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Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Being; Becoming; A Grumpy Old bastard (2)

Moving into Part 2 of the Guide to Becoming a Grumpy Old Bastard

"Life's so much more fun when you're grumpy."  Alf (The tiger shark that ate that irritating little Nemo, in the underground version of the film called Sushi is Orange with Black Stripes)

"Being a bastard is just the icing on the cake."  Simon Cowell

Step 3 (If you've missed the first 2 steps, then you're strongly advised (Non-GOBspeak for go and bloody do it) to go back to yesterday's post and read Part 1 )

Step 3 You've now reached the first stage of being a GOB, you've survived on this Vale of Tears for the required 20,090 days.  Well done.  Treat yourself to a whisky or other libation of your choice.
Now the key steps to becoming a GOB are to reflect carefully over your existence on this planet.  (I could have expressed that as to reflect carefully over your life, but most of us don't have lives.  *sob*)

Make a list of all the disappointments you have experienced. Here's an example.

  • Found out that Santa didn't exist.(probably)
  • Saw my birth certificate, and I wasn't the orphaned son of an aristocrat, nor the offspring of an alien super being from Arcturus.
  • Saw the sea, and it was wet, cold and grey (Aberdeen 1957), not the warm blue I'd seen in the cinema.
  • Got left behind in the playground at school when the football teams were chosen.
  • Got left behind in the playground when my girlfriend got chosen for the football team.  And she said yes and played. I had to sit and fiddle with my conkers.  On my own.
  • Had my first cigarette and was sick.
  • Found out that God didn't exist (probably)

What I thought I was getting

  • Ordered a tank from the advertising panel on the back of a comic.  I dreamed of ploughing through all of my enemies (My Dad was a cop.  We lived in a council estate in Glasgow.  I had more enemies than I could count) Firing the machine gun at all of the bastards who hadn't picked me for the football teams, and the big cannon at the school. I was going to grind Mrs. Bloody MacPherson (my teacher for year 5) under the tracks until she was mush.  I know now I should have realised that even at the vast cost of 4 weeks of my pocket money (4 shillings + p&p) I wasn't going to get someting as impressive as a Centurion.  But when the box arrived, even before I opened it I was shocked.  It was a cylinder about 3 foot long and the diameter of a bottle of milk.  How the hell could you fit a tank in that?  What I actually got was a thin wire (not even No.8 wire)frame and a cheaply printed PVC skin which fitted over the top.  Absolutely bloody gutted.
What I got was more like this

  • Found out that BraddockVC (My wartime hero from the Victor comic for boys) didn't exist (definitely).
  • Found out that my Grandfather was dying.(long term effects of gas damage from WWI)
  • Found out that grownups couldn't fix everything.
  • Tried my first drink of alcohol.  (Cherry Brandy) Liked it.
  • Sneaked a whole bottle of Cherry Brandy into my bedroom and drank half of it.  Was sick.
  • Discovered I didn't like hangovers.
The work of the Devil
  • Discovered I was short sighted and badly needed glasses.  (I had told Mrs Bloody MacPherson that I couldn't read the words on the blackboard, but the old witch gave me the belt for being lazy)
  • Discovered that glasses hurt your nose when hit by a football kicked by my girlfriend.  No, I still wasn't playing.   I was reading a book while sitting on the playground wall when the sports-mad bitch missed the goal and hit my face full on with the bald tennis ball we used in those days.
  • Discovered that falling 5 feet to a concrete pavement broke bones.
  • Discovered that I no longer had a girlfriend.  (She said I was "soft" for crying after I fell.)
  • Discovered that I didn't like wearing the obligatory long trousers when going to High School.
  • Discovered that BriNylon shirts really made you sweat, and didn't make you look cool.
  • Discovered that my Mum would only buy BriNylon shirts because they didn't need ironed.
Doomed to wear at school FOREVER

  • Found out that I had to work hard to pass exams.
  • Was told tht I wasn't bright enough to be a Doctor, that Bus and Train drivers didn't get paid very much and that you had to be American to be a Spaceman.
  • Discovered that I didn't know what I wanted to be
  • Found out that University wasn't all that much fun with far too much work
  • Discovered I didn't like beer. 
  • Found out I couldn't afford whisky.

More deeply depressing lists of disappointments later. I can't take any more today. *sobs, spills whisky, sobs some more*


  1. "And she said yes and played. I had to sit and fiddle with my conkers. On my own."

    Never mind. At least that developed into a lifelong pastime whereas you are probably too old now to play footbal (or should I say 'fitba'?)

  2. Correct. there's always something to keep one amused.

  3. Curmudgeonality - or is it curmudgeon-ness oozes from each sentence.

    I feel all warm and teary eyed!


  4. Alistair: I know, it's just so much fun I can hardly contain myself.


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