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Monday, 19 September 2011


I'm in charge
 Of a totally f*cked gang of moronic thugs

I am in charge of coordinating any relief teaching at Nuova Lazio High.

I try the best I can, but recently, I've noticed a tendency for staff to take a couple of days off work for the slightest of reasons.

For this reason, I've decided to introduce a coordinated campaign of postal and email support.

If some one's off for the first time, I send them this.

This should give a mild stimulus to get out of the sick bed and back to work.

For a second day off, this will be sent.

For a third day off sick, they get the special treatment.

More than three days and I'm afraid it's the

Delete Hamster and add Dog/Cat/Gerbil/Offspring as appropriate

However, I'm not a vindictive man, and I believe in a proactive approach, so I've instigated a keep well pedagogy.

If I spot someone with a slight sniffle, I send them a copy of:
If I hear a cough or a wheeze, I escalate to this.

 I will even try humour to keep people at their jobs.

If someone actually has the effrontery to be off sick for more than 3 days in a term, I send them this.

The sheer effrontery and lunatic obsession with health of these (rather naked) young people will guarantee a speedy return to life.

Or it may kill them anyway.

This is really to be preferred, as a dead teacher is a replaceable teacher, and there's always more being pumped out by the increasingly desperate Teaching Colleges.

There is however a down side.  (There always is, isn't there).
It takes time for the bureaucracy to get around to authorise a replacement, so I thought a little incentive would do the trick.

If I think they might be getting down (the first precursor to an actual physical symptom) I send them this.
See what fit people look like.  Stay fit and healthy.

 I advise taking a healthy approach to nutrition. Seaweed is a healthy alternative to many other foods, and gives a valuable addition to your Iodine intake.  Also causes for some inexplicable reason, erect nipples.  Gets my vote every time.

I've also looked at a legal option. To stop the malingering bastards from taking more than ½ hour off per year, I want all staff to sign the special "Health" contract as shown below.

The last resort is to use the special "coffin dust" sent to me by Auntie Twisted after her last trip to Haiti.  It does produce some rather odd side effects, but the teachers infected affected have some real advantages.
  • They never need breaks (or food come to that)
  • The never miss DEADlines
  • They're always on site
  • They're never frightened of the kids (unless the kids have flamethrowers or silver bullets)
  • The kids don't talk back
  • 10DK recognise a kindred spirit and undergo a bonding ceremony involving coffin dust, the blood of  a virgin (had to be imported from Tasmania), and the white hair taken from a living, walking corpse (Supplied by Ringo in another vain effort to be actually liked and respected by the pupils)
This approach has promise.

New version of a Teacher.  Especially after the National Government has their way.

Mind you, if some of the female staff were so effected, then there could be some distinct advantages..

A dead certainty

I should also like to add as a footnote, that my Beloved (Mrs. Twisted) got a clean bill of health at her check-up today.

I should also like to add that as I took a morning off work to escort her to the Hospital I get extra brownie points and am now allowed out of the garage.

I should also like to add that this morning, NOBODY was off sick, and NO relief cover was required.
Can't you bastards always be this healthy when I'M doing the bloody relief.


  1. TSB I must send you my "Permission to be Sick" Form from when I worked for WINZ or DSW as it was then. Was very popular. All Team Leaders were supplied with them to issue to staff.

    I suspect the number of sickies increases as the term drags by. After relieving the horrible classes I had to today, I can understand why their teacher got sick, poor woman.

    VG's Management Tip: - Keep a track of how many grannies each staff emmebr has. Quite often teh same granny dies quite often. This is also true for students.

    Good to hear Mrs Twisted has the all clear.

  2. Aye good to hear the wee wummin has the all clear.

    You on the other hand need to get a new pair of mister happy underpants.........

    and a sniper rifle.

  3. Ditto for me, good to hear that but I do think that she should leave you in the garage.

  4. VG: Yep, I think I know the one you mean. Is it the one where it demands a 5 day notice in the event of a death?

    Richard [of RBB]: Thanks.

    Alistair: Thanks. No thanks. I'm verry happy with my Mr Grumpy boxers. I've already got the rifle. I was a designated marksman in my old regiment y'know.

    TC: Thanks; perhaps not. The smell of old engine oil doesn't do a lot for me.

  5. Yes that's the one TSB. Maybe I gave you a copy a few years ago. I'm sure Ringo was going to start using those a few years ago when he looked after relief. When I had that terible 90 day cough that turned into a nasty bacterial infection in my chest, neccessitating me to take a lot of sick leave. No matter how many Medical Certificates I gave him he always gave me such a hard time about being sick, as if i were faking it, or that it was all my own fault for gettign ill! I wish! He never seemed to trust me after that, nor I him and it was the beginning of the end of my beautiful relationship with NLHS.

  6. VG: That's the downside of this job. To be fair to Ringo (and you'll never know how aweful these words sound)no matter how much you like a person, as soon as they go off sick, you start wondering, "is that a real illness, or are they throwing a sickie?" then you think, "How long are they off for?", closely followed by "Is Bubonic plague that bad?"

    It doeswarp your world-view.

  7. Even with a Medical Certificate from a Doctor?
    and when you are onto your thrid lot of medication to try and deal to the bug once and for all? Hey we are not all shirkers! In any workplace there are alwasy those malingeres and hypochondriacs who will always try it on.

    I hope you don't think of me as one such individual.In my case I put it down to the amazing bugs that go around NLHS each winter and spring. Since then I have rarely been sick enough to take a day off work at all.

  8. VG: Sorry, I didn't realise he'd gone that far. We do seem to pick up an amazing range of bugs at NLHS, Rotavirus is this week's favourite.


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