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Monday, 23 April 2012

Looking Forward to Retirement

Unfortunately, today, I go back to school.  The last two weeks have been mostly pleasant, consisting in the main of long periods of sleep with extra dozing, eating, drinking, reading and lying in the sun.

Of course I still had to do my share of the housework, but that didn't really reduce my overall happiness index.

Until last night.

As I was finishing the ironing (look, I may sound like a typical henpecked hubby, but even from the start of my married life, I preferred the standards of my ironing to that of my beloved's) I casually mentioned to my Beloved how pleasant the Autumn term break had been. (Pay attention, April = Autumn in NZ & Oz)

She didn't rely reply, she snorted (in a sort-of-dignified-ladylike way).

The conversation then went like this.

My Beloved (MB): *snort*
Me: "Sorry Dear, did you say something?"

Do I have a plan? 

I do now.

MB: "I hope you've got a plan"
Me: "What?" (I must admit that sometimes my Beloved uses a logic not available to blokes)

MB: "I've talked to L*****, and she's worried about your brother as well" (L****** is my sister-in-law)
Me "What?"

MB: "Don't think that you'll be doing the same when you retire, I'm not having you hanging around the house all day"
Me: "Oh, you're talking about when I retire, aren't you?"

I should add, that I plan to retire in 5.64931 years, or 2062 days, 7  hours and 17 minutes, not that I'm anxious to go you understand, I love my job so much.

MB: "You need to get a hobby that will take you out of here when you retire." "I will have had 17 years of being on my own during the day"(my Beloved was given a very early(and generous) medical retirement from the NHS) "and I don't want you hanging around."
Me: "Just a minute, it's my home too you know"

MB: "It doesn't matter, you're not going to be annoying me all day long"
Me: "That's silly, it's a big house, I can be lying through there" (Points to relatively unused family room at back of house)" and I'd never disturb you"

MB: "It's not far enough away"
Me: with just a hint of sarcasm "How far away should I be then, my Dear"

MB: "I don't care, just not in the house all day"
Me :"It's my bloody house too, don't you tell me what I can do"

I'm not going to give the details of the ensuing argument fight screaming-match discussion, as the language may be a little intemperate for readers of a more gentle disposition.  Let us imagine violent gesticulation, over-exaggeration, histrionics in general. 

Until at last m'son came in from the family room and asked us to tone it down as he couldn't hear his music even though he was wearing earphones.

We did calm down and tried (semi-successfully) to have a rational discussion.

We finally agreed on the following points regarding my 5+ years distant retirement.
I could do whatever I wished to occupy my time after I retired as long as it did NOT include
  1. Beer
  2. Gambling
  3. Other Women
  4. Too much  mess, noise or dirt
  5. Strange smells??? (Don't ask me, ask MB)

But it would
  • Take me out of the house during the normal working hours
  • Not cost too much money as my Beloved still wanted to go on that Round-The-World Cruise.
  • Involve at least a little exercise
See, compromise is easy.

Just give in.

I asked if I could indulge in a little taxidermy, but she pointed that would  contravene regulation points 4 and 5 above. 

Pity, I always wanted to stuff a sheep.

I then asked if  she would object to me starting a hobby I've always considered; Wood Turning.

That seemed to meet all the requirements as long as I promised to sweep the workshop out every day, give myself a good dusting down before re-entering the house, and no, I couldn't keep a fridge down there "to keep the cold chisels"

Silly woman, there really are cold chisels

I used to look forward to retirement.

I almost think I'd prefer to stay working at NLHS.

Then I remember 10DK, shudder, and reconsider.

Solitary wood turning isn't so bad, considering.


  1. I have a great idea for a retirement hobby.Listen to this.
    Take up smoking.Its perfect. I've been thinking about it for a LONG time.It ticks all the boxes,its a nice gentle exercise with not too much exertion.
    Just imagine,a smoking club,you could organise coach trips away(smokers only)with regular stops for fag breaks.
    The beauty of it is there will be no need to worry about the health risks as there's not much time left anyway.
    I plan to use a glamorous Audrey Hepburn style cigarette holder.I shall say 'Twisted Scottish Bastard,care to furnish me with a cigarette Old Boy??'

  2. Northern Snippet: Great idea, except I already like the occasional cigar, and my Beloved hates them.. I could have started a whisky appreciation club, but I'm thinking of cutting back a bit.

    Maybe I could start a meat pie appreciation society?

    I like the idea of you with the cigarette holder held at a jaunty angle, ash hanging precipitously over a pot of curry sauce.

