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Sunday, 1 August 2010

Flatulence



Seeing how we've become a wee bit serious over the last few days, I thought I'd change to a more light-hearted (but not better smelling) area.
Like many of the population over 40, I get my blood cholesterol checked regularly. After my last checkup, my doctor put me onto a Statin type medication, designed to reduce the "bad" blood fatty acids/triglycerides.
Unfortunately, Statins can have some side effects, and the one that hit me was excessive flatulence.

Luckily I'm a bloke. Blokes like to fart. Other blokes laugh when blokes fart. It's the way we are. We also use farting to mark our territory and possessions. Married blokes often fart in bed, to give their "mark" to their nest and to their mate. The women moan, but they really know that farting in bed is a sign of love and togetherness, and they don't really mean it.

If two or more blokes are together and one of them farts, in can often trigger off a mass fart episode, where each bloke tries to outdo his mates with a bigger, better, noisier and even smellier fart than anyone else. We might moan, hold our noses and even gag, but then we laugh or giggle (It's one of the only times a guy can giggle in public with other guys)

Being a teacher can have it's own problems however. In class, farting from the kids (especially the boys) is practically de rigeur, but it is not normally a major problem form the class-control viewpoint. (Unless the fart that is released moves into the area of toxic pollution or approximates a military incapacitating agent, necessitating evacuation of the area) But a farting teacher is more problematic. Pupils "know" that teachers are only human, and that all normal bodily processes apply, but to appear superior to the little darlings, we try to project a god-like infallibility. Farting spoils this effect.
There is however an easy solution, requiring only the mastery of the silent fart, which only requires a little practice beforehand.
(Or one of these commercially produced "Fart Silencers"

When the teacher feels a fart pressure buildup that is approaching critical levels, all he has to do is begin to wander among the pupils, making comments on their work, giving feedback and feedforward. As he passes two or more boys, let the first wisps escape. This works only when you have boys in your class. Try and time it so the release happens when you're between two of the kids, so no-one is quite sure who released the miasma of corruption. As the mutters of the unclean increase, as they begin to smell the gas, quietly turn, nostrils flaring. Allow a slightly pained look to pass across your face, direct your gaze to the two boys near the centre of the gas cloud and sigh gently. A slight mutter of "Boys, boys, please." can add a subtle hint of superiority. There are no punishments awarded, slight grins can be exchanged with all males in the area, accompanied with a small shake of the head.
Hey, it's no big deal, we're all blokes together. Works.

You'll notice that there is no mention of ladies in these notes on flatulence.
Obvious.

Ladies don't fart. They project bodily perfection at all times, and such gross metabolic functions are never mentioned or alluded to.
Ladies don't fart, they just discretely exude methanoic waste products.

Hey. Maybe when just women get together they fart, belch and make fart jokes in the same way as groups of blokes do?
Maybe.
But I don't believe it.


5 comments:

  1. Some things are best left unsaid.
    Good morning TwistedScottishBastard.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is hillarious! I am laughing so much!
    Aurel Mueller

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, Scottish people are good at jokes!
    Aurel Mueller

    ReplyDelete
  4. I came across this by chance. Scary!
    Do we have a name clash?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stumbled upon this entry because I am noticing my statin is causing me excessive gas. It's terrible.

    ReplyDelete

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