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Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Sad Wednesday

Bit down this morning, as we had quite a rough day yesterday with some teachers off sick, and not letting me know, some teachers not preparing work for their classes being taught by other teachers and to cap it all, we all had to traipse along to the paid union meeting.  In Naenae.
We didn't learn anything new, just that the government was still intending to shaft us.  More work, less money, more working hours, more kids in each class, after hours work.
We'll probably end up with a strike of some sort, and it depresses me that we have to take such action.
The only light on the horizon (apart from forthcoming holidays) is knowing that the whole country will soon see that the Minister of Education (Anne Tolley) is completely out of her depth and by all I've heard, may actually be partly brain-dead.  When this blows up, and it probably will, watch how John Keys distances himself from her.

I also dreamt about my Mum last night.  She died over 8 years ago, and I often think of her.  She really did her best for us, was an advanced thinker for her generation, and I really wish I had gotten to know her better.  But she was my Mum, and so often that's how we categorize people and we don't even think about the person behind the label.
I cracked up at her funeral, the emotions were just too strong, and the "stiff upper lip" quivered and broke.

The dream led me to even more maudlin thoughts as I lay in bed, with my beloved beside me.
What if she died.  We argue, we discuss, we get huffy, we make up.  She is my life and I'm hers.  Life without her is almost impossible to contemplate.  I know that others will say it's all part of God's plan, and that we all have to accept death as part of life, but I say bollocks.
I just get angry.
I've seen Mums and Dads and Sons and Daughters, Old and young, babies and wrinklies all die some really rotten deaths.  I worked in a hospital as a biochemistry technician when I was a lot younger.  It was a renowned center for paediatric and maternal care, and we also did a lot of research work for other general hospitals close by. I saw a lot die.  The babies were bad, but the worst was the toddlers.  Some tumours (like neuroblastoma) mostly occur in young kids.  They're old enough to know that something's wrong, but not old enough to understand.
I am not sure exactly how I would feel if my beloved was taken from me.  Obviously a great sadness, but what else?
I suspect that I'd get really angry.
I've come across this poem, written by Dick Underwood which expresses how I think I would feel.

I’m so angry that you left me,
For you said you never would,
And I thought that that meant, “never”,
And I thought that that was good.

If you didn’t mean your promise,
it should never have been made.
I’m bereft and broken hearted,
So angry and afraid.

I now know you couldn’t help it,
And your life just drained away.
But I’m angry you were taken,
And God wouldn’t let you stay.

I’ve a right to feel so angry,
I’ve a right to feel afraid.
‘Cos you said you’d never leave me,
Or your presence never fade.

I’m afraid that if the anger,
Or the fear should ever go.
I would feel so sad and empty,
So I want you all to know …

I’m so bloody, fucking angry.
It’s not fair and it’s no good.
For you said you’d never leave me,
And I thought you never would.

Bye Mum.


  1. Take it easy, my friend.
    It's good to remember your loved ones and good for us old buggers to get angry once in a while - it shows we're still up for a fight.
    Take it easy.

  2. So, what part of Scotland are you from?

  3. "The boy in the photo is your son? "

    It's my daughter, and she will make you pay and make you pay for that remark.
    She didn't have any hair until she was about 0ne.

  4. My daughter didn't have any hair until she was at least three. One day a little boy asked,
    "Why is that boy wearing a dress?"


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