  3. My dad's retirement "hobby" was to get another job, LOL.

    My husband is not retired, but he does enjoy chiseling wood. He makes carved walking sticks that many people think are beautiful, but he has gashed his hand several times and on one dramatic occasion, drove himself to the emergency room, helped himself to a suturing kit (he can do that b/c he works there) brought it home and then demanded that I suture his hand, which I refused to do, although I did tape his skin together quite neatly. Now he wears a fish gutting glove and there have been no more incidents.

    I'm sure five years will go by like *that*.

  4. I've had conversations like that with The Old Girl though perhaps not so heated.
    Its amazing that it is my or our house when there is stuff to do around it but her house when it comes to me lying around a bit in it. When it comes to the discussion of retirement there is the strong suggestion of me being out a lot but when I construe that as out having fun and adventures a certain amount of censure comes in.

  5. Only 5 + years to go. Oh my I'm sure the time will fly! Your Beloved is right, you do need to do some retirement planning.

    I have some useful ideas of what you can do to fill in those days of retirement:

    1) Take up Golf there are several
    lovely local clubs close by.

    2) Do Day relief teaching (to
    keep you mentally stimualted
    and to earn some pocket

    3) Take up Home Brewing in your
    garage. That should apeeal to
    your inner Scientist.

    4) Join one of the many ADjunts
    Clubs at the Cossie Club
    (Wine CLub would be a nice
    start, and you could run the
    Computer Club).

    5) Join a Book Club.

    There that's plenty of food for

  6. That sounds just like most's about there that you realize you've been working all those years to buy a house for someone else (her) and youre not even welcome in it... I can only suggest you do as you are told, get out and exercise, dont clutter the house with yourself and enjoy that cruise while she's at home...

  7. No beer!? Or noise?! That seems bloody unreasonable to me. Perhaps you can join a nice knitting club. Or be the charter member. Would that meet her stringent requirements? You could always start a support group for castrated retirees.

  8. Patience_Crabstick: I can sympathise with your dad. I've sometimes wondered which job I'd go for after retirement. I think whisky tester or bustier fitter would suit me.

    Why don't you put some pictures of your hubby's walking sticks on your blog? I like the idea of chainmail glove, especially of someone offends him. He could dash it into the varlet's face and demand satisfaction

  9. TC: I'm glad you get the same sort of treatment vis a vis the "Your" house or "Our" house, or even "My" house, depending on context and number of jobs to do.

    I get the same feeling whenever I mention "fun" in the same sentence as retirement.

    The things we do for our women.

  10. VG: Oh thanks for taking my Beloved's side, that makes me feel so much better.
    Let's look at your options.

    1. Golf. NEVER. I wouldn't mind shooting at golf balls or golfers with my trusty 7.62, but play the stupid game? Nope.

    2.Relief teaching. Not if I can help it. I might think about taking on some sort of part-time job, but of a more honest occupation, like mugging or burglary.

    3.Home Brewing. Definitely, as i dabble a little with it at the moment. My Feijoa wine (Vintage 2004) has been favourably compaired to Marmite, with just a hint of soap.

    4.Cossie Club. Maybe, but most of them look like they're coffin-fodder. Maybe a computer club, or even a female form appreciation society, as soon as I find out which old bugger has a collection of vintage Palyboy magazines.

    5.Book Club. Already a member of 4.

    Thanks for the ideas.

  11. Tempo: That sounds a tad harsh. It's our house. Except the times she has her friends/coven/mah jong club/cup cake eating club/sherry appreciation club/ or other groupings around.

    Maybe you've got a point, but, please, don't ever mention the "E" word again. Every time my Beloved thinks I'm having too much of god time, she drags me off to some sort of torture session disguised as exercise.

  12. The Unbearable banishment: Welcome to my little blog, and thanks for leaving a comment.
    You are missing the point. She's my beloved, she's intrinsically unreasonable, she's a woman for goodness sake, trained in the esoteric arts of percieved compromise (but really overwhelming omnipotent rule) by all of her female relatives since birth.

    Knitting club? Has possibilities, especially if we can have it in a remote shed with a large working fridge. To keep the wool cold of course.

    Just a bloody moment, who suggested castration?

    I may be hen-pecked, under her thumb and completly cowed, but I still have some balls.

    They're about the size of ant's eggs, but they're mine!

  13. Well how about bloody Bowls then? That's what most old coggers do here in NZ and OZ. You can play indoor in winter and outdoor in summer. Geez 4 Book Clubs already?
    Is'nt that overdoing it a bit?

    Why no tgo back to uni and do your PhD? Never ever to late to do more learning. The idea of caling yourself Doctor maybe quite appealing. WIth your fantastic writing skills I ma sure you have a thesis in you somewhere TSB.


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