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Saturday, 7 April 2012

Swimming and Shopping.

The Dangers of Public pools

Regular readers of this little post (soon to reach the exalted height of 300,000 views) will know that I really don't like swimming in public pools.
It's not just the chlorine and the fungal infections and the cold dirty tile floors, it's the solitude.

My Beloved says she wants us to do this exercise (*shudder*) together, but which part is actually together?

We drive to the pool together. (she drives.  I sit and glower at the whole f*cking world)

Glower, big time.

We get into the pool together, and that's it.  THAT IS F*CKING IT.
It's rather difficult to have a conversation whilst swimming, and then we're in different changing rooms, so I therefore ask the question, which part of this outing is done TOGETHER.
Bugger all actually.

No, no, I forgot.  We sit in the bubbling spa for 5 minutes at the end of the swimming session.  But seeing that the spa is rather noisy, and that my Beloved is getting a bit deaf, it rapidly descends into a farce.
Me: "Are you enjoying the spa my dear?"
Me: "Are you enjoying the spa my dear?"
She: "Yes thansk, but there's no reason to shout you know"
Me: "Yes dear"
Me: "Yes dear"
She:"Oh, OK"
(Very) Large Polynesian Gent sitting in spa with feather in ear" I love you too dearie"*huge (and rather intimidating, but somehow rather coy) smile on face*
Beat rapid retreat to "Family Room", Lock door, shower and dress rapidly before (Very) Large Polynesian Gent starts knockimg on door or elsewhere.

Lock the f*cking door.

I think she wants it to continue swimming to act as an illustration of her power over me.
I'm really too much of a wimp to say "Darling, I love you, now

but I don't.

I also mentioned earlier how much I also dislike shopping with my Beloved.

But there is one exception to that rule.

Shopping in the supermarket.

I'll just get a few bottles for the weekend Dear.

I am not always welcome allowed in my Beloved's presence when she goes supermarket shopping, but this time, I used the moral brownie points accrued in going swimming without (much  of) a whimper to  lever an acceptance of to going shopping together.

I had my list.

  • Real butter
  • Steaks
  • Real mince and not that "low fat" crap
  • Real peanut butter (extra crunchy)
  • Cheese rolls
  • Beer
  • Cider
  • Cream
  • Full Fat Strong Cheese
  • Full Fat milk
  • Anchovies
  • Branston Pickle
  • Real American Frankfurters
  • Pickled Onions, Stuffed Olives, Cashew Nuts, Macadamia Nuts.
  • Spam
  • Corned Beef (Fray Bentos Tinned from Argentina)
  • Full Fat Pat├ęs
  • Frozen Hash Browns
  • Real meat thick hamburgers
  • Potatoes for mashing with the cream and the butter.

At the end of the shopping, we had bought a  Real American Frankfurter (1).

That was it.

Everything else on my wish list was ignored/derided/sneered at/ or I received the condensed lecture on the horrors of fat and why it should be banned worldwide as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Pity they didn't find 5 kg of Suet or Lard in Saddam Hussein's bunker.  It would have made the "War on Terror"quite legal.

Never mind, I'll enjoy the Frankfurter.  Grilled of course, and serve on gluten-free bread, with Cholesterol absorbing spread that tastes like rancid moose smegma.

There's so much to look forward to.

Like the Mah Jong Club excursion.

I can hardly f*cking wait.


  1. Oh TSB - you make my life feel so much more rewarding after reading your blog!

    Those comments about Saddam Hussein and the cholesterol spread almost had me wetting myself.

    Sir, I salute your courage, your strength and your indefatigability!

    {I know - an unfortunate quote}

  2. It's impossible to get 'solitude' our local pool, it's generally full of geriatrics in the early mornings doing their exercises, women's groups after that doing...whatever it is they do. After that it's brim full of screaming children, snotty noses and (obviously) pee! Not a place any sane person would go..ever!
    I wouldn't go near the place if I were you.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Alistair: I'm glad that my paltry existence makes your own life that much more worthwhile.
    I mean it about the suet. I wonder if we could develope a suet bomb, oh, wait, we already have. Did I ever tell you about my Dad's doughballs?

    Tempo: Thanks so very bloody much Tempo. I'm probably one of the geriatrics in the early morning.

    But I have to agree, it's my Beloved that makes me go.

    She's much more frightening than Cryptosporidium, Salmonella and even Cholera. Did you know that it's the Chlorine reacting with the pee to make chloramides that makes your eyes sting?
    The more stinginess, the more pee/litre.

  5. Spot on topical comment of the year there from Alistair.

    I can't stand swimming in swimming pools and I'm very pleased that my girls are getting to the age where they don't want to be seen with their Dad in a skimpy pair of trunks in public. In the sea, in France (usually with a litre or two of cider inside me, for acquatic balancing purposes) I love it. You can't keep me out.

  6. You haven't had a real American frankfurter until you've had a Sahlen's frankfurter (hot dog). I can't even get them in Virginia, so I'm sure you can't get them in NZ, but if you ever end up in Buffalo, NY, you must try one.

  7. well I spoilt myslef and got a spa bath for my birthday. Could be awhile before it's nstalle dthough as we ahve to makeover the whole bathroom. Can't wait. After a hard day at the chalkface to relax in in and sooth away my aches and pains now that I'm an old lady.
    Will be so much nicer than having to take a public spa.

  8. looby: I'm almost frightened to ask which comment of Alistair's you're talking about.
    The only time I really enjoyed having a dip was off Cairns in Aussie, swimming over the Great barrier Reef, or even in the lagoon off Arorangi in the Cook Islands. Blue water, just less than blood heat, and no bloody sharks or jellyfish.
    My problem with swimming trunks is that the elastic keeps shrinking, and they get too tight!
    Booze helps immensly, but not while swimming in the deepocean. People do get left behind, and being pissed probably doesn't help.

  9. Patience_crabstick: I've never tried a real American hot dog, but after seeing Anthiny Bourdain stuff his face with many varieties on TV, I want to. I can always nip over for the weekend and get lunch in Buffalo.
    Are tuxedos still obligatory?

  10. VG: How lovely, you can now stew in your own aeriated juces. It'slike having your own personal crock pot. But it's probably better than the public ones.


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