered, if not febrile imaginations of you, Dear reader, to make up your own minds what this refers to.

#12 The Bubbler. 'Nuff said.
Too gross for any mention.

#13 The Ultimate.  It's effect has never been recorded as there are never any survivors.  Theorised that it may have a composition close to VX gas.

Rest in Peace Dear Friends.

I do have a source of reliable NATO standard Gas Masks if required.

Just send your Visa/Master card details to me, and I'll take care of the rest.

For those with special problems, I also have access to a supply of Specialised Fart Silencers.
WARNING they do NOT reduce the olfactory challenge, but they make it feasible to refute claims of who is the originator.

Choose your colours.

Yes, yes, I know the title said Farts and Friends, but lets face it, if you fart, you don't have any friends.


  1. As someone who has experienced a shart in her tweed trousers AND who lives with a merchant navy engineer who likes his curries - I can vouch for the validity of each and every one of these.

    Separate bedrooms. It's the only answer.

    Happy New Year TSB!

    Ali x

  2. Hi Ali x,
    sorry to hear about your poor tweed trousers.
    I knew Tartarus was in the Merchant navy engineer, but not that he liked curries.

    Does that mean his *coughs politely* emissions are oil-scented?

    My Beloved says tnat it doesn't matter where I sleep, the stench permeates the whole house.

    Mind you she said that at 2:30 in the morning, and I think she was a shade testy from lack of sleep caused by my 200 decibel snoring.

    Hope 2012 will be good for you, Tartarus and Shonshine (plus Kevin, if he still survives)

  3. BDM: Sometimes. It really depends on the #number. What's your favourite?

  4. The smear on the sheet when he hoists himself out of bed in the morning. That one doesn't live here any more.

  5. That was funny. I'm about to have a liasion with a woman of my acquaintance and I've already let go a massive noisone guff while I've been on the phone to her, which I'm sure she must have heard. We're probably going to be in bed in 24 hours and I've *got* to remember that opening the duvet and releasing an arse rippling trump doesn't always go down well with a new girlfriend.

  6. BDM: Ewww!. Did your ex-significant other never wear any sort of protection?

    I do.

    My Beloved makes me.

    Seemingly, skid marks on the sheets are counter-feminine.

    Beats me.

    looby: Come on, make a stand for masculine prerogatives.
    Make your mark.(figuratively speaking of course)


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